Monday, November 07, 2011
I remember I was 13 and my mom took a picture of me to "prove" to me how "horrible" I looked. I was in a size 9/10 and I was confident in my body. I didn't have a care in the world. All I heard from 13 onward was how heavy I was, how horrible I dressed, etc, so I started binging & purging, but mostly binging. I yo-yo'd from size 16 - 24 throughout highschool. I was able to get back to a 9/10 for graduation, then back up to a 20. I was stuck in the 20-24 sizes forever, and when I lost weight and got down to a 14/16 in '98 I thought I was sexy! I got to 16/18 for summer and felt better about myself, but still wasn't feeling as confident or as sexy as I wanted to. The pictures still showed this big blob me. So I started feeling self pity, and overwhelmed and frustrated. I started hearing those negative voices in my head. Then it went from those horrible voices to, ok, just today I'm going to eat this and tomorrow I'm going to make better choices. One more day of this wont hurt, I'm not really gaining, I know what to do, I'll start again tomorrow. Well, I'm back to a size 18/20 again, and restarting my life style changes since I fell back into bad habits. Today has been a good day so far. The time change has me a bit confused, but I made sure to eat properly so far today. I have to remind myself I want to be sexier MORE than I want to feel full (overfull) and that I'll be happier once I'm eating and exercising properly. This goal setting is really getting to me though. What are my goals, and what rewards will I give myself? I also need to stick my ground with my family. If they don't like it too bad, that's their problem. I'm not going to reward them with fast food because they didn't do dishes or clean the kitchen. Nope, i'll go home, complain about the lack of help while cleaning them myself, and then cooking dinner. By doing this, they will help out because they feel bad that they didn't help out. Hopefully they will help out more without it getting to that point (or the bribery point). I have to remind myself every day, I am accountable for myself, what I choose to do today. If I want to have a sweet treat, I need to earn it and it needs to be a special thing. I also need to curb my spending, so I think I am going to create a money account. Every day I am good, I will put money in that account - rather than spending it on food. I will save it up so I can buy myself something and feel proud that not only did I earn the reward by eating healthy, but I also have that extra money that I saved and can spend on what ever I want. I put $5 in it today - for not buying a cookie, danish, chips, or candy. This will be done. I need to maintain my health and get healthier.