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    CANNIE50   30,069
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sweet depression

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Is my low-grade depression fueled by sweets, or is my mindless immersion in sweets fueled by my depression - a desperate search for seritonin, a crude attempt at self "treatment"? It doesn't really matter because it is sort of a chicken or egg scenario. I am thankful to anyone reading this, especially Sparkfriends who have stuck by me through this tiresome struggle. If you all are half as tired of hearing about this as I am of writing about it, and battling it, then you have my sympathy and gratitude because I am quite sick of this same stupid sugary struggle. Sheesh. What don't I get? Well, what I do understand is that this has been my go-to source for fake comfort since I was tiny and skinny, literally tiny and skinny. When I was very young, and very skinny, I discovered a temporary soothing in all things sweet and sugary. As an adult who has, for very good reason, given up alcohol, cigarettes, and pharmaceutical diversions, sugar remains my last vice. As my very wise mother once said, "let's hope you don't take up gambling" (SP reinforces my decision not to gamble every time I only get 2 points on that #@&% wheel). Anyway, enough of the problem, what am I doing, today, to live in the solution?

Well, for one thing, wacky as it may sound, my first decision today was that I was going to stand in front of the ridiculous pile of leftover Halloween candy and say a prayer acknowledging that I am "powerless over food, especially sugar, and my life is unmanageable once again, and I need HELP". When I went into the room where my husband had left it (though I had asked him to take it away yesterday), it was gone. Phew. I said my prayer anyway. I would never presume to preach to anyone else but, for me, part of this ridiculously disorderly eating pattern I have is very much a spiritual deficiency or problem or something - anyway, it is not caused by me not knowing about proper nutrition, or just a matter of bad habits - the problem runs deeper in me and I have always known that. As it turns out my husband, without further prompting from me, finally did remove the horde of candy that has bedeviled me for a couple of days. Of course, we all know, the candy isn't the problem, it is my behavior and reaction to the candy that is the true issue, but not having it staring at me is definitely helpful. Then, I opened a drawer in the living room and found a stash from my 7 y.o. tricker-or-treater. I said a quick prayer and shut the drawer. My boy, and candy, are a whole separate issue, and blog. As of this moment, the candy has no pull on me whatsoever.

One thing that has always driven up my anxiety level, and my compulsiveness around food, is when my life piles up around me and I begin procrastinating and feeling overwhelmed. So, rather than turn on the t.v. and shovel in food mindlessly (which I am embarrassed to admit, but feel the need to admit since it is old behavior from my obesity days), I began to deal with my unmanageable life. I made a phone call to untangle a problem with a bill - I was dreading this because it was the company's error and we have exchanged so many useless e-mails that I figured the phone call would be just as pointless, but, lo and behold, problem solved and credit granted. I tended to laundry that had seemingly begun breeding in the two whole days I have ignored it. I ate a breakfast that contained protein and fiber and other actual nutrients. I am, before the day is done, preparing dinner for the night, and dealing with several pieces of correspondence that I have put off for too long. I have tracked my food. I am posting this blog. I am spending time reading blogs posted by other Sparklers. In other words, I am, one more time, rising up from the debris of depression. I have struggled with depression since I was 11 years old. I imagine I will have to deal with it, in some form or other, until the day I die (if family history is any indication). Or, perhaps, by finally embracing better nutrition and dealing with the ever present obstacles presented by hormones, I will be freed, finally. Either way, I will keep trudging forward.

Finally, one of the most powerful steps I took today involved weeping. I finally acknowledged just how much I am affected by my 19 year old son being at college. I am a firm believer in letting go and not treating adult children as, well, children. I am proud of him for embracing college and ROTC and for doing very well at both pursuits. I have a life outside of being a mother, and I fully respect my diminished role in his adult life. All that being said, he and I have always been close and, when we were not driving each other crazy, enjoyed one another's company and so, I simply miss him. I don't need to do anything about this other than let myself have a little cry. I have long thought that "emotional eating" is a bit of a misnomer. I realize "hiding from emotions eating" doesn't have quite the same ring, but when I am truly facing up to and dealing with whatever feelings keep pestering me for acknowledgement, I don't have a desire to overeat. It is when I am playing "hide and eat" with my feelings, that I start shoveling in food, especially sweets, as if I am a furnace and it is coal. It's not pretty, it feels awful, and it will never take me where I need and want to go. So, for today, I will tackle my somewhat messy life head-on, grateful to have once again found the elusive willingness to function like a flawed but healthy adult. I sincerely appreciate your patience, both in reading this, and in putting up with my roller-coaster Sparkjourney.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FEISTYOWL 11/10/2011 4:33PM

    Hang in there Cannie - as it sounds like you are! I can only imagine the loss of your child into adulthood - but I do imagine it more and more as mine gets closer to that and I'm sure I'll need a good weeping too (or several).

