Monday, October 17, 2011
i have been really depressed lately. i know why part of the problem is, but not sure how to control how i am feeling. Yesterday at church, i finally broke down and honestly afterwards felt like crud, but after that and an aftenroon of mostly relaxation, i feel somewhat better. Decided this morning that perhaps writing out some of these feelings will continue to aid in my 'recovery'.
It started yesterday during church when we were singing 'Jesus Loves Me'. There, surrounded by all the kids that i teach, i started to cry as these children started signing the chorus. This is special because i am the one who taught them all to sign this song. Why did it make me cry? Because my mom is the one who taught me to sign this song. It's been a year since my mom left for Missouri and i miss her more and more each passing day.
Then, directly after that was the baptism & adoption celebration of a wonderful guy who has adopted two very special little girls. It's been a long time coming for him to have these two girls and i am awesomely happy for him and the girl that chose to have him as their daddy, but that is where i broke down. In the past 6 years, i have attended quite a few of these baptism and/or adoption celebrations but only as an observer. My brain was flooded with the 'What is so wrong with me that God will not bless me with my own child to take care of? Why must i be charged to care for everyone else's child but none of my own personally?' I have wonderful children in my life, but at the end of the day they go home to their own mothers/fathers and i'm out of their lives for hours/days until i see them again. i know it sounds selfish since i am constantly surrounded by children but they aren't my children.
Then there is the feeling of being but not belonging. i am at church, home & work, but i don't feel like i belong anywhere. Things that i used to do have been taken away from me to do - more out of ease of convenience and i'm not complaining about having less things to do, but these are my jobs and much like a two year old what is mine is mine and i want it. This feeling of being but not belonging is the hardest hurdle that i need to get over. i know that i am here for a reason... i know that God has a plan... i know that it will be revealed and much like my youth group leader taught when i was growing up the answers are always Yes, No & *big deep voice* WAIT! i guess right now, i am just in the 'WAIT' line...