This is my new favorite song Florence + The Machine - Dog Days Are Over with lyrics www.youtube.com/watch?v=
you can listen to it too. Be ready to turn it up and dance.
(Not motivational just a photo of me. People like photos. I am trying not to grind my teeth.)
When I fight, I fight to win. But sometimes I shock myself with how long it can take before I have had enough, before I say "I'm done."
When I do, Heaven hath no fury like unto me. None may stand between me and my goal- except myself of course.
People said I couldn't go to college, I went with no help from my family I worked my way through. They said I couldn't lose weight, I lost 70 pounds. People said I couldn't work two jobs. I worked two jobs full time for a year. I do things that people think are impossible because I am a fighter. But I also put up with things I shouldn't. Like no sleep for 20 years. I had insomnia where I slept 3-5 hours a day for 20 years. I just thought that was how it was.
I expect this will be a rather long post so to try to avoid that I will bullet point it where I can.
I've been rather unwell for a very long time. Some of this I am sure is connected to my morbid obesity.
But I do not think my MO is causing me to be ill. I have good blood sugar and my blood pressure is great so while I know being fat isn't good for me it seems it is a symptom of another disease not the cause of my current illness. I am tired, lethargic, suffer from insomnia and headaches and migraines and I find it all very frustrating but in spite of that I lost 70 pounds about 2.5 years ago. I failed to keep it off because even though I was sick, and tired and miserable I worked two jobs for a year. So I am not saying I am incapable or anything I am saying just the opposite... but it is getting worse.
I'm working only one job and I am sick so often I can't seem to lose a pound and I am so lethargic I can't seem to get motivated at all. I have only lost 8 pounds since July. It's November. 4 months, yesh! Now I can say, YES I know I haven't really been trying because I have been really ill. I spent August coughing and wheezing and bleeding for the whole month. September I finally shook the cold that wouldn't end. October I had another cold and MANY migraines. Now I normally have a lot of migraines but I started on a new team by having six days in a row of migraine day after migraine day. Then after that I had two headache days. If you don't know the difference you don't get migraines. And I worked through all of it. I worked for three reasons, 1.) I am on a new team I can't just not show up for my new Team Leader/supervisor she needs me to be there. 2.) Paid Time Off and occurrences, I only had 15 hours of PTO and you have to schedule time off to avoid occurrences which can lead to termination if you have 6. I had 3 of which came from October from a cold and two migraines simply could not work through, and 3.) No vacation time to schedule off was available due to some serious national negotiations that effected the whole corporation. The team needed me to be there even more. As a matter of fact I was utterly miserable and managed not only to show up for work but worked on average an extra 2.5 hours overtime every day. That is what I do. That is what I have done for years. I take my damn pills and go to work.
But I am so exhausted. I and am tired of being sick and sick of being tired. I know that now more than ever I need to wake up and eat a good breakfast and take a walk and a shower and put on some make up and go to work smelling nice and looking good because when you don't feel good you NEED to put in extra effort. And after work I NEED to work out to get endorphins and help my body but I am in so much pain so often that on the days where it isn't at a 5 I go home and rest to recover and when I _am_ in pain I just go lay in bed and moan.
I have a great job. I have a wonderful boyfriend. I have awesome friends. I feel like a lame jerk because I can't really do anything with any of them. Right now I am fighting with myself to finish this blog post and NOT just go to bed.
I know I am strong. I know I am because I have lived with this pain and insomnia for a very long time and I lived my life, saw my friends, and I was pretty ok. I have tried to accept the pain for what it is... merely pain. Before I blamed the insomnia. I thought it was causing it... but I have the insomnia practically under control now and I still ache. And it's worse. And I am afraid to go to sleep because when I wake up I can be in more pain then when I closed my eyes.
I feel so silly writing about this. I just want to be strong. I just want to go back to losing by eating the right things at the right times and with moderate and fun exercise but right now there is a pain in my brain that feels like a thick 4 inch long 20 gage carpet needle in my head. Then it passes to just a dull ache.
And so once again I am at war. I declared war on my Weight and I won... But like any cocky moron who walks into a war zone with no after plan I left the place a wreak and as soon as I bugged the troops out the place fell apart. No surprise there. So I am going to try again but this time I am facing the Migraines. I defeated Insomnia, hopefully forever and now I must face my Headaches and Migraines with more than a bottle of ibuprofen and some acetaminophen. Like many other times the public (you) are being lately informed of the "aggression tactics."
I am going to the doctor already. I went a few weeks ago. And before you ask I am living a mostly healthy lifestyle. I don't drink coffee, rarely tea. I don't drink pop. I don't do drugs other than those prescribed. I do not drink alcohol. I do not smoke. I do not associate with smokers. I do not wear perfume daily. I use unscented hypoallergenic soaps and laundry soap. I avoid foods known to cause Migraines and I certainly avoid the ones I know cause my Migraines. I drink lots of water and take daily vitamins. I eat fruits and veggies. I am doing as much as I can except exercise and some eating right because some eating right demands things like cooking which takes more energy then I have right now. But I am certainly not going out of my way to put bad things into me.
I am even getting a new doctor. And going to a neurologist since there is no logical reason for the migraines. I am taking daily preventive medication that doesn't seem to help _yet_ and I got an abortive that doesn't seem to stop the migraines either though I am going to give it a few more tries before I give up. I am stretching, and working on ergonomics.
I got off the birth control pill and chose a couple of other forms of birth control to try to stop the pain.
I got an accommodation to wear sun glasses at work and am trying to find the Migraine filter glasses.
So far the war has been...
Well lets just say I broke down crying at dinner today because I was getting a Headache. Because I want to be healthy. I want to be thin. (Not the same as healthy AT all.)
I will win. I will face the illness. I will defeat it. Then I will face my morbid obesity. I won't just lose some weight. I will go all the way to my last goal and I will maintain it. But while I am fighting Migraines and Headaches I will continue to slowly lose Weight and focus on my health because some effort is better than no effort.
Goals for this month:
Go to the new doctor Nov 9
Go to the ophthalmologist Nov 16
Go to the dentist Nov 22
Go to a chiropractor Nov 29
Go to the neurologist
I said WAR.
I am strong.