Tuesday, October 25, 2011
I've mentioned before about coming and going on SP for over 4 years. I never totally left, but I often didn't do anything for many months at a time. For some reason, last May a Spark was lit within me and I have been sailing along pretty well since then. In my very first blog I wrote about my previous weight loss efforts and how I've lost and gained hundreds of pounds over the years. I also confessed my dirty little secret about being addicted to food—certain foods, that is. (Is anyone ever addicted to apples?)
Recently a Spark friend wrote a blog titled “I blew it” with her story about making poor choices one day in her journey. The real message, though, I think is that she mentioned that in the past she has lost weight and then gotten to a point where all that stops and nothing more happens, and in fact, the weight creeps back on (in my case, there is no creeping...it jumps back on by leaps and bounds). Her comments got me to thinking about myself and has brought me to acknowledge something I've not been willing to deal with—at least not until now.
I've managed to shed a bit more than 40 pounds since May of this year. As I mentioned, I've lost lots of weight before. I'm so grateful and thrilled I've come this far this time. But, always in the deep dark recesses of my mind, there remains this nagging feeling that it is only a matter of time before I let go and give up and slink back into that dark place where I'm doing nothing to become healthier. My fear of failure is sometimes strong, and possibly it is what has motivated me to a certain extent. My thinking is sometimes skewed (well, maybe lots of the time...LOL) and I wonder how long it will be before I screw it up royally and regain all the weight--again.
So today I had to stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things. On the way past the canned vegetables, my eye caught the display for “French Fried Onions” (with the emphasis on fried, of course). You know the ones I'm talking about—you use them in green bean casseroles. I absolutely love those things! Crunchy, greasy, salty and oniony—totally disgusting to most of you, I'm sure. A package jumped off the shelf and into my cart (with a little help, I'm afraid). After I got home I ate the whole bit...3 oz of junk that figures out at 480 calories, 240 of which are fat calories! Now the self-disgust and beating myself up has started and I am so totally scared that I've set off the Monster within me! That's my real fear...I can sort the rest out as as far as the calories and understanding that one mistake does not have to set the tone for the rest of the journey. I just don't know if I can fend off The Monster and unfortunately, the fear of my failure is looming large right now.
I'm curious to know if those folks who have been so successful at losing so many pounds, including a hundred or more in many cases, have these thoughts, questions and fears? I can understand a fear of gaining it back after reaching our goals, but I'm a long way from being at my goal. Am I the only one who struggles with this? If nothing else, at least I can vent about this in what I consider to be a safe place among understanding and supportive friends.