Sunday, October 23, 2011
So, I've decided 130 isn't in the cards for me - it's just too hard to maintain that weight with the life I've got going on now.
I'm working full-time at a childcare center, 4 10-hour days a week. That's a pretty long day after being used to working at home doing daycare. I think things are actually going well, but of course I've got the mommy guilt of feeling like I'm not able to give my all to my home-front anymore. It's tough letting go of the control I had of the household. I appreciate (and really need!) my kids' and husband's help, but some things aren't done the way I would like them done (or not done at all once in a while!), and then I feel bad thinking I'm asking too much of everyone. But we're a family and we all gotta pitch in to make this family work well together! For the most part, now that the girls' extra-curriculars are done especially, I think we're all getting used to the new Miller lifestyle.
That being said, I just don't have the time to workout at the intensity I was when I worked at home. I get a 1/2 hour lunch break, which I usually use to go for a walk, but it's not like the muscle- or heart-pumping workouts I used to do. I still try to do a high intensity DVD every morning, which means I gotta get up about 4 am to fit it in and still have that "down time" of email checking and food tracking and coffee drinking I like to have before I really get going for the day (my husband thinks this is a time-waster, but I've always felt a need for some time to myself each morning - I know some people roll outta bed and straight to work - my husband's one of those - but I've never done that! I feel "off" if I start my day that way). So I'm doing the best I can on the fitness front.
The eating thing is OK most of the time - I take a copy of the daycare's menu home (it's a 4 week rotating one) and track the food on my tracker, so I know exactly how much of each food I can/should eat. It's mostly healthy stuff, but not all of it's great. It's not like the huge salads I used to eat everyday for lunch - and we're supposed to eat the same stuff as the kids to set a good example. I could cheat and bring my own in, I suppose, it's toddlers I work with, so do they really care? But I'm cheap and it saves me money to eat what they provide, and if I wanted to do it the "right" way, I'd eat my lunch on my break instead of walk - but that exercise is so important to me.
The thing I really struggle with (and have regrets right now as I'm writing this) is weekend eating - or should I call it binge-eating? I start having cravings Thursday nights already, and by Friday night I'm slipping away. I eat a little more sweets than I should, drink a couple drinks, and on Sunday usually truly binge on sweets or junk food (today I ate fried chicken, removed the skin, with some creamy pasta salad, coleslaw, cheesy mashed potatoes, cheese curds, a dinner roll w/jelly, snacked on kettlecorn and rice cakes, cake and ice cream, had two bowls of potato soup and 3 or 4 garlic toasts, and even though I felt quite full, couldn't stop myself from downing a glass of milk with a handful of cookies.....I'm embarassed to even acknowledge I did this, and I do it every Sunday). I try to "make up" for it by skipping breakfast, another unhealthy weekend habit I have. I just wind up hating myself every Sunday night, and every Friday morning I tell myself NOT to repeat this bad behavior, and then I just do. I'm not sure what's going on in my head or how to change it.
Now, I've decided to put my healthy weight maintainance range between 132-141 pounds. For this lifestyle I'm leading, it's a lot more realistic. But a part of me fears that I'm letting myself go...and it'll just be a matter of time before I blow up to 180 again. Every Sunday night I think these bad thoughts about myself, telling myself how weak I am and how I'll never be able to keep my weight in check - that in just a few years or less I'll be that matronly chubby chick again. I feel like crying just writing about it. I really want to stay in this range - I used to think a size 10 would be the highest I'd want to go and that'd be OK (I'm around a 6 I think now), but really right now I feel like angry at myself if I can't keep it at a 6. Like I'm a loser if I get heavier.
I just don't know how to achieve a happy, healthy balance for myself. I guess I've only been working full-time for about 4 months, so I need to keep at it and take note for the next year, I think. After a year, then I'll be able to access what works and what doesn't, and depending on what happens with my wieght, I'll be able to tell what is my new "normal." I just hope it stays in this new range! I so badly want it to.