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    WILDFIREKRISTIN   4,872
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A REPOSTING with an added remark, Spark People PULLED me off the edge & an Angel's whisper

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Sunday, October 16, 2011

I think my blog isn't conveying the message I had intended it to do. Maybe I can clarify a couple of things. This blog isn't meant to be a depressive blog. It is meant to show you that even though we have really horrible days, that there remains hope, in children's faces, in the colors of the world, in my friends here at Spark People and most importantly hope remains in ME!

A year ago I would have let that train steam roll over me, but I heard the Angel ( yes, a whisper to my ear by God, this I am sure of) ..my own voice say to me how crazy it was to lose my life when I had those beautiful children waiting at home.

One year ago September..my birthday

A year ago I lost Derek. He was a young man of 21, a child that I thought of my very own. No, he wasn't my flesh or my blood, but he was mine in my heart. He died tragically, but a HERO to all who knew him. He died saving another young mans life when he jumped in the water...(hurricane storms) to help him to safety when the waves of the ocean took his life. He left behind him a child of less than a year old. A year ago, I would have given my life for his and still would today. I love him and I miss him with every part of my heart!!!!

Septemeber 2011

I lost my cousin, who shot and killed himself. A few weeks before that I found out that my mother and cousin wouldn't live out this year.

All of this brought up a painful past..the death of my own daughter, Ashely. She and my dear Derek would have been the same age. A young adult. I don't think I properly mourned her at the time, trying to be strong. I miss her, missed her life that would have been and mourn the loss I never fully grieved.

It all hit me at once, plus a few things I can't share. But, even with all of this...some of the saddest moments in my life. I still have HOPE! I am cleaning through my mind and taking my body on a new journey towards healthy and happy.

You can too! God bless all of you! Kristin



My voice of reason escaped me. I felt the vibration underneath me, heard the howling of the whistle and closed my eyes so I wouldn't feel the pain inside of me. It was there in that darkness my life seemed to be playing out in front of me, not a flash as others have talked about, more like a movie in slow motion. except the movie was over in a few fleeting moments.

Breath, let it all out!

I heard a whisper, or was it my inner voice?

My eyes that so greedily fell shut in desperate need to close out the world, flew open and I turned to see the approaching chug of a driving force that intending to devour me whole.

Move!

In the smallness of my rear view mirror, I watched as the wheels of movement rolled past steadfast and furious trying to meet its' deadline.

I'm numb, maybe in shock, I don't know. What was I thinking? Was I thinking?

Breath, let it all out!

Turn around, go back.

As I approached the rusty rails of the beaten down track, my cheeks stained with tears of life, I could no longer drive. I stopped in the middle of the road, cradled my head in my tired hands and cried like I would never be allowed to cry again. My eyes were blurry, but my mind focused.

I looked up to see people in other cars, idle, watching me cry a stream of enlightenment. I waved them on with the flick of my wrist and a shy grin assuring them I was indeed alright. I drove a few hundred feet before I pulled my old beat up Cougar
over into an abandoned parking lot and hung my head again and cried myself all out of tears and misery.

Breath, let it all out!

The message was vivid beyond belief. How in the world did I miss it? Why did I challenge it?

Friends. many times I have shared with you my life, my dreams and my accomplishments, but I often hide the painful truths inside, but do not be offended, as I, find myself hiding those very truths from myself. A wise counselor once told me that I shelve the pain as if clothes in a drawer, but that one day, I would have to open those drawers and face the truths.

I have hinted to you before that with each pound of weight I take off of my overtired and abused body, that I have to deal with baggage that goes along with it. What I didn't say was this; each time a pound melts away, a new drawer is opened and what was once hidden comes back to haunt me. Facing demons of the past is creating havoc in my night as I struggle to sleep only to be tortured with the fears and hurts I have shelved since I was a mere girl of four.

Relax and breath friends, I am not going to publicly air all my dirty shelved laundry now. Those are for me to clean through.

Breath Kristin, let it all out!

I am going to share the Whisper of an Angel and the strength and pull of the Spark People Family.

As the movie played in my head, I didn't hear the deafening sound of the train whistle barreling towards me, pleading with me to get my Mercury off the railroad. I heard the voice of an Angel saying to me, "You will never see your children's faces again Kristin." As If my car was on auto pilot, it slid from a standstill to the safety of the over sun drenched cracked pavement in front of me.

