Monday, November 07, 2011
I am blogging tonight to hold myself accountable to my actions. Or am I? Because I just binged tonight - no denying it - yet I am still choosing to call it Day 4 in my BF streak. Day 4 with its shiny star sticker (yes, I use stickers for each BF day) and the inconspicuous word "pass" scrawled beside it.
Sigh. Sometimes I just feel like I need to give myself a little help through the start of a new streak! But other times - and particularly tonight - I wonder if I'm setting my bar too low and expecting too little of myself. But isn't it guilt and self deprecation that leads me to bingeing? When, if not in the midst of trying to heal myself, is a better time to show myself a little kindness?
So why, then, can I not just say "day 4" and carry on my merry evening? Why must I agonize over the decision and explain to all my spark friends on my LBF message board that even though I'm calling it day 4, it was actually a big giant cheat?
Here are the positives: I have eaten extremely healthily more days than not in the last month. The scale has only moved down in the past 3 weeks. I have made it through the last two weekends with extremely healthy and happy food behaviour! That last one is a feat in itself! It's been the Mondays and Tuesdays that have been getting me!
I'm officially blabbering now. Just wanted to bore the very few people who read my blogs with my inner dialogue instead of filling up any more space on the LBF message board (they got their fair share, trust!!). And more importantly, since writing releases me from my head a little bit, I wanted to explain and get off my chest why I want to call tonight binge free.
But if it happens again tomorrow, it'll be back to day 1 for me! Forgiveness is one thing. Denial is another.