Thursday, November 03, 2011
I am still here. I have been busy with work and life these last few weeks. My weight is still slowly going down. I am down 20 pounds! Yay. My face is looking thinner and the clothes are fitting better. I am still juicing and eating raw veggies. I am drinking TONS of water, drinking herbal tea, and I work out when I can. I am glad to FINALLY be making some progress.
As to this facebook encounter. Well, let me back up. When I was 18 years old, I met the guy I was sure was "the one". He went to school in the next town over from me. I went to the prom with him. I became engaged to him at 19....had his baby at 20. Then, at age 22, he and I split up. He was behaving strangely. His life was going down a path I could not follow. So, he walked out of my life, and I let him go without protest. I didn't want anyone in my life who wasn't absolutely sure he wanted to be there. Sadly, he left our daughter behind too.
Over the years, I rarely heard from him. I got sporatic child support. I heard rumors he was with someone else and had another child. He had moved on. I guess I had too, in a way. I had finished college, found a job, and moved away. I was working so hard to get the money for a home and take care of our child all alone.
Years and years go by. My 18 month old daughter is now 15. Child support services notifies me that "he" is in jail, nothing to do with being a deadbeat. 6 months for a huge fight with the woman who replaced me. Karma firmly in the works. I laugh a bit as I relish the fact he is getting a little justice, then move on.
Then comes the day I see him on Facebook. I am curious, so I look at his profile. Not much there. I decide to let curiosity further get the better of me. I have questions I want answered from him. Why did he abandon our child? Where has he been? What on earth caused a "good" guy to go bad? Does he regret what he did? You know, all those "why" and "what if" questions you always want to ask? Well, I was going ask them ALL. I just didn't know how to begin.
So the day came when someone brought me a bottle of wine. I am not much of a drinker, but after 2 glasses of wine, I was ready to send a note. (I would probably NOT have sent any message sober) I told him I saw him on facebook and thought I would send a note. I said I hoped that after all these years, we could have some grown up conversations and try and get along. I (grudgingly) wished him well. Then I pressed send. I regretted it the next day....what had I done?! What if he is a psycho? What if he is a d-bag? It was too late to take it back, so I just moved on.
The next day, I had a message. My heart was pounding. WHY was my heart pounding after all these years? I was really bothered by my response. I had been so angry at him for so long, but I had also felt I DESERVED to know why or how he could abandon his child and be so disrespectful to me.
He basically responded that he was very happy to hear from me. That he wanted to talk to me, but was afraid to take the initiative, as he knew he had not done the right thing. He sent me a friend request and asked if he could stay in touch, that he had much more he wanted to say to me.
Validation! YES! Why I felt I needed it from this dude I don't know, but it felt GREAT to get it. Is that pathetic? Is it normal?
There is much more to this that I can't post in one blog. Let's just say that I finally DID add him, that my husband DOES know (that is a WHOLE other blog), and there have been more messages.
I am posting this here because part of my "healing" has to deal with going back to those who bruised my spirit and learning to either let go or try and make it right. More later.....