When I pulled over to cry, I pulled over to pray and plead with God. Please, please, God, I can't do this alone anymore. Again, a whisper came. "Kristin, go home, breath it all IN!"

Breath it in? Why in? What happened to out?

( The message was vivid beyond belief. How in the world did I miss it? Why did I challenge it? )

I passed by an old man on an even older John Deere, the fragrance of my favorite scent in the world gushed through my senses ahhhh freshly cut green grass. Delightful. Breath it all in Kristin.

One street down, the trees so rich in colors of red and oranges and the wind of a fall day blows past me blowing the falling beauties with every intent on doing their duty by gracing the earth with their loveliness.

Home, the door swings wide, my eldest son steps out waving and smiling as if he is seeing a long lost friend. "Mom, where were you? I was worried about you, you've been gone so long" I check the time, just over an hour.

Breath in Kristin, how good does it feel to be loved so unconditionally and be able to see that beautiful smile?

A pull from Spark People.

But, I want to do this on my own. I already told them I was leaving.

Whisper from an Angel : "Read Kristin, go to Spark and simply read."

Hundreds of messages...emails, goodies, comments and my personal email overflowing. OMG! Is this possible? Did Spark People make a mistake with the mail?

I couldn't believe the words I read. I couldn't believe the love I felt. How is it Spark People continues to keep pulling me back from the brings of falling off the edge?

I can only share a few here, but I want to THANK EACH AND EVERY FRIEND/FAMILY OF SPARK FOR SHOWING THE LOVE AND PULLING ME BACK TO A PLACE I NEED TO BE. There is so many more people I should thank here....each of you are so incredible...wow!

SPARKSHELL11:
read your status about leaving and i posted a comment now im back to say that i just can't stop thinking of you. I'm not sure whats going on but i will be praying for you. I know in your heart that you know your journey is not over and if you leave sparkpeople that you will continue to fight. I am so incredibly inspired and i can't believe that i have met such an amazing person and think that only GOD could have brought us together...you have been a remarkable inspiration in my life but i understand that just as any journey there are a few steps that you must make alone

LIZZABTH1986:

i want you to know that you've already made an impact on me. i'll continue to re-read your blogs even if you do decide to leave for good. i'm hoping this is all just temporary and that everything is okay.

SHERRY528:

-but I DO KNOW YOU ARE MY FRIEND---and that we share ALOT in common and I am VERY CONCERNED FOR YOU!!!!!!! Please do not let ANYTHING ROB YOU OF WHAT YOU HAVE HAD HERE---AND WHAT YOU HAVE IN YOURSELF, DEARHEART!!!!!!!

PEARL-LADY:

.I will hold you in my prayers, I hope you don't leave you are such an inspiration to many others....I am her if you want to talk.

LOSING4LISH:

That being said, your journey is very inspirational to so many here, myself included. But, it's not just your weight loss that is inspirational, but your friendship and kindness that is important to me.

ABAZOODAY727:

NEVER give up, NEVER give in!!! We are here for you!

ROCHELLE62

I'm sensing a theme here. Person after person holding their breaths hoping you are OK and will stay among us. You have given us hope and encouragement and we are desperate to keep you in our presence. Please be healthy, make good decisions, surround yourself with the love of your children and continue the journey with us.

MI-ELLKAYBEE

I hope you're staying with us - as obviously, so many others do, too. Here we truly care about you. We've never met, but we have connected. It's good to stay connected, whatever the issue. We all need each other. More, if there are issues than when there aren't any. We love you.

DOODLELU
I only started to "know" you a week or two ago, but it has been inspiring and thought provoking to read your blogs. I am worried about you too. Don't give up, and don't forget that you always have friends here who care about you, just as you showed your concern for us all.

REDSHOES2011

Please don't stop writting.. You never gave up on me Kristin.. Please stay, no matter what..
xx


You may not understand why these words from my friends made such an impact on me and that is alright. It is for me to know and to feel and breath in.

Spark People PULLED me off the edge when I thought I was going under.

My thoughts were when I posted that I was leaving Spark People

* Overwhelmed

* Hopeless

* Scared

And here is the shocker

* Fear of Success!

