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I don't know where to start and I'm tired of being alone!!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

This is my cry for help.

I've been worried about my weight daily for the past 5 to 6 months. I've tired many different things: challenges, spark buddies, etc. I'm not sure where my motivation or self care have ran off to. My self esteem is at an all time LOW!

I stay in the house because I'm ashamed of the way I've allowed myself to get. I've never been this big, had self esteem this low, no will power, no motivation, and of all I've never been this alone.

Everyday I wonder how would my life be if I lost this weight, when will I really lose this weight, will I have children, will I get married, will I get diabetes and other illnesses because I'm not losing this weight...this list of questions goes on and on EVERYDAY...And I'm tired, but not tired enough to change my life.

I'm not sure when or where I lost hope and gave up on myself. But I do know I need help all kinds that I can get. I normally try online support but here at home I do everything alone (exercise & diet). I've never tried a personal trainer or life coach. Maybe that would help but who has money for those things.

The purpose of this blog is to reach others that feel like I feel and to also get some guidance because I seriously don't know where to start or how to begin after years of failure and repetitive dieting.

The hardest part for me is the eating plan: creating a grocery list, grocery shopping, and of course cooking.

Hopefully I can save myself sooner than later because I haven't been happy in a very long time and I'm only 25!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MELP06
    emoticon to you my Sparkfriend! You are NOT alone! Like many others have said, pick something small to start with. I've been in the same rut lately and am just pulling myself out. I'm only on day 3 of getting back on track, but I already feel so much better! How much water have you had today? Carry a bottle with you at all times! Have you tried the menu planner on here? It can also make you a grocery list. Play around with that and see how it goes!
    2339 days ago
    You CAN do this, and you've got a great start already on the weight loss. Maybe if you go back and review your original reasons for wanting to lose the weight, it would help you to refocus and find your motivation. One thing that has helped me a lot as far as cooking and eating is to always have a few Lean Cuisine or Smart Ones dinners in the freezer for those times when I don't want to cook. That makes the chances a lot higher that I'm going to at least stay in my calorie range with a healthy meal. I reached the point where I hated to even go outdoors because I was so fat but I discovered that getting out, even just for a walk around the block if nothing else, is crucial to my mental well-being. Don't shut yourself away!!! Trust me, I've been there and it doesn't help at all. You're young and have your whole life ahead to make gradual changes to get to where you want to be. Take it from an old lady :) ,do it NOW. You are soooo precious and worth the effort!!!
    2339 days ago
    I appreciate you all and thank you for your words of encouragement I will take the time to read all of your comments and get back to you personally. Again thank you.

    2339 days ago
    1. What's the payoff? You are getting a pay-off from being where you are and YOU are the only one who knows what that pay-off is. You will NOT change your life until you decided that living the life you WANT is more important than giving up the payoff you get from living your CURRENT life.

    2. Forget the scale. Seriosly. What do you want? Do you want to go on a diet and lose XXX pounds only to "go off the diet" and gain it all again? Or do you want to make a lifestyle change that will lead to the lean, healthy body and active life you want to live for the REST of your life? If you've chosen the second options, keep on reading.

    3. Streaks Work! So, if you're NOT on a diet but are making over your life, you have to be patient. You have to understand that you are changing your life and lifestyle change can take time. There are a few things you need to do: drink lots of water every day, plan meals and cook at home (and from scratch) a big portion of those meals, get your body moving on a regular basis, and eat fewer calories than you need to maintain your weight. If you do these things consistently over the long run, your body will start changing. Since you are likely to fail if you try to do ALL of these things AT ONCE, start somewhere and develop that habit. Once that is firmly entrenched, then add a second habit. So on and so forth. KEEP TRACK of every time you drink all your water. At the end of the week, give yourself a small gift (non food related, please) for keeping your body hydrated. You'll feel so much better when you SAY you're going ot drink your water every day and then DO IT. There is nothing like streaks to hike up your self-esteem.

    4. It's a J.O.B. Do you have a job? If you do, what happens when it's time to go to work? Do you decide that today you're too tired? that today is not convenient for you to go to work? that just this once you're going to skip it cuz you can always go to work on Monday? Nope. If you need the pay check and the job is giving you the pay check you GO TO WORK WHETHER YOU WANT TO OR NOT. Well, darling, you now have a SECOND job - to take good care of yourself.

    Take out your calendar. When are you going for a walk? What is a good day for you to do your grocery shopping? Do do your batch cooking? To plan your meals? Choose the right days, put them on your schedule and KEEP TO IT. Today is my cooking day. It's a glorious sunny 75 degrees where I live. Would I rather go sit under a tree with a book and my MP3 player? YES. Am I going to? Nope - not unless I do all my cooking before the sun goes down. It's my job to cook healthy meals, to portion the food out into measured and weighed meals that will give me good nutrition and enough calories to thrive and lose weight.

