Tuesday, October 25, 2011
This week was a bad one for me. I asked a professor, who I thought liked me, to write me a letter of recommendation. First he said yes, but then he asked me to show all of my application and all grades that I have done so far. That made me really mad. Funnily it made me mad at myself. I wondered, why I asked someone like him to write me a letter of recommendation. There are other Professors that really like me (one even hired me). I mean this man is not the most intelligent person I have met. He is a very bad lecturer and his writing is terrible. I just asked him, because unfortunately those half talented people often have the best connections... grrr. (wow this is the first time I actually got mad at him!!). So, dear reader, I also wonder, writing this down, why I would ever asked someone like him for a favor.
I was very frustrated and all the bad things that ever happened to me in my "professional" career (including bad teachers in highschool) rushed into my head and I went over and over and over every little mishap that happened to me as a student. I mean I really beat myself up.
Normally I would stay in this condition and dive deeper into myself pitty and of course start to eat and than be disappointed of myself. Normally I would give up myself and forget my goals.
But this week things changed. Every time I felt the craving for chocolate I asked myself why I wanted to eat it. And of course the answer was: "because I am depressed!" And this week I focused on my goals. I said to myself that the approval of one man wouldnīt change my diet, because I am doing this for me. I donīt know, if I lost weight, because my scale isnīt working anymore, but just the fact that I didnīt give in and didnīt try to myself by eating to much, was a great success. All these thought occured to me, while jogging tonight.
Here I am, the girl that could barely ran five minutes a few months ago, is now running half an hour without any problems. And the best thing of all is: In May/June when I started running I told my boyfriend that we could train together, when I were able to run half an hour straight. In June I told him he should be ready at Christmas. I assumed it would take me at least till December to run half an hour. But I can do it now. This is the first time I achieved a long wished dream. I worked regularly (but not to hardly) and I only focused on feeling good while doing it. Thanks to the good advice of Sparks members I donīt have pain in my knee anymore while running.
I have never achieved any sports related goal. Never! Because I always gave up at week three or four. And without even realizing it and focusing on my well being I can run half an hour now. And according to my breath I will soon be able to run 45 min!
I hope that one day, I can be as nice to myself as I am to my body at the moment. Who knows, maybe outer change will start inner change. Iīll see. So all in all it was a successful week. ;-)