Yes, you read right. I am afraid to be successful? What? I know that might sound crazy, but that is my truth that I hid from myself.

UPDATE!!!!

I have a new blog beyond this one. I promise to post it, if you promise to not laugh at me, BUT WITH ME!

I am doing SUPER FINE! I have worked through my fear of success and I am coming back with a vengeance. I may have days like this, or weeks..I never know when my depression will try to over ride me, but when I do, I pray that SPARK PEOPLE will always be able to talk me down off the ledge before I actually jump and that the Angel that so loving wrapped me in her arms and took me back to safety will never give up on me.

Thank you Spark People for showing me that doing this alone is ridiculous and that I have a family right here that loves me unconditionally too!

I love you all very much!

May an Angel bless you today!

Kristin
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WENDYMIDWIFE 11/30/2011 3:26PM

    You are a wonderful writer! Do you write often...if not, do it! You have a GIFT! I hear a very strong woman in your blogs...You know what, our lives are all about "our story". It's not about "having it all" or "making it" or "arriving first." It's about 1) WHOSE we are (it sounds like you are well aware of your status as a child of GOD) 2) and who we become through our response to trials. Please don't stop telling your story. I love how you're not afraid to share the hurts and disappointments. That's how you connect to so many people...Please don't quit sharing your journey!

Wendy emoticon

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WENDYMIDWIFE 11/30/2011 3:25PM

    You are a wonderful writer! Do you write often...if not, do it! You have a GIFT! I hear a very strong woman in your blogs...You know what, our lives are all about "our story". It's not about "having it all" or "making it" or "arriving first." It's about 1) WHOSE we are (it sounds like you are well aware of your status as a child of GOD) 2) and who we become through our response to trials. Please don't stop telling your story. I love how you're not afraid to share the hurts and disappointments. That's how you connect to so many people...Please don't quit sharing your journey!

Wendy emoticon

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KELLYBEANER77 10/28/2011 10:30PM

    An interesting read here...I actually felt like I was living it with you...wow!

I had an unle who did leave this world, by his choice, as a result of depression and anxiety...and it runs rampant in my family...my son, now 14,has been through therapy for anxiety that was rated as moderate to severe...in fact, they thought he had adhd but it was actually his anxiety that was causing all the symptoms of adhd...I learned a lot when sitting in on his therapy and it has helped me with my own life...I do everything I can to stay positive and not let my anxieties over take me...vanilla candles, self talk, reading,B vitamins(ironically, my recent blood work came back showing I was high in B12...imagine that!)...

I was a single mom for 10 years and raised my boys...now, 14, 16, and 18...I remarried over a year ago and sometimes I struggle with wanting to be alone...totally...free of everyone...in the end, I realize that this is not what I really want...rather it is my attitude and perception of things in my life that make me feel this way...I slowly make my way back to the REAL world and I am good for awhile(very unpredictable time) and then I go through it again...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us :)


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Kelly

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KIMI_SILVA 10/27/2011 9:32AM

    Isn't God's Love amazing? That's what this is all about: that God loves us so much He puts others in our lives to act as His hands, feet, eyes, ears, mouth, and most especially His heart. You write beautifully. Thank you so much for sharing this. God bless you!

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IMNOTSTOPPIN 10/26/2011 8:29PM

    Well, just read your blog today and you made your pain so imaginable but you made what you were breathing in so tangible. Keep taking in the wonderful breaths of life and love.

Here's a quote I would like to share with you: The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.

You are precious Wild Fire Kristin!


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TINNATEE 10/26/2011 4:47PM

    I have been out of touch for a while.... checking on you and read this! I am so glad you are back. I hope things are going better for you and that you are going to stay. When you are depressed - it's so easy to close yourself off from everyone and everything. the stuff that goes through your head (I call it devil talk) makes things even worse so that you feel all alone. I am thankful for that angel whispering in your ear - keep the good thoughts in and know that we care and love you.