I hope that getting through a few things that were hanging over your head have helped you surface a little bit.

And I'm right there with you on the hold food has over me too!

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JULIAMOONCHILD 11/10/2011 12:34PM

    I have long thought that "emotional eating" is a bit of a misnomer. I realize "hiding from emotions eating" doesn't have quite the same ring,"

Cannie, your words, once again, hit home. This entire brilliantly written and moving blog is a GIFT to many of us here, I'm sure, who can relate on a very personal level these same struggles, but have never had the courage or, perhaps, the platform, or, in my case, the ability, to express these thoughts as well as you have in this blog.

After reading a recent blog written by HeySteve about emotional eating, I have been inspired to share a bit of my own personal awareness of this problem. Now, today I read your words and that one particular sentence about "emotions eating" and I am doubly inspired ... quadrupled inspired ... to write a few of the thoughts I've entertained in recent days concerning my own demons. I also relate to your history of depression, which was clearly stated in your blog, and understand that it is NOT about any particular current event. While your son being away is hard, maybe harder on some days than on others, clearly he did not exist when you were 11 years old. More on that subject (maybe)when I have time to write my own thoughts about emotional eating (trying to be as brave as you, but have a ways to go).

Anyway, I very much appreciate that your feelings are expressed in such a heartfelt way, for surely they are received in like manner. With your words, you manage to reach into the core of our emotional being and cause us to feel that we are not alone. That is a very special quality that you possess. A wonderful quality.

As always, your insights are enlightening and truly helpful.

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TSEWARD 11/9/2011 8:26AM

    Cannie:

Wow. I agree, we are fighting the same battle. It is such a good feeling to know I am not alone....I have not yet read an SP blog that rang so true to what I am struggling with. I do the same things....ask my husband to remove candy from the house, send home desserts with visitors, etc. I too feel overwhelmed by life, procrastinating, numbing out with sugar and TV. I will keep visiting your Spark Page, and enjoy having you as a friend! As long as we never give up, we will keep moving forward!


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Traci

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KELLYD1958 11/8/2011 7:04AM

    Hi Cannie-girl. I cannot believe I missed your blog for so many days. Halloween isn't a very friendly holiday and now it's on to Thanksgiving through Easter - one Wal-mart seasonal aisle after another. You know when people look horrified that I am allergic to Cane Sugar I tell them it's a blessing really. And I mean it. I've been having some major jonesing for sugar lately - lots of Splenda needless to say.
It's so hard to let go of kids - and not to live our lives vicariously through them. Keep growing girl - that's the key. I suspect these are growing pains for you, and I can't tell you they'll stop either. You have older kids - you know what I mean. Remember how good you feel on the good days!

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MEWHENRYSMAMA 11/8/2011 12:47AM

    I AM SO SORRY THAT I HAVE NOT RESPONDED TO THIS BLOG. I REALLY READ IT AND WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU TODAY (I REALLY DID) AND WENT TO SEE IF YOU COMMENTED ON A BLOG THAT I ALWAYS READ AND COMMENT ON,TOO, AND WAS GLAD TO SEE YOU THERE SO I WENT TO YOUR SPARKPAGE AND SAW YOUR BOG ON 11/2/11, AND STARTED TO READ AND REALIZED I READ IT BUT DID NOT COMMENT!! I AM SORRY TO READ YOU HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING AND I AM SORRY. I HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH SOME ISSUES MYSELF, AND I KNOW HOW IT CAN EFFECT YOUR ENTIRE BEING. I DO HOPE YOU ARE FEELING EVEN BETTER AND I WISH YOU A WONDERFUL WEEK!
SINCERELY,
MARY
n> emoticon

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COLUMBINE2 11/8/2011 12:31AM

    Thanks for blogging and sharing. I'm struggling, too, w/ sweets & a few pounds regained. Add a few other situations and ...well, I get what you're facing.

