That's not a typo.
I am literally "waisting" my time. The longer I wait to do something, to bigger my waist grows. I have been silently grieving the loss of my parents from which they both died of obesity related diseases (in a way, my dads wasn't caused by obesity, but it helped contribute to getting him into the place he was). I said it should have scared me before and I also said it didn't. It does. It terrifies me and I think that because I'm not actually confronting my issues that nothing is being done about it.
My iphone is updating right now so I have a little time to write about this.
For now I am preaching about confrontation, acceptance and the power to change. I always thought it was a bullcrap thing for publicity and to not make Bob and Jillian look like such aggressive jerks on The Biggest Loser. I was wrong. This is an absolute revelation that is needed in order to succeed.
For the last 2 years I have gone from sitting all day, to a sort of routine, to throwing myself full force into action (I call this not just jumping the gun, but carrying the bullet to the target yourself), to "taking a break", to "getting back on the wagon", to "falling off the wagon", to weight watchers, to taking the winter off, to "well I can eat what I want, I just have to watch how much" and then eating all of it, to working out here and there, lots of fads and lots of "tricks". I have even reconsidered surgery, but have decided that if I can't make a firm decision on whether I can do it myself or not then I can't commit to that kind of body modification. Throughout the 2 years I have been silently grieving the loss of my parents. It has been hard for me mentally and even physically because I don't express it or talk about it enough. I'm back to sitting most of my day. With 3 kids I shouldn't even be considering that. I should be on the go and moving around, taking care of this and that... but I'm not. I do the minimum of what is needed. And I can no longer stand it. I'm not the first person to say I hate cleaning or cooking and I hate hearing the sound of my kids arguing or fighting. But it doesn't mean I don't do those things. I just feel like that's more than enough for me to do during the day. People work for a living, deal with what I do as a parent and still go to the gym. Why am I not doing that? I don't push myself and I don't handle any of my issues. I tuck them away to the point where I feel hopeless.
I'm on the weight watchers program and have been for months. Just like spark people, it doesn't work if you don't follow it. If you don't commit. I haven't committed myself to pretty much anything for a long time. I miss that, so I am going to try and bring myself back to that.
The bottom line is I'm lazy and suffering from my extreme personal losses. When you take that and what I secretly want (to be healthy, thin and fit) it's like oil and water in the same bottle. I don't have to "get over it", but I do need to find a way to manage it. I don't have to work out 24/7 I can still have down time. I can mix all of that with getting healthy. If I just shake the bottle. I don't have to worry about it settling too much because I should be sticking with it.
So I have confronted myself and what holds me back numerous times. It was up to me whether or not I accepted it.
Yesterday I was in the restroom putting things away and saw a photo of my Dad standing in the front of the family cemetery in Texas with my brother from 1996. It's where we buried my Mom in June 2009 and he's standing exactly in the same spot where we buried him next to her in April 2011. It shook me to the core. I miss them so very much, I don't have to get over that, but I shouldn't keep it to myself. I realized though, that I am going to go the same way they did (in more humane ways), from similar illnesses if I don't actually change myself. And THEY wouldn't want that for me. Not just that I don't want that, but my parents wouldn't want me to go through what they did.
I accepted myself, my flaws, everything I know I'm not doing right and now everything I know I should do right. I might not change it by tomorrow, but today is a good start.
The power to change, will power, self motivation, jumpstart, a spark... those are all the same thing. It's all right here inside me waiting to get used. I just haven't kept it in motion. I ignite my flame now and then and eventually let it die out. I shouldn't need health risks to get me going, but clearly that's what it has taken. My hips are bad, my lower back is killing me when I sleep now (not my bed), my heels hurt, I get insane headaches from blood pressure randomly, I sleep far too much and I'm always tired. I shouldn't get winded doing little things. I shouldn't have to stop in the beginning of playing with my kids. But I do and God is it frustrating. I have tested my own faith and failed myself far too many times to just let it slide. I'm not going to punish myself anymore, but I absolutely have the power to change. I don't have to commit from the get go, but I sure as heck need to start somewhere. Day by day and a little at a time is how I am going to reach my goal.
I might not make my final goal by my "re-wedding" day in March 2014, but I'm going to try and get there.
I'm starting the first cycle of the 17 day diet today. I'm not using it to lose weight fast, but to get myself back to a healthy eating pattern. If I can't commit to 17 days, then I am doing something wrong for sure. I know Halloween is next week and there will be a lot of temptations. I'm strong enough to know that I shouldn't over indulge and I'm going to try not to. I tried starting it last week and did ok the first half of the first day. Then we ate a crappy dinner of pizza. The 2nd day I did good too, and then we had chili dogs and I had turkey dogs. Even the 3rd day.. and then I had frozen lasagna. This ended me mid-week with the worst case of indigestion I have had i a long time. I felt like I had the flu for 3 days. I'm -still- weak and tired from being sick. I learned my lesson.
So again: Confrontation, Acceptance and The Power to Change.
The ability to confront what it bothering me, what I've done wrong and bad choices I make.
The ability to accept that it's going to happen, that I'm not perfect, and that I'm not the first person to do or go through any of that.
And mostly the ability and power to change all of those things, to learn from it, to fix it and to move on.
If I can follow through with these three things I will be absolutely fine.
In the last 10 years I have learned these things:
You have to move to be healthy. As someone with hip issues since childhood this should have occurred to me much sooner than it did. I'm now 27 and my weight has absolutely caught up to me in a bad way. I feel like I'm probably a good 20 - 30 years older.
You can track what you eat, but if you're not eating healthy what's the point really? I can eat a bag of doritos and a 2 liter of coke or a large combo meal from McDonalds and call it a day on calories.. if I want to starve. But what am I putting into my body? I read a study a couple years ago where a happy meal was purchased. They opened it up and set it on their table. Then they left it there for a month while photographing it frequently. At the end of the month it looked EXACTLY the same. If you made a burger at home it would have rotted. There are so many preservatives in fast food and processed foods that it typically has the inability to decay. Can you imagine how long it would take your body to fully process this and pass it? I may not have quit fast food, but I think about this every time I have it and it alters what I order.
Cardio.. strength training.. when you have a lot to lose you do what you can do. If you are moving you are moving and that is enough to make your body happy for now.
You're happier when you work out. I am a much nicer person and can handle a lot more when I have a routine and stick to it. When I give up or have it taken away from me, I can't handle my own husband and children let alone myself.
Everyone suffers when you suffer. This goes with the last one. If you're in a bad mood, you easily put everyone else in a different state of mind. You effect other people when you can't control yourself.
It takes a support system. You need a network of people you love and trust to help see you through and check in on you. It's like doing better in school, some times people lack the drive to do it for just themselves until they realize that's what matters most. In the mean time you need that person to say 'hey, you did a great job!' or 'You earned that A!' It feels good to know that other people see what you are doing in order to keep your spark growing.
You can't rely on other people to do the work for you. If you rely on other people to get you through the rough spots 100% you are bound to fail. Accept help when it's offered and don't be afraid to ask for it, but don't rely on other people to do what is your job to do. You can't expect other people to change just because you're ready to change.
A toxic environment is just that. You can dodge it all you want, but it's up to you to make your own world.