Friday, October 21, 2011
Lately I've been struggling with choosing the healthy life. I seem to be constantly obsessed about food and calories. I'll eat really low calorie meals so that I can binge in the evenings on crap like cake mix. I've lost my center. I've lost my desire to make healthy choices in a responsible way. I keep telling myself that part of it is my new living arrangement with roommates, but there's more to it than that. I'm a stress eater, and want to indulge whenever there is something outside my control. It's unhealthy and I know it. I'm not quite sure how to handle these situations, and so I handle them with food.
Because I've been counting calories and doing the Weight Watchers thing, I've also become obsessed with tracking (right up until a binge hits and I chuck it all out this window). Because of this, I'm constantly obsessing about how many points I have left in a day and how much food I can cram in for that number of points. It's pathetic really. I don't eat when I'm hungry, I eat pretty much all the time. Lots of it may be fruit and veg, but lots of it is sugary crap or artificial sugars. It makes me feel sluggish and gross. When I had an office job, I just kept myself on a food schedule. But now that my schedule changes from day to day, I've been having a hard time keeping on track.
Now I make a commitment to myself to take myself seariously. It doesn't matter if the scale reads a steady weight if I'm not eating in a way that's good for me and if I can't maintain a healthy mindset about food. Food is not the be all and end all. I need a chant to that effect. It's 6:48am. It's time to reset, as I've done so many times before. No more crap. I don't want it. I want to be healthy in a truly healthy way. After all, life isn't about the amount of food we consume, but the moments that make up our days and the people we share our lives with. This life starts now. It ends when I die. It's a journey, and I want to take steps forward. Please God help me. I can't do this on my own.