I don't have any great advice...but want to assure you that you are strong....stronger than you give yourself credit for...and you've come a very long way. It's no picnic, but you can deal with the obstacles you face..and you will. And I'm glad you shared your challenges with your SP friends and we shed a tear with you.

This is hard stuff...but we've done hard stuff before and we'll do it again. We just hold each other up when our knees feel temporarily weak. We aren't going to let you down and you're not letting yourself down either. We're in it together.

Get busy in a project that requires your full attention & is fulfilling, call someone who needs your encouragement, bask in your son's successful flight away from home (the best 2 gifts you can give your child are roots and wings!), track your excellent nutrition & exercise efforts and remember how far you've come!!! There ain't no stoppin' you now! We're in this together...all the way and beyond! emoticon

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MAGGIEROSEBOWL 11/7/2011 7:58PM

    Sometimes a good cry is sorely needed. Sometimes I just want to let go and cry it out, and then I feel better. I remember when my youngest left for college, I was so depressed. But he's back now, at 25, working and living at home and I'm loving it. I know it's not forever and I will have those same withdrawals when he eventually moves out, but I'm so happy to have him here for now and not looking forward to that inevitable day when he is gone. Yes, I too, am more than a mom, but it is a vital important part of who I am, and I guess I like feeling needed.
Glad you're feeling better!

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CIRANDELLA 11/6/2011 7:49AM

    I'm late in chiming in here, but here's to happier days (and I promise you, they will come). You've amply demonstrated your outstanding level of self-awareness, compassion, and wisdom, and I have no doubt that they'll see you through this struggle. I see you as a real success story in the making and have no doubt the "sweets demon" will eventually evaporate, too... emoticon

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GIULIACLIFFORD 11/5/2011 8:23PM

    Cannie *hugs* could your depression be related maybe with your son going away from home? It is hard to understand where we're going wrong. When I was in Italy with my family, you would think I had everything under the sun, and I was happy. However, I kept on eating whole jars of Nutella hidden in the toilet... I just couldn't stop. I was depressed and didn't realise it consciously but there was something wrong... something that I have managed to fix eventually, but it took me a huge amount of courage, deciding to leave my home, my family and my country to pursue a completely new life in the UK... it took me nearly dying for an acute and necrotic pancreatitis... and realise that if I had indeed died on that night, I wouldn't have done anything for myself during my time spent on Earth... I'm sure your situation is very different, but that's how I fought it, by changing everything and in a way, dying and getting reborn to a new life. And I indeed have a new life now... not depressed (I have no time for that, and I know it's no excuse, you can be VERY busy and VERY depressed at the same time!), have gone to goal and have been maintaining for over a year, I have found a wonderful husband (I never had a boyfriend when I was in Italy... I was too inward looking I guess) and you know the funny thing? I have a jar of Nutella in the press. I bought it last year... it's still closed, with the wrapping on... I haven't even looked at it. Before that one, I had another one lying around for a couple of years, barely opened, barely used... just once in a blue moon a little bit on a toast in the morning. It's funny how your outlook of life can change in a few years!

A big hug and a kiss. It's easier said than done, but look into yourself and try to discern what is wrong and try to find a solution for it. I don't believe that depression is genetic, or at least not totally. You can fight it! I thought I was destined to be obese because my mum is and my sister is "big boned"... and instead there I am... I'm sure you can get yourself out of depression! emoticon

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DDESERTDDAWN 11/5/2011 11:46AM

    Totally get it.
Totally get tired of having to struggle with same &%$#ing issueS.
Chicken/Egg. IMPOSsible to detangle for me.
However, they are entangled.
To get release it is true
ONE must go
we can shake one
Then the other starts to follow
Crying is a super step in shaking the 'control'
and letting go and prayer are other steps we know

Congratulations and thank you once again for the honesty and gentleness with which you treat this dreaded monster we seemingly invited into our bodies and lives.

I just spent an hour tracking days of candy and other sugars I had consumed in order to STOP the feelings. Yeah right, that trick worked well. Low grade miserable rather than just low grade lousy is so much better.

Several post-move buggaboos on my shoulders- One temporarily taken care of after a week of being lost (literally not able to find places) and lost (figuratively -not able to figure out what was what) in License and car Tag agency hell that is the government in Fl these days especially since I've LOST my title. These kinds of wrangles trigger me like crazy, trigger me crazy. Bills, etc. Just have to do it, but sometimes they are HUGE.

