Sunday, October 16, 2011
I think my blog isn't conveying the message I had intended it to do. Maybe I can clarify a couple of things. This blog isn't meant to be a depressive blog. It is meant to show you that even though we have really horrible days, that there remains hope, in children's faces, in the colors of the world, in my friends here at Spark People and most importantly hope remains in ME!
A year ago I would have let that train steam roll over me, but I heard the Angel ( yes, a whisper to my ear by God, this I am sure of) ..my own voice say to me how crazy it was to lose my life when I had those beautiful children waiting at home.
One year ago September..my birthday
A year ago I lost Derek. He was a young man of 21, a child that I thought of my very own. No, he wasn't my flesh or my blood, but he was mine in my heart. He died tragically, but a HERO to all who knew him. He died saving another young mans life when he jumped in the water...(hurricane storms) to help him to safety when the waves of the ocean took his life. He left behind him a child of less than a year old. A year ago, I would have given my life for his and still would today. I love him and I miss him with every part of my heart!!!!
I lost my cousin, who shot and killed himself. A few weeks before that I found out that my mother and cousin wouldn't live out this year.
All of this brought up a painful past..the death of my own daughter, Ashely. She and my dear Derek would have been the same age. A young adult. I don't think I properly mourned her at the time, trying to be strong. I miss her, missed her life that would have been and mourn the loss I never fully grieved.
It all hit me at once, plus a few things I can't share. But, even with all of this...some of the saddest moments in my life. I still have HOPE! I am cleaning through my mind and taking my body on a new journey towards healthy and happy.
You can too! God bless all of you! Kristin
My voice of reason escaped me. I felt the vibration underneath me, heard the howling of the whistle and closed my eyes so I wouldn't feel the pain inside of me. It was there in that darkness my life seemed to be playing out in front of me, not a flash as others have talked about, more like a movie in slow motion. except the movie was over in a few fleeting moments.
Breath, let it all out!
I heard a whisper, or was it my inner voice?
My eyes that so greedily fell shut in desperate need to close out the world, flew open and I turned to see the approaching chug of a driving force that intending to devour me whole.
In the smallness of my rear view mirror, I watched as the wheels of movement rolled past steadfast and furious trying to meet its' deadline.
I'm numb, maybe in shock, I don't know. What was I thinking? Was I thinking?
Breath, let it all out!
Turn around, go back.
As I approached the rusty rails of the beaten down track, my cheeks stained with tears of life, I could no longer drive. I stopped in the middle of the road, cradled my head in my tired hands and cried like I would never be allowed to cry again. My eyes were blurry, but my mind focused.
I looked up to see people in other cars, idle, watching me cry a stream of enlightenment. I waved them on with the flick of my wrist and a shy grin assuring them I was indeed alright. I drove a few hundred feet before I pulled my old beat up Cougar
over into an abandoned parking lot and hung my head again and cried myself all out of tears and misery.
Breath, let it all out!
The message was vivid beyond belief. How in the world did I miss it? Why did I challenge it?
Friends. many times I have shared with you my life, my dreams and my accomplishments, but I often hide the painful truths inside, but do not be offended, as I, find myself hiding those very truths from myself. A wise counselor once told me that I shelve the pain as if clothes in a drawer, but that one day, I would have to open those drawers and face the truths.
I have hinted to you before that with each pound of weight I take off of my overtired and abused body, that I have to deal with baggage that goes along with it. What I didn't say was this; each time a pound melts away, a new drawer is opened and what was once hidden comes back to haunt me. Facing demons of the past is creating havoc in my night as I struggle to sleep only to be tortured with the fears and hurts I have shelved since I was a mere girl of four.
Relax and breath friends, I am not going to publicly air all my dirty shelved laundry now. Those are for me to clean through.
Breath Kristin, let it all out!
I am going to share the Whisper of an Angel and the strength and pull of the Spark People Family.
As the movie played in my head, I didn't hear the deafening sound of the train whistle barreling towards me, pleading with me to get my Mercury off the railroad. I heard the voice of an Angel saying to me, "You will never see your children's faces again Kristin." As If my car was on auto pilot, it slid from a standstill to the safety of the over sun drenched cracked pavement in front of me.
When I pulled over to cry, I pulled over to pray and plead with God. Please, please, God, I can't do this alone anymore. Again, a whisper came. "Kristin, go home, breath it all IN!"
