Thursday, October 27, 2011
I haven't posted since June. I haven't stuck to my healthy eating religiously since December of last year. This whole year has been such a struggle. I just read the last post I wrote in June: www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
It says everything I have been feeling this whole year. I had done so well and had felt so good about myself, so I'm not even sure what or how it happened, but I lost all control of everything I worked so hard. The "cookie" has gotten me under its control.
I know WHY I eat. I eat because I am bored. I eat because its the only thing that consistently makes me happy. I eat because I have HORRIFIC cravings. I know what I should eat, and I do occasionally have a few good days of eating very healthy. I regain some semblance of sanity and tell myself I can do this, and I do, for a few days. Then I let my emotions take over and say why bother and just start eating again. I have no real excuses, I just do it. We all know how the cycle goes. You eat bad - you feel bad about yourself - so you eat bad again and feel worse about yourself and it continues on until when? At what point does the cycle stop.
I really thought I had my eating under control and the new lifestyle under total control. I feel so stressed most of the time, so I allow myself to turn to food. I get little support with eating healthy and I allow myself to turn to food. I get down on myself and get depressed, so what do I do? I turn to food. Somehow food never lets me down. The only problem is, it really does. It is what makes the cycle continue on indefinitely. I wish I knew how all of you success stories have mastered the junk food cycle. Feeling healthy doesn't seem to motivate me. Feeling confident doesn't seem to give me inspiration. Smaller clothes don't seem to keep me on the right path. So what does it take? It's not that I don't feel worthy. I do. It's not that I don't like myself, I do. I just revert back to bad food choices on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis because it mentally makes me feel good - and NO I definitely don't physically feel good - so why do I do it?
I am pouring my heart out to you all to ask how do you overcome these feelings? I hate myself for allowing myself to feel like this and use it as an excuse for what I am doing. The cycle is horrible and a lot of people go through it. I have always told myself, you don't wait until you FEEL like living a healthy lifestyle to do it, because that feeling may never come, you just DO IT because you know its the thing to do. But, I then sabotage my efforts and fall back into my old ways. I feel so hopeless and worry that despite being successful today, there is always tomorrow and the day after that. Its a lifetime journey that will continue until I die. That is a LONG time to try and stay on the right path. I know I will fall at times because I am human, but its that one time I fall that seems to set me in a tailspin and I'm unable to stop after that. Its harder to get back up, dust yourself off and get back on the horse immediately and continue on successfully. What is it that makes you successful? What has helped you succeed? What gives you the inspiration to go one more day?