Cannie Carole, I've been there, AM there. Working way out is about willingness as you said before. and thank you for saying it again. For this is not a linear path. Somehow it isn't the same as the others that get lifted for some of us.

May you be lifted today, I know your presence here lifts me.
thank you again,
dDawn emoticon


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SUZWARNR 11/5/2011 4:36AM

    I hear you about sparkfriends and them having to put up with us constantly, through our good moods and bad ones. But that's what friends are for, right? I will always be here for you. I am not going anywhere. Thank you for supporting me when I needed it the most. I am going to do my best to keep my head high above the water. No drowning here!

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STRIVER57 11/4/2011 3:22AM

    as usual, you've written a blog that i both identified with and found something useful for myself in. btw depression is only partly genetic, fortunately, and your parents' illnesses and choices don't determine yours (good thing or my sisters and i would all be dead by now). emoticon

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RYDERB 11/3/2011 10:47PM

    Cannie, I've admired you from the first day we "met", for so many reasons… Your wisdom; your wit; your honesty; your selflessness; your compassion/empathy; and your courage (just to list a few) but it seems the longer I know you, the longer that list grows, and today I'm reminded again of what a wonderful person you are. It breaks my heart to learn just how long you've struggled with depression. But it doesn't surprise me at all to find you facing it head on, with grace and courage, and selflessly sharing your struggle in your blog. I wish there was a way for me to send you all the strength that I've found in myself because of you, and your friendship, but since I can't I'm sending you my prayers.
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JENNA54 11/3/2011 9:00PM

    I too am a sweetaholic, so am eternally grateful that Halloween doesn't pay a big part in our lives here. I'd be completely out of control. As it is, my mother who is an insulin dependent diabetic for most of her life has a "lolly jar" for when she needs a bit of a sugar hit. I'm the one who empties it from time to time, even knowing that she may go comatose on me if we don't have something sweet on hand!
Thank you so much for sharing yourself in this post. I hope things are looking up. You are very good at expressing yourself, and I know that I am not alone in saying how much I can relate to what you are saying. We all have our demons and desires, we just have to keep on trying.

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YIWEN39 11/3/2011 8:42PM

    Cannie, I am (and all your Spark Friends too, I'm sure) with you every step of the way. Well done on finding the willingness today, well done on looking at your emotions right in the eye, well done on tackling chores that only add to your bad feelings. It's tough, but you are doing great.
You know, as I was reading you and especially noticing how long you have been struggling with this, I couldn't help thinking you might want to try Qigong. Thing is, you'd probably need a teacher who can listen to you, or at the very least a good book. Qigong has it that our emotions are linked to our organs and vice-versa. And specific Qigong exercises work on specific organs/emotions. I'm pretty sure some exercises are designed to tackle depression by re-balancing the organ responsible (I'd say the lungs, but I'd need to double-check). You might want to think about it?
Take care!
Eve emoticon

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NUOVAELLE 11/3/2011 7:36AM

    I always read and enjoy your blogs even when I don't have a comment to make. And you always sound like such an optimistic, extroverted person with a great sense of humor and it makes me sad that you have to battle depression. But I think you're doing it in a very successful way with or without sweets - preferably without, of course!
Your writing is always inspiring and provides food for thought. Keep it up!
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CELLISTA1 11/3/2011 1:26AM

    As usual, you touch a nerve. So many people here find ourselves in some weird form of addiction and many of us relate to using food to stop the emotions from surfacing. I feel that it's a combination of a biological need that is truly out of our control and an emotional need that can be somehow worked on and adapted and modified. I don't think that science has really solved this puzzle yet - why some people are more susceptible than others to certain chemicals, sugar among them. The emotional piece, though, can be examined, either in therapy or on one's own. I used to feel "I don't WANT to feel my feelings." They just seemed overwhelming, intrusive, dangerous. It was better to let them alone. But through a year or so of therapy, I started peeling the onion, and with every layer revealed a more authentic self. Life became much easier.

You are so good at self-examination, so conscious, so able to articulate your situation. Surely that is a major asset in the search for wellness. It's not easy, darn it, and you know very well that you may have to face it over and over again, yet using all the tools at your disposal you do better every day - and you become truly wise.

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ZIPCONTROL 11/2/2011 11:34PM

  See...you've nailed the problem at the base of it all...Eating to hide from emotions. You're already half way to getting over this. You can do it my friend !! emoticon

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VAMANOS 11/2/2011 10:48PM

    I'm putting off something my hubby wants me to do to read this, as the title intrigued me and I've somehow never read your blogs, my friend. So I hope you'll forgive me if I repeat what someone else has said, because I can't take the time to read all the remarks.

