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Objects in mirror are larger than they appear


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I'm in a dilemma about my appearance.

Am I fat or not? I can't decide.

On the one hand, I was most happy with my appearance when I was in the 125 - 130 lb range. I looked good in pictures and felt pretty. Men hit on me. I knew I was attractive.

I'm now 25 lbs heavier than that. I feel the extra weight mostly around my middle when I am sitting down. My boobs are bigger. My jean size is bigger. But overall, I still feel attractive. I have cleavage now. I am a runner now! I am curvalicious.

When I look in the mirror, I feel like I look hot. There are some things I'm not happy about, but even at 130 lbs there were things I wasn't happy about. As before, I mainly feel that I have a sexy bod. My BF tells me I have a sexy bod constantly. His opinion is really the only one that matters, right?

The problem is when I have pictures taken of me. Not the kind where I am standing in front of the mirror posing. The kind where someone commands you to stand next to the skinny person and say cheese. Or the kind where you are 2 hours into a race and the photographer snaps a shot. There is my huge gut, there are my huge arms, and OMG is that cellulite on my ARMS? Holy crap, my face is fat! Look at that double chin! The gut, the rolls!

I never post these pictures on SP because I'm ashamed of them. They remind me that I'm not attractive, I'm not fit, I'm not entirely healthy, I'm not sexy. I hide them away where I can't see them so I don't feel like a failure, like I'm not worthy to be on SP because 3 years into my journey I've only lost 10 lbs.

The mirror lies to me. So does my BF. They tell me I am so sexy and beautiful, but pictures tell a totally different story. Pictures show me that I'm a wide load, too fat, especially standing next to normal people.

So I constantly feel stuck in this cycle of self-love and self-loathing.

I am always trying to convince myself that it's the mirror that holds the truth, and the pictures are the ones lying, but that's impossible, right?

I want to be happy with myself the way I am, feeling the way I feel, but I DO NOT want to be ashamed of myself every time I see a photo!

This is the main reason I want to lose weight! I am tired of feeling ashamed of how I look in photos! Even though throughout the day, for several days in a row, I am happy with my appearance and the way my clothes fit. As soon as someone snaps another photo I am reminded of my disgusting fat!

Most recently, I have seen photos of myself at the zoo with my daughter (HUGE, cellulite arm), photos of myself in the triathlon (giant body, lots of rolls). Just want to look normal in photos...

So I struggle on...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
DDOORN 10/13/2011 9:03AM

    Bigtime problem here too...self-bashing, etc. When are we EVER "good enough" for ourselves...? Keep moving forward with this work too...it's even more important than the numbers on the scale!

Don

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MELISSAD0721 10/12/2011 2:38PM

    I feel the same way and I really think its the photos that are liars. They are just jealous haters. They do not understand all the important angles of our extreme sexiness :) Ask your most beautiful and thin friend how she feels about herself in pictures. That will tell you all you need to know!

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BANKER-CHUCK 10/12/2011 10:16AM

    You are being very tough on yourself. You look great! It is good to want to look good but not at the expense of your physic. Just keep up the great work and consistency. I saw your pictures of you and your sister at the Race for the Roses. I did that race this year in the cold morning. Got my first trophy in the 5K.

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FATHINSN 10/11/2011 8:38PM

    I like the office mirror more than my home's coz the office is full length and I appear much slimmer, haha.

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APIRLRAIN888 10/11/2011 8:25PM

    I know about the arms thing argh...if u know a secret to rid them, let me know

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JONICACALDWELL 10/11/2011 4:59PM

    Yup, I hear ya. Anything under 145 for me is my "hit on " weight. Who knew, that's my under 25 for BMI too-! Ugh. But the race photos, I totally understand. I've done my last 4 races at 165 and I'm determined to do the next one at 155 (Oct 29) and the once after that at 145 (Nov 20). We can do it!!! emoticon

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VESPYR 10/11/2011 4:12PM

    I feel the same. I like my mirror...but pictures tell a different story. So embarrassing!!! Keep working at it and it really is how you feel about yourself. I understand though you feel sexy in a cute outfit...get your picture taken with friends and then you see it...sexy feeling gone. Just wanted to say you're not alone.

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CRYSBROWN1 10/11/2011 3:52PM

    I think what is most important is how you feel you look. If you are here to make changes to be healthier than that is what you should do. However, EVERYONE & I do many everyone except maybe those people on TV that in real life if we actually saw we would think that they need to eat a sandwich - looks a bit heavier in picture than in real life. I do not know many people that think that they look good in pics & seriously I have family members that I see in pics that do not look anything like that in real life. But with that being said doesn't mean that you should not keep on with your goal of losing weight if you want to.

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