In a word, I have been struggling of late. I surprised a few people when I dropped my team leadership positions and I am really sorry for the sudden no notice departures. I really have not wanted to blog about this but I feel it is time and I guess I shouldnt care about what sort of reaction i get, Im human, no apologies needed.
I have felt totally flat since about a month before the marathon so it isnt so much post marathon blues as it is that I think Im running out of gas or something like that. Even something as simple as leading a Sparkteam, which frankly didnt demand that much, felt like a crushing burden.
I dont know why. I just felt like I couldnt do it anymore.
I havent lost my desire to work out although I have been pretty frustrated lately at my inconsistancy and I feel like I am constantly kept off balance by my work demands etc.... but that is just the way it is, life does not have a reset button or a brake pedal. Either roll with it or get run over.
In alot of ways, i feel really drained and dont have very much to offer anyone in terms of support or encouragement.
The Half Marathon team was my first love and to leave it did not make me feel good. I sometimes wonder if I made the right choice. they are such a great bunch. i love 'em dearly. Feels like family.
Frankly, I dont know what I am going to do with myself. For right now, the only answer I have is to keep going and stay the course and hopefully my feelings will catch up. I need to get in touch with my inner Spark-Warrior.
The biggest challenge is yet ahead of me.
I need to lose weight (gasp) (big surprised look on everyones faces)
For the last year and a half, I have pushed my limits. I have found them and can go no further. My weight stands in my way like a brick wall. I feel like an Ironman trapped inside a marshmallow body. I have some serious mental blocks about losing weight since I have lost almost no weight during my distance training, whereas before, it used to almost fall off.
Maybe I feel that I wont get anywhere, deep down like I am going to fail. I never thought I would see the day that I would be so fit (for my weight) that I can say.."well, its ONLY a half marathon" as if I was just going out for a jog or something. So fit, that I could take on a marathon and succeed but yet losing 10 pounds or even a pound seems so impossible.
Its all mental, thats all but still, perception is reality.
I really need a scale victory to get the ball rolling.
On another note, I bought an indoor cycle trainer that I can hook up to my bike and get some riding done during the winter months.. I got a Cycleops Magneto trainer. Between that and learning to swim, I have the challenges to keep me occupied this winter.