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    MACKIEFISMOM   40,171
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What I ate. . .


Sunday, October 23, 2011

100 Day Breaking Dawn Countdown "Team Bella Challenge"

I just have to say I've been dreading this blog. Yes, I helped make this challenge, but that doesn't mean I have it all figured out. Just the opposite, this is my biggest struggle.

What did I eat?? I'd really love to tell you about the wonderful orange I ate after my run today. It was juicy, sweet, and a healthy way to recharge after a long run. However, I think it will be more beneficial for me to tell you about the plethera of things I ate this week that I'd rather not think about:

The countless s'mores. Gooey, chocolatey, melted marshmallow, crispy graham cracker. Delicious. Makes me joyful. Alive, remembering the times we went camping, enjoying the fire and each other.

The cheese tortilla chips. Crispy, crunchy, salty, cheese dusted. Amazing. No feelings for this one, just yum. I was craving salty snacks and these just fit the bill.

The popcorn. Air popped, buttery, salty, crispy, crunchy, crackly. Yum. Makes me feel happy. Reminds me of good times with my family. Watching movies, relaxing, and laughing.

The ice cream. Cold, creamy, drizzled with chocolate, topped with marshmallow fluff. Wow. Makes me feel happy, alive, and like a kid.

The garlic bread. Crusty, fresh, toasty, warm, buttery, filling. Good. Makes me feel warm and safe.

None of those things are bad, but they all have a place and a time. I can choose to eat any of them, at any time, but in order for me to succeed and reach my goals I need to make them fit into my life. I need to find ways to feel those things without food. Warm, safe, happy, alive, loved, joyful. What strange things to associate with food. Our society lives and breathes food. Our lives revolve around food. For me it's a constant source of worry and fear.

Fear has me in its sights and I can feel the target on my back. I am afraid. Shaking in my boots. What if I can't lose any more? What if I reach my goal? What if I can't reach my goal? What if I fail? What if I succeed? What if I give up? What if I keep going? What if? What if? What if?

It's easy to listen to those voices. Those what ifs. You've probably heard the saying about not borrowing trouble from tomorrow because today has enough of its own. It's one thing say, but another to do. I can look back over the last 9 months and see huge changes in my life. For one thing I'm happier. Yeah, I still have down days, they are a part of life. Yeah, I don't always love my body or self. I do exercise consistently and run twice a week. YIKES, I RUN!!! When did that happen? I love the way it makes me feel and the sense of accomplishment. My first 5K race is in one week. I'm scared to death, but will I back out? Give up? NEVER!!!! I'm determined to run the whole thing in less than 35 minutes!! So why can't I make that change with my eating habits? Why can't I face them head on and conquer the "want" to eat? I don't *need* to eat, certainly not as much as I do, but I *want* to eat. Food sounds good, so I eat it. I hate this part of the journey. The inner struggle, but I'm sure in the end I will succeed and be a better woman, mom, wife, sister, daughter. . .me. A better me. That's what this whole journey is about. Making me better, the best ME I can be. I wish the answer was simple, easy. I know it won't be. I have to choose to start each day fresh, with renewed energy, to make me better. To make one good choice, then another. Day after day. Hour after hour. Minute after minute. I can't go back, I just can't. I need to finish what I started and follow this new path. It's healthy, strong, and where I need to be.

So, yeah, I eat lots of junk. I'm not perfect. I like everyone to think I am, but I'm not fooling anyone. Can't even fool myself. I hate the guilt of eating stuff I shouldn't. I wish it was easy, but it's not. I wish I could flip a switch and change, but I can't. I just have to keep fighting. Keep struggling. Keep succeeding. Celebrating the success, no matter how small. Remembering I am not perfect. Reminding myself it's ok that I'm not perfect. Not letting the bad days drag me down. Facing the what ifs, with a silly grin, and leaving the fear behind.

Finding ways to feel those things without food will be my goal this week, month, year, or however long it takes to change. Food can not make me feel safe or loved. It can not take away loneliness or fear. It can not ease stress. It is fuel. It is how my body has energy. Yes, it can be enjoyed and certainly fun, but it's primary reason for existance is to keep me alive. I won't let it kill me anymore. I'm a fighter and I'm not giving up.

Oh, and I'm celebrating my run today!! 3.18 miles in 32 minutes 13 seconds :) Yeah ME!!

So. . .What did you eat? How did it make you feel?
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LADYK57 10/30/2011 5:21PM

  Honey, I'm so proud of you; so proud of all the positive changes I've seen in you these past 9 months. I'm so glad you're imperfect like me. I can relate to you and love you for the real person you are! I 'should have' been at my goal by now, but I often chose to take a different path than the one defined by my journey. One thing is for sure - none of the other paths I took were shortcuts, and I always ended up coming back to the main road of my journey in order to progress toward my destination. Do I regret taking the sideroads? Sometimes. But sometimes I saw things (tasted things, felt things, learned things) that I wouldn't have otherwise. I have a fear that if I don't come back to the main road after exploring the sidepaths for a while, I will find myself back where I started. I think it's a healthy fear and one that I should keep. Where I started was full of physical pain and depression and self-loathing. God doesn't want me back there and I never want to go back. However, God and our families and our real friends will love us regardless of what size clothes we wear or what the number says on the scale, or whether or not we succeed or fail in the personal goals we set for ourselves. God wants us to live our lives in peace and joy and power - and not chained by fear. He has given you great strength (just look at all you've accomplished in the past 9 months!), and you've been a great source of encouragement to many people during your journey. Perhaps we need to spend more time rejoicing in the gifts of His grace and strength and less time feeding our fears.
I love you, sweetie. I hope someday I have the pleasure of giving you a great big hug.
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SOONASKINNYGIRL 10/24/2011 8:15PM

    You do sound like you have a TON of fears and my answer for that is God. Nothing to fear but the Lord! I repeat that over and over when I need to until it sinks in and I remember who He created me to be. Not an overeater. Not a person scared of worldly things.

Proud of you for writing this blog! You may not think so, but it's a HUGE step! And congrats on the running time too, super woman!! :)

You CAN do this. You can do anything.....through God! :)

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