I've been gone awhile getting biopsies and thinking ... and thinking some more.
It's always something. Life changes in an instant.
First off, my news is not terrible .... perhaps not what I would have wished for, but I really believe that God has a reason for all of what is happening.
After everything was said and done it came down to this .... I MIGHT have cancer.
For sure my aggressive form of lymphoma is not back. I have what appears to be a low grade form of lymphoma but there were not enough cells present to be definitive. The pathologist recommended another biopsy where they would surgically remove a lymph node.
My oncologist decided not to have the lymph node surgically removed and re-biopsied because he said it might cause me permanent nerve damage in my shoulder and if it is a low grade lymphoma they would not do any treatment until they needed to. And that could be years away ... if ever (I'm stretching this here!).
So the plan is this ... do nothing. Or, as Dr Baby Blue Eyes said "Get out of my office and get on with your life" ... or something like that. I still have CT scans at regular intervals and we will watch and wait.
It was a difficult couple of weeks. My mind was all over the place.
The take away lesson to me is this ... I control very little in life. I always thought I could control more. If only I was more disciplined, focused ... or whatever.
I only control my reaction to events. It's a hard lesson to learn but it brings freedom.
I gotta tell ya, when I first heard that my cancer was back (incorrectly, by the way), I almost got physically sick. I wondered how I was going to get through it again. I wondered if I would get through it. I remembered the physical pain. I spent a lot of time alone, curled up, just thinking.
After a day or two, I re-emerged. Stronger. Ready to do what I would have to do. Not because I wanted to, but because I was ready. Empowered. I've never felt the need to kick cancer's @ss or whatever.
All I have ever wanted to do was live. And for the record, it doesn't look like I'm going anywhere, anytime soon! I have plenty of living in my future!
It's time for me to get back to the basics.
I don't know why I get so much help getting through life. But I do! People come out of nowhere. Smiles and encouragement are everywhere.
It's time for me to get more active in saying thanks. Time to pass out a little more peace, hope, compassion, understanding, etc.
I went to my internal medicine doctor earlier this week. He said I have the most amazing attitude. He asked how could I be so happy after being told I have cancer?
I don't know why.
I do know this. I'm NOT going to get through whatever happens, being dragged kicking and screaming.
I'm jumping in feet first.
I know God has a clue, and I know I don't. That issue was resolved last time I was sick.
I know that I REMEMBERED all the things I learned while I was sick. When I remembered, I became happy. I can't explain it. I have never felt so loved before.
I know that whatever lies ahead will teach me more about life and about me and how I relate to the world.
I know I'm lucky!
Physically, I'm feeling fine! Apparently all that healthy eating and biking are paying off!
The nicest place to be is in someone's thoughts, the safest place to be is in someone's prayers.
Thanks so much for allowing me to be in both places the past few weeks! May God bless you all abundantly!