Tuesday, October 25, 2011
For the last few weeks, I've been writing about how mentally I am feeling really good, however, I'm not making much progress on the weight loss goal. I have been more together in terms of having grocieries in the house to help make good choices, but there are still lots of junk food items as well. I know myself well enough and have had enough experience to know that if I say, "No candy or junk of any kind" I will immediately sabotage myself and end up in failure.
The truth is, as Oprah would say, the universe has been more than whispering to me that it's time to get serious. With the weight that I have to lose, it is my ton of bricks. For so long, I, like Oprah, believed that a thinner me is a better me. I realize that being fat is not what has stood in my way - it's me who has been afraid and hiding in the food.
The truth is, to lose weight, one must lessen the amount of food or at the very least, change the type of food. Additionally, I must maintain focus. There are so many reasons to "go off" but it's not about going on and off, it's about making each decision each time I'm faced with it.
So, we'll see how this goes. I don't want to make some big promises or think ahead to the 100 pounds I would ideally like to lose. For now, I'm back in stage 1, logging my food, exercising and journaling. Staying within calories for today is enough to hang over my head.
While I have been feeling clearer, and I give credit to the regular prayer and meditation I have been working at, I know there are hurts in my life that are affecting me. Having lost my two closest friends this year is still very painful. I have been listening to a book by a woman with ALS. The book is a collection of letters she wrote to friends and family as her disease progressed. Interstingly enough, today's entry was October 25 (2006). Her letter of this date noted how as her illness progressed, she kept thinking that at some point, her old life would return but she realized this is not the case. I think I need to realize that too. However, acceptance can be freedom. Who knows what miracle lies ahead of me.
I know for sure that I am in a cycle of change. Just like plants and all living things, I believe there are times when our lives are gearing up for the next phase. Just because I'm in my forties doesn't mean there is nothing new ahead. Quite the contrary, perhpas there are even bigger things ahead.