Friday, October 28, 2011
After careful thought and looking back at things, I see that all of my coping mechanisms have lead me to where I am today. In a very unhealthy state. But how does one go about changing coping mechanisms that they have had since childhood? There in lies the question.
I can remember back when I was 7 or 8, my first coping mechanism was trying to take my life. Part was a "I'll show them, won't they be sorry" responce, part was "No one will even miss me if I do this" and the other part was "This is the only thing I know that I can do that will make my father happy with me." I went through this for over 10 years, in high school it was really bad. I pretty much avereged about 8-10 attempts a year.
Never being able to go through with it only lead me to see myself as one weak, powerless individual. Constantly telling yourself that you are weak has its toll. That's when I think I turned my suicidal coping mechanism into my eating coping mechanism. I would eat and eat and eat. Sophmore year I jumped from a size 13 to a size 18 and to this day still wish I had listened to my mom and gone to a doctor about it. I would look at my body in the mirror and just want to take a knife and cut and stab myself over and over and over again. The only thing that stopped me was the fear that it would hurl like hell. That's when I usually would go grab something to eat and shove my face with junk food.
Last year I actually did start cutting, only a few times. I was lifted up by someone who made me feel loved and beautiful only to drop me like an anvil into some bottomless pit. I'm not going to lie, the few times I did cut, the endorphin rush was simply amazingly calming and soothing and just made everything simply melt away.
Now back to the present, I have recently gone from eating lots of junk food at night, chips, home made baked goods, ice cream...to eating fruits and veggies and I think it has caused a shock to my system. Lately I have been very emotional and any little tiff I get into with my mom has got me either wanting to end it all or to take a knife and cut and stab. These feelings are so intense lately, they have never ever been this intense before. So now when I ignore them and say "NO" I end up breaking down and crying and this overwhelming feeling of just wanting to die. Sometimes its brought up just by walking in a store and not being able to get the sweets that I normally would of gotten. I just don't understand it, I didn't forsee any of these happening.
Hell, I love fruits and veggies. I had to discover yummy veggies like artichokes, asparugus, broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, spring mix lettuce, raddichio, eggplant....all in my adult life!
When I was little lima beans and peas and potatoes is what was shoved down my throat and I would fight them all becuase I didn't like them! I also remember 'helping' my mom make salads in the summer, only all the chopped up veggies would 'disappear'. So all this emotion I am going through is simply just shocking. I just hope I have it in me to continie and not give in to these dark desires.
A big part of me does feel "who am I to complain? I have had it easy compared to some people" So if anyone reading this feels like I am just complainging to complain, I'm sorry. I wrote this out for me, and there are so many details that I have left out. My mind is just a jumbling mess at the moment, so I will end it here.