I think you're handling things very well. As for removing the candy, you would remove alcohol from the house if you had a problem with that, wouldn't you? I think it's a perfectly reasonable thing to do. No sense in adding to your struggle by keeping the temptation at hand. I can't say anything about the depression as I have neither the history nor the expertise, but I can say that you never stop missing your kids. I even miss my problem child...the one I love but don't like and don't want to be around. I miss his former, sweet self, the one I raised. I've moved away from my kids, not by choice but necessity, and I miss them, and it's ok to miss them. Have your cry if you must, Lord knows I have. But I'm here to tell you that someday it won't be quite as intense. You do get used to it. Fill your time with things you love to do and give yourself a pat on the back for coping well.

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MAMADWARF 11/2/2011 9:58PM

    uh yea. I ate 3 cookies while I read this. I am not kidding. I totally get it. I am proud of you for how you handled it. I really am. Hugs.

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MUSICALLYMINDED 11/2/2011 9:34PM

    "Eating to hide from emotions" is a problem I have too, Cannie. I wish I had a good solution for you. You always have the best advice out of my Sparkfriends, so maybe the right advice for you is somewhere inside that brilliant mind of yours. I think you know what it is. emoticon

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KMIRANDA2000 11/2/2011 9:33PM

    Way to face your fears!

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NUMD97 11/2/2011 9:25PM

    I am truly sorry to read this. You are such an incredibly supportive member of the Spark community.

I do agree with Jenn though: A full workup seems in order, from reassessing medications (if you are on them), to eliminating other potential causes for this new depression. Hypothyroidism is a major contender, as she already pointed out, but again, I'm sure that your doctor would develop a good differential diagnosis based on his/her years of knowing you and having you as a patient.

Reaching out to others is always a good first step, asking for help is important as we are not islands unto ourselves.

Your writing is so well-crafted, and I, amongst many others, am a big fan. If there is anything that I can offer you to alleviate some of your burden, you know where to find me.

I wish you godspeed,

Nu

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ERIKO1908 11/2/2011 9:02PM

    I really appreciate how you are stepping up from what has you down. I quite often find myself "unable" to tackle bits of my life in its messy state...I hate that feeling. I do appreciate that I'm not doing it while battling a fight against depression too! I send my hugs and prayers out to all that are!! Hugs to you!!

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HDHAWK 11/2/2011 8:42PM

    I'm hooked on the same drug you are and it's gotten so old. I've regained the 33 lbs. plus more. Now, when I think of losing 20 lbs. it will only get me back to where I was this summer when I needed to lose 20 lbs. So discouraging, so I haven't stuck with it for more than a day. I hate how my clothes fit and I'm tired all the time. When I do work out I'm so out of shape from where I was 2 yrs. ago it's ridiculous. I know if I stick with it things will get easier. It's the getting started that's hard.
I bawl like a baby every time my son leaves so don't feel bad. He's 22. When he moved to Phoenix for school I cried the whole weekend. He did great and just moved back home about 3 weeks ago. He's working and saving $ and will eventually get a job somewhere and move again. I always feel terrible when he leaves. My other son graduates next year so our nest will be empty. My daughter only live 10 mi. away, but I don't see her as often as I'd like. Everyone is so busy.
Take care. Thanks for being so honest!

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SEATTLE58 11/2/2011 6:38PM

    Awww Can, you hang in there and in the meantime, just think of your accomplishments. You've denied your candy drawer that you found, you had the strength yesterday to have your husband take away the leftover candy stash, you've had your weeping that makes you feel better, etc. You've really handled it in a good way, in a way that is shown by all your hard work in the past to be healthy. See, those healthy habits are trying to take over and it's working. You're an inspiration to me, so keep up the good work and have a good evening. emoticon

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MISSB8604 11/2/2011 6:37PM

    I am so proud of you for trying to deal with things rather than eat them. You are seriously an inspiration.



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1CRAZYDOG 11/2/2011 6:19PM

    Powerful blog. I wish I could personally give you a hug. You deserve it. It is hard to keep finghting the good fight, but really . . . what other choice is there . . . as you've discovered. So you take it a step at a time, a day-at-a-time and deal. You know we will do whatever we can to support you and help you.