    5. Get help. All those nasty tapes playing inside your head are going to be your demise. No money for therapy? Go to the library. There are self-help workbooks out there that will help you with any number of things. Don't just check out the books and half-read them. Commit to doing the work in each chapter and you'll start getting more self-knowledge and the ability to make better choices for yourself.

    6. You CAN do this. Period.
    2339 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/26/2011 12:20:51 PM
    You are worth it and you are loved. I am just starting out again on my journey and for once I feel like I am really getting it. I have always been on to jump on the scale on a day to day basis and never saw it budge or I would gain and just give up well now I have learned to eat a little better cooking foods that are tasty and not adding extra salt and eating more veggies. Plus I go for a walk every other day atleast. I take my kids along and we go for about and hour walk. I couldnt walk 5 houses down let alone around the block when I started. Its all about getting up and moving and I was were you are sick of myself, pushed everyone away because I just didnt feel like I was worth the attention. Pushed my husband away and fell into some bad habits that I am breaking. I was so self conscious still am but I would hide if some of my husbands friends came over and that's the truth we had started watching a pvp event we purchased and his friends called and said they were going to come over and watch it and although I was really wanting to see it I went to bed. I am a very emotional eater and there were days I would down a huge bowl of ice cream and then want to kick myself because I know I shouldn't of done it over 1000 calories in 1 sitting after I had eaten all of the other food for the was bad and I kept doing it. So for the past month I have been focusing on making me happy..getting up walking I found some billy blanks tao bo video that is broken up in stages first one is a warm up and goes into the beginning of his routine its 10 minutes next one is about 8 minutes and it picks it up a little bit more you start to feel the burn in your legs and the next one I havent been able to fully do yet but im working on it there is a total of 5 videos I found if you want the link I would be glad to give them to you plus there is a coach Nicole workout on here that is a 10 minute boot camp video and its a good workout every easy to start out with and she shows you ways to make it a little harder or says if you cant keep up slow down for a bit and march in place. This site if you use it is amazing and I have been a member for over 2 years just about and I am just now realizing all it had to offer and im sure I havent even scratched the surface. If you need any help or just someone to talk to I am here for you.
    2339 days ago
    Some great advice in these responses, and I definitely want to echo some of CONNIE50's suggestions. Start with small goals and work yourself up from there. Definitely make a commitment to move at least 15 minutes a day (walking is the best and gets you out of the house). Focus on adding more fruits and veggies in your day. Once you have a handle on those, start focusing on specific meal options. There are great ideas on the message boards and cooking teams. I got a lot of ideas from Spark's Healthy Cooking Challenge (I hope I got that name right!). You can also feel free to tell me the kinds of foods you like and ask me for some of my favorite recipes that you might enjoy - I will be glad to share!

    At the end of the day, focus on the positive things you did and decide what your goals are for the next day. Some days are going to be better than others. Just keep going. Don't give up. You CAN do this and you ARE so worth it!!
    2339 days ago
    You are so deserving of a nice, fit, healthy body! And you sound like a really sweet, caring person - how about turning some of that goodness toward yourself? Treat yourself like your very best friend, with all the best intentions and the actions to back them. Since it's hard right now, how about just adding in a healthy new behavior or two to your daily routine? I found the most power-packed step I took was to track every bite I ate, no matter what. Spark has lots of helpful tools for determining what you want to weigh - and what it will take, calorie-wise, to get there. So first and foremost, I'd set those calories for healthy, sustainable weight loss and start tracking.

    I'm still tracking, at goal weight now. I need to - I'm a really compulsive binge-eater, and I know myself too well to just trust myself to eat what I feel like having. I know from experience that it'll be way too much...and it won't be healthy fuel, either.

    I guess personal trainers and life coaches can help, although people have been known to fail with them, too. It all comes down to compliance and consistency, and these folks cost big $$...

    You want - and deserve! - great self-esteem, and at 25, this is a good time to PREVENT diabetes. It runs in my family, too, and it robbed relatives of so much... so preventing that terrible disease was an important motivation for me. You are so wise to understand this risk at your young age! You can have a long, healthy life ahead of you, complete with husband and children - it's not too much to ask, and it'll be so worth it, too.