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SRVFREAK176 10/26/2011 2:06PM

    YOUR CHOICE TO COME BACK WAS AMAZING! WOW! YOU JUST KICKED ME IN MY PANTS! THANKS FOR THE EXTRA PUSH TO KEEP GOING ON MY JOURNEY: FAITH, WEIGHT LOSS, FRIENDSHIPS, FAMILY! I CAN HEAR YOUR VOICE...SAYING WHAT YOU HEARD! BREATHE IN!!! I DONT DO THAT ENOUGH, THANKS FOR SHARING! I THINK THAT WILL BE MY NEW MOTTO: BREATHE IN! POWERFUL!

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PATTYGRAY 10/25/2011 4:49PM

    Love your insight and your heart!

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 10/25/2011 1:27PM

    I am so glad you came back!

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PEARL-LADY 10/24/2011 5:24AM

    had to come back and read this again.....so glad you are back!

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MANILUS 10/23/2011 9:13PM

    Congratulations on your revelations and success! Your kids are lucky to have you.

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SANDRA2BSLIM 10/23/2011 9:43AM

    Great blog love it emoticon

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CTUPTON 10/22/2011 8:47PM

    We are so thankful for SP. emoticon

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LADYGSC 10/21/2011 1:09PM

    Wonderful blog! I thought I was going through! May God richly bless you and keep you in His loving arms. Be blessed and not stressed and keep on sparking!!!

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JENNSWIMS 10/20/2011 7:05PM

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts with all of us. I'm so glad to know you in this small way.

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SUSIEPH1 10/20/2011 7:34AM

    Kristin my friend I so admire your attitude my love!!
You are truely one of us !!

Hugs and Love !!
Susie emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LOSINGITALL4ME 10/19/2011 8:22PM

    Great blog! Thanks for sharing!

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TUBJUMPER 10/19/2011 7:38PM

    emoticon

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JAGRIF 10/19/2011 3:31PM

    emoticon

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BETTYVAZQUEZ 10/19/2011 1:42PM

  Important Warning for Women Everywhere!!

New attention is finally being drawn to the issue of unsafe chemicals in certain anti-aging makeup brands after a recent test done by FDA. The test has revealed toxic levels of LEAD and UNSAFE CHEMICALS in those makeups may cause serious health problems! Lead Levels Over Legal Limits Were Found in Lipsticks, Mascaras and Eye Shadows made by top selling brands. Lead causes health and birth defects in pregnant women...

Some anti-aging products also may contain dangerous levels of a sodium compound implicated in, miscarriage, sexual dysfunction and many more!

An urgent warning to all women to read this report particularly if you are pregnant! It will tell you how to choose anti-aging products instead of wasting your money on those products that won't work!

Here is the link to the report: http://ow.ly/6ZK7f

As seen on NBC NEWS!!!
Please spread the warning!!!


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~INDYGIRL 10/19/2011 12:30PM

    Thank God for YOU! We need you!

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WELSTEACH 10/19/2011 11:19AM

    Pain is expunged in lots of different ways. I am glad God spoke to you through all of the angels here on Sparkpeople. Romans 8:28 is a verse I come back to over and over again during the pain of life. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

I understand pain. I haven't lost a child, or a dear one in many years, but the loss of my mother was almost like the loss of my identity. God saw me through. But I had to give him time. I am glad you are giving him time.

My prayers for healing are coming your way. God hears. He sees. He knows, He has felt the pain and loss of a son.




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RUN_BAKE_BLOG 10/19/2011 11:10AM

    A whisper can scream louder than we ever imagined. Keep listening and keep sharing, you are a kind heart and strong soul...
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BRAVEHEART4ME 10/19/2011 10:45AM

  I'm glad you're feeling better. You're a very strong person that has endured so much. Stay strong, you're in my thoughts. emoticon

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PAWSINAZ 10/19/2011 10:28AM

    Your blogs are great. I got it right away....I lost my parents less than 3 months apart. It took a while before I saw the world that way it was before my parents passed. One day I heard the angel too. emoticon

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LAURIE-RN 10/19/2011 9:00AM

    Kristin, your blog brought me to tears. I am so thankful that you heard the whisper. I am so thankful that you came back to see the support and caring that people have for you here.

Laurie emoticon emoticon

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PATTILYNN224 10/19/2011 8:42AM

    Fear of Success. That is what I am battling right now. What will be left if I succeed? I don't understand it and I don't know the answers. But thank you for those words - Fear of Success. I know I'm not alone.

And if you have any words of wisdom, they'd be much appreciated.