You have really done well in your fight with other demons, so you will be able to conquer this one too.

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JITZUROE 11/2/2011 4:45PM

    Hello Dear Friend. I didn't know how long you had been battling the depression cloak in your life. I would think that as a pre-teen dealing with depression that there must have been many years where you weren't truly sure what it was. Ow. It makes me hurt for you. I have only been dealing with my bouts of depression for about 8 years, and often feel the weight of the heavy burden it adds to my life. I wish I could wash it off of you like it was caked on mud; breaking it up and diluting the suffocating grip it can have.

I personally have spent too much time in that 'if only' mentality: if only my husband didn't buy candy, if only I got more sleep, if only that friend didn't say something hurtful, if only I wasn't sick- I'd be happy. I was in such denial about my own state of mind. I can see the depression now in my life, and am finally owning it as mine. Although I wish it were gone, I need to respect it in order to distance myself from it. I'm not sure if I am making any sense at all ...

How can I help you today? Tell me and I will do my best to move mountains. All of us Spark pals will link arms to get you out.
And crying is good. You taught me that one : )
Bren


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DOODIE59 11/2/2011 4:32PM

    Hi Car
I am so sorry you are going through the "down" part of that tedious, endless cycle that is depression and relief from it. Big hugs and an ear, if you want it:)

There is a theory out there that children of alcoholics often crave sugar, suggesting that we inherit some of those tendencies. I can easily avoid the temptations of alcohol because I have seen the damage it can do, but I cannot block my blind desire for sugar.

As others have said, a sugar binge is often a physical warning for me that instability is coming. Unfortunately, a one-day binge can take weeks to wean back from. If we could in our hearts label sugar as one of the official addictions (alcohol, ciggies and drugs) it might be easier to fight against.

Go into your doctor's office armed with questions. At the very least you might arrive home with more information, and knowledge is power:)

I know it is very hard to be objective or even reasonable on the bad days ... but hang in there, they too shall pass:)

Deirdre

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DEE0973 11/2/2011 4:31PM

    You have blessed us tremendously with the transparency in which you write your blogs. That's all you need, one conscious decision one day at a time.

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ON2GOALS 11/2/2011 3:39PM

    Yes, I too know this feeling all too well, and how quickly it turns into a run-away train. Most everything I read says that if you completely eliminate certain foods from your diet, you will only crave them more....just eat them in moderation. Well, that's the problem - I NEVER can seem to eat sugar in "Moderation", so is swearing off it completely my only hope??? I really don't know. One thing is for sure, Carole - you have made great strides here in your SparkJourney, even if it hasn't always been as direct a route as you would have liked. You are facing issues head on, and your gutsy, honest blogs are helping us to do the same. Wishing you all manner of good things, including peace and joy.
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J0ETTE 11/2/2011 3:37PM

    The roller coaster ride we are on is part of the journey... You will get there. You sound like you are doing pretty good. You avoided the temptations of Halloween!

Having the kids grow up and start their own roller coaster ride is enevitible, some days it's easy.... Other days, it is very challenging. My son moved out of our house a year ago on Halloween day... He was 25. Seeing him be a hard worker and overcome the obstacles in life are wonderful... The days when he doesn't look like he is winning the battle are not so east though.... They will survive... After all, they have watched their parents survive and I think we are good role models.

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JENNSWIMS 11/2/2011 3:31PM

    First, sugar is a drug. FACT. It will interfere with your mood. Sugar is far more effective as a drug when you've given up all the good drugs, so you're going to get the real whammy from it.

Ok, so that topic aside, I hate the term "low grade depression" because it downplays the awfulness of what the experience feels like. Like you should be celebrating because you can still get off the couch occasionally and you still take a shower once in a while.

Depression sucks.

So what's the deal? How long has it been? Is it time to get meds/have med adjustment? Is it time for a thyroid level/glucose level/general physical with labs to make sure this isn't something other than depression.

If it helps, I consider binging on sugar a sign that I need to be hypervigilant about my depression status. For me it is an early red flag.

P.S.
I think you're awesome.

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WINFIELD28 11/2/2011 3:31PM

    You express your feelings to well here. We have too much in common - bouts of depression, 'hiding from emotions eating,' a young adult child - off at college. Mine's a senior this year, and I still get teary-eyed each time she leaves. Like you said, I finally have decided it's okay to feel those emotions and cry. I feel better and I get on with things. You are also so smart about doing tasks that we'd rather not and feeling so much better once they are done. 'Now, that wasn't so bad after all was it?' I hear my self saying more and more these days.
Thank you for your blog today! You always 'nail it!'
Have a wonderful evening!