Breath it in? Why in? What happened to out?
( The message was vivid beyond belief. How in the world did I miss it? Why did I challenge it? )
I passed by an old man on an even older John Deere, the fragrance of my favorite scent in the world gushed through my senses ahhhh freshly cut green grass. Delightful. Breath it all in Kristin.
One street down, the trees so rich in colors of red and oranges and the wind of a fall day blows past me blowing the falling beauties with every intent on doing their duty by gracing the earth with their loveliness.
Home, the door swings wide, my eldest son steps out waving and smiling as if he is seeing a long lost friend. "Mom, where were you? I was worried about you, you've been gone so long" I check the time, just over an hour.
Breath in Kristin, how good does it feel to be loved so unconditionally and be able to see that beautiful smile?
A pull from Spark People.
But, I want to do this on my own. I already told them I was leaving.
Whisper from an Angel : "Read Kristin, go to Spark and simply read."
Hundreds of messages...emails, goodies, comments and my personal email overflowing. OMG! Is this possible? Did Spark People make a mistake with the mail?
I couldn't believe the words I read. I couldn't believe the love I felt. How is it Spark People continues to keep pulling me back from the brings of falling off the edge?
I can only share a few here, but I want to THANK EACH AND EVERY FRIEND/FAMILY OF SPARK FOR SHOWING THE LOVE AND PULLING ME BACK TO A PLACE I NEED TO BE. There is so many more people I should thank here....each of you are so incredible...wow!
read your status about leaving and i posted a comment now im back to say that i just can't stop thinking of you. I'm not sure whats going on but i will be praying for you. I know in your heart that you know your journey is not over and if you leave sparkpeople that you will continue to fight. I am so incredibly inspired and i can't believe that i have met such an amazing person and think that only GOD could have brought us together...you have been a remarkable inspiration in my life but i understand that just as any journey there are a few steps that you must make alone
i want you to know that you've already made an impact on me. i'll continue to re-read your blogs even if you do decide to leave for good. i'm hoping this is all just temporary and that everything is okay.
-but I DO KNOW YOU ARE MY FRIEND---and that we share ALOT in common and I am VERY CONCERNED FOR YOU!!!!!!! Please do not let ANYTHING ROB YOU OF WHAT YOU HAVE HAD HERE---AND WHAT YOU HAVE IN YOURSELF, DEARHEART!!!!!!!
.I will hold you in my prayers, I hope you don't leave you are such an inspiration to many others....I am her if you want to talk.
That being said, your journey is very inspirational to so many here, myself included. But, it's not just your weight loss that is inspirational, but your friendship and kindness that is important to me.
NEVER give up, NEVER give in!!! We are here for you!
I'm sensing a theme here. Person after person holding their breaths hoping you are OK and will stay among us. You have given us hope and encouragement and we are desperate to keep you in our presence. Please be healthy, make good decisions, surround yourself with the love of your children and continue the journey with us.
I hope you're staying with us - as obviously, so many others do, too. Here we truly care about you. We've never met, but we have connected. It's good to stay connected, whatever the issue. We all need each other. More, if there are issues than when there aren't any. We love you.
I only started to "know" you a week or two ago, but it has been inspiring and thought provoking to read your blogs. I am worried about you too. Don't give up, and don't forget that you always have friends here who care about you, just as you showed your concern for us all.
Please don't stop writting.. You never gave up on me Kristin.. Please stay, no matter what..
You may not understand why these words from my friends made such an impact on me and that is alright. It is for me to know and to feel and breath in.
Spark People PULLED me off the edge when I thought I was going under.
My thoughts were when I posted that I was leaving Spark People
And here is the shocker
* Fear of Success!
Yes, you read right. I am afraid to be successful? What? I know that might sound crazy, but that is my truth that I hid from myself.
I have a new blog beyond this one. I promise to post it, if you promise to not laugh at me, BUT WITH ME!
I am doing SUPER FINE! I have worked through my fear of success and I am coming back with a vengeance. I may have days like this, or weeks..I never know when my depression will try to over ride me, but when I do, I pray that SPARK PEOPLE will always be able to talk me down off the ledge before I actually jump and that the Angel that so loving wrapped me in her arms and took me back to safety will never give up on me.
Thank you Spark People for showing me that doing this alone is ridiculous and that I have a family right here that loves me unconditionally too!
I love you all very much!
May an Angel bless you today!