Thanks for writing this blog.

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ANGELOO29 10/19/2011 7:59AM

    emoticon

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LISADC42 10/19/2011 6:52AM

    Wising you all the best. emoticon

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THEIS58 10/19/2011 4:23AM

    All the best to you! emoticon

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DWILCZKO 10/19/2011 12:54AM

  wishing u the best!

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BIRKIE528 10/18/2011 6:04PM

    SOO glad that you are back! emoticon

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ABAZOODAY727 10/18/2011 3:31PM

    I am so happy you are back. I have been worried about you. I usually don't post on people's blogs BUT that day I felt I had to say something. I felt your words in my heart. I felt your pain and fear. I worried about you. I have never met you before in my life BUT something led me to you. You have something sister. A light in your soul. A light that will help others in your situation. Don't put out that light...SHINE IT!!! SHOW IT!!! GIVE IT!! You are someone to be loved. YOU ARE WORTHY!! Glad to see you are back.
P.S. I feel touched that you included my words. NEVER GIVE UP! Write anytime. I am here. emoticon

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CINDHOLM 10/18/2011 3:23PM

    WOW!! HUGS my Friend emoticon

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MI-ELLKAYBEE 10/18/2011 11:06AM

    Oh, I am SO moved that you included my words among those many, many profound thoughts that you found helpful. This is no longer just about gaining and losing weight, it is not even about learning to eat and act healthier for ourselves - although that is why we came to SparkPeople. This is about finding that we have the ability to truly reach out and touch someone. I have never had that feeling before - except, of course, for my parents and my husband. I never thought that what I said could make a difference in someone's LIFE. Oh, I've made a lot of difference in other peoples' wealth through my work efforts. But if I didn't do my job, someone else would have, so did I really matter? I've worked for causes - but never alone. Someone would have made sure the goal was met. But YOU - you are a real person, a beautiful person - a person who was reaching out for "something" - and maybe, just maybe, I touched a chord without knowing it would matter but, apparently it did. You gave me a gift I have never enjoyed before. I'll never forget this - and I will always be here for you. Much love, Leah.

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VANYELMOON 10/18/2011 10:20AM

    Welcome back! Thank you for sharing your story. I think we all go through a time where we just want the world to disappear, but God steps in and puts us straight. We are all here for you, though thick and thin.

Tammy

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PEARL-LADY 10/18/2011 9:33AM

    So good to have you back...it's good to share that / when we have those dark moments-all of us have them to various degrees.... glad we helped 'hold' you together and look forward to seeing more of your blogs and how well you are doing on your journey!
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WORKINGSTIFF 10/18/2011 9:24AM

    Wow. How powerful your words are...thank you for sharing the gift of you with all of us.

Yes, we must breathe out and breathe in. We cannot be afraid TO FEEL.

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JSCOTT86 10/18/2011 9:03AM

  I'm so glad you decided to stay. You have been an amazing encouragment for me to continue working hard. I know life is hard, but SP definitely makes it a little nicer!

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MUPPETB 10/18/2011 2:53AM

    When you said you were leaving, I read the posts and mourned the loss of someone I wanted to get to know. I had hoped you would change your mind. Yea for me that you are staying! LOL. I don't have many Sparkfriends yet as I am just getting started so I watch the friend feed.... there you are, day after day with encouraging thoughts for everyone joining Spark and those coming to bumps in the road. I should have posted my thoughts earlier and shame on me for keeping them to myself. You are truly a Spark and I wonder if you really understand the impact you make on all of those just starting the journey to a healthier self. Thank you for stopping by my blog and being my friend. I will be there for you as well.

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JANIEWWJD 10/18/2011 12:25AM

    No my friend, you are never alone. May our good Lord watch over you and bless you every day of your life.
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DETERMINED_SOUL 10/17/2011 8:23PM

    You are definitely not alone. I, too, have worked and am still working to overcome many fears one of which is success. I am so happy to hear that you are back because you make quite an impact on me. This story is moving and I am glad you shared it, look at the huge step you just took. You can do this and I am here in your corner cheering you on.

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BETTERHEALTH123 10/17/2011 6:10PM

    I don't think you are too alone with your "fear of success"...
Sometimes I self-sabotage myself because I'm "afraid" to be "thin or a normal weight".