    Start today...
    2339 days ago
    Believe me, we all cry out for help, do you have friends that you can work out with? The key is to stay focus and it sound as though you have lost focus on "you." You are the reason, very important child of God. Put that spark back on you and don't let the flames burn out. emoticon
    2339 days ago
    Can you outline a few small goals for yourself. I mean small.
    Then take one at a time and build from there. This is not my first go around so I knew about healthy eating but to be successful you need to track foods and read up on healthy eating. It will take time but you will have a group of recipes or just food that you like to eat. And you will learn what has the calories and what doesn't. I hate to cook and I make quick simple things. I also love vegetables. We each have to find what works for our tastes. The good thing is you are young and no different than many young people who have to learn to eat right. Don't expect it to happen all in one day. Next is some movement. Movement helps with the eating and to boost how we feel about ourselves. I don't go to a gym either. At first I could only walk less than a block due to pain. Again you will find what you like. And maybe what you start with will change as you get better fit. The library has DVD's to try, you can walk to a store, or join a class. Yes it can be intimidating but then again I find that thin people worry about their looks all the time. It is all relative. Mostly you need some comfort and coping mechanisms that don't revolve around food. We eat too much because of many emotional reasons or boredom. Also we are used to eating that much. I am amazed how little I eat now compared to what I was eating before. Maybe you want to join Weight Watchers or some structured program? Do stay in the positive by trying to find small things to feel good about. Notice positives even in negative situations. Read things to make you feel positive, listen to music that makes you feel good, and move to it too. Use SP in many different ways to keep your head where you want it to be. Be kind to yourself and realize that you deserve to feel good. Many of us have years of struggling. You are young and you have many years to form new habits. You deserve it, you can do it, and be patient and just start with some small successes so you can start to feel good about your direction. emoticon
    2339 days ago
    Hang in there .... I must say I have been in a rut for quite a long time! I am turning 40 in a month and that's really stessing me out too. All you can do is take in 1 day at a time. Are you exercising at all? That helps me a little ... even just being outside in the fresh air. And, you are helping yourself ... you are sparking and reaching out. That's something!
    One day at a time!
    2339 days ago
    You are worth it to do your absolute BEST!

    I've tried ~Fad diets they are the worst of all ways to FAIL. I have tried so many and failed every single time. Spark has tools to help you. USE them, they will teach you to change your lifestyle and you will love yourself completly!

    Next get an Mp3 player if you don't already have one. A cheap one will do. ( mine was less than $20) Download some awesome kickazz music and jam. Crap! Dance your azz all ova da room! You can do this alone and feel great doing it! It will boost your emotions to happy-go-lucky feeling! You'll be smiling and burning calories while having fun!

    I put my mp3 player on in the office at work and chair dance! LOL I don't care what people think, I just smile and keep on b-boppin'!

    Love ya girl! You are FabO!
    2339 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/26/2011 11:56:10 AM
    Hello there,
    to me it sounds like you are doing everything right. You are an active, attractive woman. I am sure you meet people at zumba or at kick boxing. Try and see the positive things going on in your life instead of the negative.
    We are all in the same boat here on Spark.
    If you want to talk, we are here for you.

    Take care,

    2339 days ago
    Absolutely concentrate on the nutrition side of things. Weight loss is 80% nutrition, 20% exercise. You should exercise for your health but only tackle 1 issue at a time.

    Start with your Spark Fast Break goals. What are they? Maybe they are to eat 2 servings of vegetables a day. Try to do that every day for a week then REWARD yourself (not with food) for doing that. The next week, add another healthy habit to your regimen.

    Don't try to completely change your diet overnight. This doesn't work and it will only lead to binging. Make some small changes to get yourself started and reward yourself when you do well. That's what I did and I have lost over 40 pounds! I still have days where I overeat but what matters is that overall, over time I am making healthier choices.

    You didn't gain the weight overnight. You're not going to lose it overnight. Trust the process. It takes a long time but it works.
    2339 days ago
  • DEE0973
    emoticon I offer my support, not sure which area of the country you live in, but I'm in the Tampa Bay area. I'm so sorry that you feel this alone. You have taken the first step by acknowledging you need help and then reaching out for help. Do you have family/friends/collegues who have similar goals that you can do this with? With regards to groceries, just start with the foods you enjoy and be sure to include some fruits and veggies.
    Try not to look at it as a mountainous task, start with doing some form of activity 3-4 times a week (better if its an activity you enjoy like dancing, hiking, playing a particular sport, etc)
    Make 1-2 minor changes at a time regarding your your eating habits. Don't think of this as a diet that you'll complete, but as something you will be doing for a lifetime.
    You can do this and there's plenty of support her on SP for you. Stay strong my sister, I got your back.

    Have a Blessed Day!!
    2339 days ago
    emoticon As long as you are Plugged In to Spark you aren't alone. We have all felt what you are feeling!! The first thing is to start by talking Positively to yourself. It might feel weird at first, but Trust Me. Look yourself in the Face every morning and say what you would say to your Best Friend.
    Giving yourself a Positive Talk every morning will set a Positive Tone for the day.
    emoticon Are you a member of a Gym or a Church? Maybe you could find a Buddy there or at School to help you stay motivated?
    2339 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/26/2011 11:30:41 AM
    Start with just saying..."I am worth it"cause you are..if you dont love yourself no one else can......start simple and try to get in at least 3 fruits and or vegetables a day and try to work up to 5....try walking for 15 minutes a day...only 15 minutes out of 24 hrs...thats not bad...and every week gradually increase walk time by 5 minutes everyweek....You can do this
    2339 days ago
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