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DAISY443 11/2/2011 3:22PM

    Keep fighting the good fight! Hugs!

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MARKSTIPANOVSKY 11/2/2011 2:52PM

    Willing to learn, adapt, love, laugh and cry... Have a lovely day and choose nice - beats depressing every time...

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MIQUEY73 11/2/2011 2:43PM

    Wow. I just wrote a blog (not as eloquent or concise as yours) but our stories today are very similar.

I remember having a lightbulb moment maybe two years ago about my relationship with sugar. I remember going thru a stressful time where I was all tense, eating a candy bar and then feeling emotionally ok. I realized that the sugar relaxed me momentarily but it was a viscious cycle. It was more like an addiction. Makes you feel good for the moment but then the high goes away and you need more to achieve the same high.

Between then and now I had lost sight of that aha moment and still am dealing with my same issues. Knowing that I am not the only one that struggles with this is comforting to a point. It irritates me that we even have to struggle.

You and I will figure it out. We're smart, capable, determined women who can do anything we set our minds to. emoticon

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MEWHENRYSMAMA 11/2/2011 2:41PM

    OH DEAR FRIEND, HOLD ON TO THE BAR!! I AM IN THE CART BEHIND YOU, HOLDING ON TO THE BAR MYSELF! AND I FEEL VERY SAFE IN SAYING THE LINE OF CARTS AND BARS IS VERY LONG AND IT IS A VERY BIG AND LONG RIDE THAT MANY OF US ARE ALSO ON!! I, TOO, HAVE SUFFERED FROM DEPPRESSION FROM CHILDHOOD AND IT CAME WITH ME INTO ADULTHOOD. I FEEL BLESSED TO NOT HAVE IT'S UGLY HEAD APPEAR OFTEN IN MIDLIFE, BUT THE MEMORY OF IT IS FRESH, AND I NEVER ASSUME IT CAN'T APPEAR AGAIN. FOOD HAS ALWAYS BEEN A "HELP" THROUGH THESE TIMES. IT IS A TRUE FORM OF SELF MEDICATING AND ONE THAT IS READY, WILLING, AND ABLE TO BE THERE WITHOUT ANY RAMIFICATIONS OTHER THAN WEIGHT GAIN. THEN, OFCOURSE, WHEN THAT BECOMES AN ISSUE, WE CONTINUE TO DO THE SAME THING TO COPE WITH IT, AND THEN THE NON ENDING CYCLE...OR THAT FURNACE THAT HAS FOOD AS FUEL!! SO WELL PUT! I WILL SAY YOU ARE NOT ALONE. WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER AND CAN SUPPORT AND COMFORT EACH OTHER AS THESE THINGS COME UPON US. I AM NOT MISSING A SON, BUT I MISS MY FAMILY. ONLY MY HUSBAND IS IN THE SAME STATE! I HAVE A SMALL FAMILY, BUT ALL ARE FAR AWAY AND I HAVE NOT SEEN MY MOM FOR 3 YEARS OR SISTER AND KIDS FOR 2!!! WE PLAN TO GET TOHETHER THIS THANKSGIVING, BUT I CRY EVEYTIME WE DRIVE AWAY, AS I KNOW HOW LONG IT WILL BE UNTIL SEE THEM AGAIN. WE ALL HAVE TO FIND HEALTHY WAYS TO HELP OURSELVES....BUT IT IS HARD, BUT YOU HAVE MY UNDERSTANDING AND SUPPORT!
AND SOMEHOW I KNOW I HAVE YOURS!!
BEST WISHES, ALWAYS!
MARY
emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 11/2/2011 2:45:01 PM

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CATS_MEOW_0911 11/2/2011 2:39PM

    Carole, I have nothing but respect and admiration for you--when a challenge presents itself, you work through it even though it is uncomfortable. I am proud of you for standing up to the temptation. Thank you for sharing, and know that you are not alone.

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MOMGABE 11/2/2011 2:32PM

    WOW! I can so relate to your whole battle with sugar, compulsive eating and using sugar as your drug of choice. I, too, have been struggling with my eating. You are inspiring me to take it one day at a time. Thanks for sharing your journey.

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