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COOKWITHME65 10/17/2011 5:52PM

    You are never alone Kristin. I and others are here for you and I will be awaiting your next blog. I can use a good laugh. It has been a tough month to say the least. Tears of joy have come twice today for me. Once with hopeful news of my Bob's health and then again with this beautiful blog of yours. God is good.
- emoticon - Kristan

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EILI359 10/17/2011 4:52PM

    emoticon emoticon

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WONDERBUG381 10/17/2011 4:49PM

    I am so glad you decided to stay and thank you for sharing your story.

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SURREAL283 10/17/2011 4:32PM

    Life is so unfair to some people! But know that you have made a difference in so many of our lives. I mean, I just saw your blog about three weeks and have thought about you every single day since. Every time I think about you, I am inspired to continue with my own journey. You are truly one of the most amazing people I have ever "met".

Comment edited on: 10/17/2011 4:33:22 PM

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DANA5402 10/17/2011 4:14PM

  I'm so glad you're back... I don't mean to be selfish, but I need you on Spark. YOU are one of my insprations. I always look forward to the words of encouragement that you send to everyone.

I'm sorry that your dealing with darkness. You are such a strong and vibrant person, I know that you can beat that darkness. And Spark is the best place to be, its so bright and sunny here, its the perfect thing to fight darkness! You are in my prayers.

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TEDDYBEARGIRL 10/17/2011 4:00PM

    Somewhere along the way I missed hearing about you leaving us. But so glad that you did not really leave sparks.

I understood your message in your blog more than you can know. I can totally relate except for the loss of a child as I have no children but I have a "Derek" in my life whos name is Joe. He did not physically die but it has been a deep loss none the less. I was his caregiver for 8 years. He has CP and is in a wheelchair. We bonded like sister/brother, mother/son even thought I was his paid staff. September of 2010 he went in for some oral surgery and came out of it unable to breath on his own anymore and was on a ventilator. Due to the vent he had to have a feeding tube put in for nourishment. The group home he lived in could not take him back as long as he needed a ventilator to help him breath as we are not a medically fragile home. So he was sent to another city to a speciality hospital to get weaned off the ventilator. This city was 65 miles away from where he was living. I as his staff got to go and be with him 2-3 of my 4 work days every week he was at this hospital. He went in there at the end of Sept and was discharged from there in december still on a vent. That is why my world came crashing down as he could not come back home so he went to a foster home till a new permanent home could be found for him..........it was like the state came in and took my child from my arms and I could do nothing about it. It was a deep loss for me!.......I was upset because this new hospital never even tried to wean him off the vent saying he will never breath on his own(all they could see was a wheelchair bound man with CP) The foster home never got him out of bed(i visited him 2 times at that home(still 65 miles away) on my own time)......a new permanent home was found for him back in his own home town that took medically fragile people so he came back to us in the same town at least.......fast forward 1 year from September 2010 when this all began, Joe is now breathing on his own with no ventilator and no trach and is back to eating food by mouth and only uses the feeding tube for meds and hydration......he is back to where he was a year ago before the oral surgery. So I do understand what it is like to loos someone so close that they are like flesh and blood even if it was not in death.

I also totally understand the fear of success. I lost 100 pounds 3 or 4 years ago here on sparks but the fear of people looking at my body and making comments on how good I was looking I freaked out and regained all 100 pounds plus another 50 pounds on top of that to reach my highest weight ever of just a little over 400 pounds. My fear of success stemmed from childhood sexual abuse. I felt my fat would keep me safe but instead it was slowly killing me physically and socially.

You and I seem to have alot in common as we both feel the same way and fear the same things as well as we are both getting our eyes opened up by God to what life is really like and how much it is worth living and we need not to be afraid anymore but begin to live for all the little things we seem to take for granted.

Thanks for sharing you story as it touched my heart!

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ARCHIMEDESII 10/17/2011 3:33PM

    Hello, Kristin !

I'm glad you've decided to stay with Spark People ! Yes, the Spark community is not only helpful, it's supportive ! You've experienced a lot of adversity recently. No one would blame you if you took some time off for yourself. There are times when we all need a little solitude. But, it's nice to know we have friends. cyber friends too !


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Comment edited on: 10/17/2011 3:34:02 PM

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