Fearing the future
Monday, October 31, 2011
So on my way home from work today, I had an epiphany. I think the reason I've been having so much trouble getting started on this healthy lifestyle journey is because I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of skinny, healthy me. Let me explain.
I know I can do this. I know that once I have the right amount of willpower and motivation, I'll succeed and will lose the weight I want to lose, and will become healthy and fit. I know I can. But after the past few weeks that I've had (just down in the dumps, eating anything and everything, and not being able to motivate myself to workout), I know that a month of not really watching what I'm eating, and not working out will make me gain 10 pounds.
And I'm terrified that, once I get started and start seeing results, I'm not going to be allowed to slip up. I'm not going to be able to make that really yummy-looking recipe for red velvet cheesecake brownies that I saw on Pinterest because if I do, I'll eat all of them, and I'll gain 5 pounds. I have very little self-control when it comes to overeating delicious foods like that. And the thing is, I want the option to eat those damn brownies! I don't want to have to watch everything I eat for the rest of my life so that I can stay in my size 6's (or whatever I'm in at my healthy weight).
Once I get there, it's for good, and there's no turning back. I think the reason I've had so much trouble is because I'm not ready for no turning back. I wish I was, I really do, because I want to be thin and fit and healthy. I just don't know quite where to turn next.