Tuesday, October 11, 2011
I'm in a dilemma about my appearance.
Am I fat or not? I can't decide.
On the one hand, I was most happy with my appearance when I was in the 125 - 130 lb range. I looked good in pictures and felt pretty. Men hit on me. I knew I was attractive.
I'm now 25 lbs heavier than that. I feel the extra weight mostly around my middle when I am sitting down. My boobs are bigger. My jean size is bigger. But overall, I still feel attractive. I have cleavage now. I am a runner now! I am curvalicious.
When I look in the mirror, I feel like I look hot. There are some things I'm not happy about, but even at 130 lbs there were things I wasn't happy about. As before, I mainly feel that I have a sexy bod. My BF tells me I have a sexy bod constantly. His opinion is really the only one that matters, right?
The problem is when I have pictures taken of me. Not the kind where I am standing in front of the mirror posing. The kind where someone commands you to stand next to the skinny person and say cheese. Or the kind where you are 2 hours into a race and the photographer snaps a shot. There is my huge gut, there are my huge arms, and OMG is that cellulite on my ARMS? Holy crap, my face is fat! Look at that double chin! The gut, the rolls!
I never post these pictures on SP because I'm ashamed of them. They remind me that I'm not attractive, I'm not fit, I'm not entirely healthy, I'm not sexy. I hide them away where I can't see them so I don't feel like a failure, like I'm not worthy to be on SP because 3 years into my journey I've only lost 10 lbs.
The mirror lies to me. So does my BF. They tell me I am so sexy and beautiful, but pictures tell a totally different story. Pictures show me that I'm a wide load, too fat, especially standing next to normal people.
So I constantly feel stuck in this cycle of self-love and self-loathing.
I am always trying to convince myself that it's the mirror that holds the truth, and the pictures are the ones lying, but that's impossible, right?
I want to be happy with myself the way I am, feeling the way I feel, but I DO NOT want to be ashamed of myself every time I see a photo!
This is the main reason I want to lose weight! I am tired of feeling ashamed of how I look in photos! Even though throughout the day, for several days in a row, I am happy with my appearance and the way my clothes fit. As soon as someone snaps another photo I am reminded of my disgusting fat!
Most recently, I have seen photos of myself at the zoo with my daughter (HUGE, cellulite arm), photos of myself in the triathlon (giant body, lots of rolls). Just want to look normal in photos...
So I struggle on...