Friday, November 04, 2011
My last blog I posted about reconnecting with my daughter's father on Facebook. To sum it up, he and I split up when my daughter was 18 months old. He has not seen her since. According to his story, he got with a new woman who would not let him see or talk to my daughter or I. Also, he and this woman spent years drinking, drugging it up, and fighting. So while I was moving along a path to better my life and the life of my daughter, he was taking the road to self destruction.
This information was no surprise to me. Not really. I just felt that after everything we had been through, all the years of no calls, cards, help of any kind, that I DESERVED an explanation of why "he" didn't think we were worthy of an answer.
This "reconnection" was not about reminiscing for me. NOT AT ALL. It was about repairing a large crack in the damn of my soul. I NEEDED to understand how someone who had PROMISED never to abandon me would do just that. I needed to understand and hear from him that his absence in our lives was about HIM, not some flaw in ME.
All my life I have felt that I am not quite worth much. I have always known I was smart. I have also been told I was pretty. I just didn't have much self worth. After all, if I was worth much, then why would my parents not quit using drugs and messing up their lives for me? Why did a family member think it was ok to be inappropriate with me? Why did my ex think it was ok to leave me alone to struggle?
Having the answers was very important to me. I just needed to know.
I mentioned my husband in the last blog. I am an honest person. I told him right away what I had done, and I tried to explain why I felt the need to do it. My husband tried to be understanding. However, he pretty much said that he didn't know why I felt I needed validation from some deadbeat druggie who showed no caring for his child. I told him that I just needed to hear from my ex what in his life was so important that he would choose those things over his child.
I told my husband that I appreciated the fact that ever since he met my daughter, that he had really tried to step in and be a father to my child. I told him that I loved the fact that his family treated her like she was his as well. I told him I would forever be grateful that he has never treated me like my parents or my ex, and that for once in my life I felt like I would not be abandoned.
My ex and I have talked back and forth a few times. I e mailed him copies of old pictures of him and my daughter in them when he was in her life. He has apologized and says he will never forgive himself for being absent from my daughter's life. He says "he found God" in jail, and he plans to start sending me support as soon as he is back to work. None of that really matters though.
I don't want "him" in my daughter's life at this time. My daughter is almost 16. My husband is her father. It is just nice to have some answers to the questions my daughter has asked me all these years. It is nice to know that my ex's broken, pathetic life isn't my fault.
I am learning that for some reason, I feel overly responsible for the lives of others. I don't know why I feel so worthless. I don't know why I blame myself when someone ELSE acts like a total D BAG. Getting some answers from my ex did help me close some doors, but the really important answers to the questions in my life that REALLY matter remain to be discovered.
I think that when I can heal my soul, I will stop trying to feed that whole in my soul all the crap food that has literally weighed me down all these years.
I hope this makes sense.