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Friday, September 30, 2011

This is hilarious! Before you start sending me historical corrections, just go with the flow and read to the end. Also, this is my no means endorsement of the nutritional value or horros of grits. (I'm getting so good at disclaimers, aren't I? lol) As an aside, being from New Orleans and not from the country, I've never had red eye gravy or even seen it, so I'm clueless about that but I don't think I like the sound of it. Still... I love being from the deep south! LOL

What Are Grits?

Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people think grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as a Grits can be made from corn. Research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

How Grits are Formed:

Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in Georgia , and are guarded day and night by armed guards and attack dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast--not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question.

Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grits. They call them Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and can leave you unable to have children.

Historical Grits:

As mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert . After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public. The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary discovered in the seat of an old sedan. The woman's name was Herculania Jemimana, who was known as Aunt Jemima to her friends.

The Ten Commandments of Grits:

I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II.Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III.Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits
V.Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and red eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits
VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch.
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.

How to Cook Grits:

For one serving of Grits: Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. Add 5 Tbsp of Grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water. When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, they are done. That's all there is to cooking grits.

How to make red eye gravy: Fry salt cured country ham in cast-iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits.

How to Eat Grits:

Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. Do NOT use low-fat butter.

The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter. In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Use biscuits made from scratch. Never, ever substitute canned or store-bought biscuits for the real thing because they can cause cancer, tooth decay and impotence.

Next, add salt. The correct ratio of Grit to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt. Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork. The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk. Your grits should rarely be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think its Cream of Wheat.

Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:

Leftover grits are extremely rare and may only be a rumor. Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish, Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight. The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass. Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2' of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown. Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable but delicious.


May the Lord bless these grits,
May Yankees never get the recipe,
May I eat grits each day while living,
And may I die while eating grits.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I first tasted Grits on trip to Florida. You can find them at Seymor, IN, Waffle HOuse; on breakfast menu but then must proceed to KY to find more. (this has been in my limited traveling experience lol)
    Alas, a transplanted NY'er used inst. grits and loves them with a little raw sugar and teeny bit of milk. At least, I am not doing the Cream of Wheat!!! emoticon Making from scratch sounds like a lot of work and I am not to familiar with the red? whatever gravy either?? Coffee grounds??
    I am not southern cooker I guess. lol emoticon
    2143 days ago
    Sugar Bear introduced me to grits...I called them Skrits and ate them like cream of wheat...he loved his grits....Gosh that makes me cry thinking of my beloved Sugar Bear and how he always cooked for me every meal...Bet he is eating his grits in Heaven with the LORD!
    Love ya,
    2149 days ago
    I have not tasted grits. Heard loads about them.
    2149 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/4/2011 5:54:18 AM
    Missy, Missy, you are so smart with your historical facts of grits LOL

    I myself really enjoy eating grits with butter and salt.

    I do not like creme of wheat because it will turn my insides to cement LOL

    I eat regular grits, not the quick cooking ones.

    Also I am born and raised in Chicago, and Chicago has more southerners then the south LOL
    2149 days ago
  • DMT1956
    i had grits when i lived in little rock

    with fried breakfast usually aren't they?

    i liked them and buscuits and gravy.

    wow seems like lots of calories though.
    2151 days ago
    *LOL* Stick a pencil in 'em and when it stands up they're done! *LOL* Loved it, Missy! Made me think of Flo on that ol' TV show "Alice" when she said, "You can kiss my grits!"

    Grits are an acquired taste~ I can take 'em or leave 'em. Thanks for sharing. *hugs* BB~

    2151 days ago
    Reading this reminded of the scene in the movie, "My Cousin Vinny" when Joe Pesci, a defense attorney, questions a prosecution witness over the length of time the witness cooked his grits. Pesci had just seen his first grits that morning at the town's diner and had to ask what they were and how they were cooked.

    I enjoy grits but Dad always said they tasted like sand to him and never ate them after his first bite.

    And, referring to gravy: My brother-in-law, a true Cajun, while we drove to the store one night during my visit, pointed to a long, open field and asked how I could tell a true Cajun. A true Cajun, he said, could look at an empty field like that and not only tell how many bushels of rice could be grown on the field, but could also tell how much gravy it would take to cover that rice. Got to love southerners. emoticon -- Lou
    2151 days ago
    Funny! Around here they eat grits with white gravy. Ah, but they also eat Cream of you-know-what. Thanks for posting!
    2152 days ago
    emoticon and I love grits
    2152 days ago
    emoticon I shall remember this! emoticon
    2152 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2152 days ago
    As I may have mentioned, I am on a high protein, high carb diet. Grits ARE acceptable - and I adore them and eat them almost every day. With a fork. But then, I am a transplanted Southerner living far away from, and on the other side of where paradise really reigns (ie: North) but my Texas roots survive; my Louisiana, Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi travels taught me well what is good. Do I remember correctly or did they used to call 'em Hominy Grits? Anyway, Yummmm! emoticon
    2152 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/30/2011 5:14:24 PM
    I loved this LOL emoticon
    Still no idea what grits are made of, though... : )
    2152 days ago
    emoticon Missy, I loved this!

    This proud Yankee's introduction to grits was sad: My DH, our 3 kids and I moved to Memphis, TN and stayed several days in a motel. Breakfast that first morning was 'interesting' to say the least. We ordered bacon and eggs, and when served, there was some white slimy-looking stuff swimming on the plate in a puddle of grease. When we asked the waitress what that was, she was horrified that we didn't know, and informed us, "Why that's yer GRITS!" LOL

    Years later I learned to appreciate a well-made dish of grits, and to this day, I will try them on occasion. The one southern treat that I MUST have every time we visit our 'southern dau' is deep-fried okra. I know - deep fried is not the most healthy way to go, but there's nothing better tasting than deep-fried okra.

    Thank you for bringing a huge smile to my face with your blog.
    2152 days ago
    LOL..very funny.
    This Canadian girl loves Grits....no, not Cream of Wheat....lol
    2152 days ago
    Now, see what Y'all did. I have to go buy grits on the way home. In leiu of red eye gravy, crispy bacon is good mixed in. To be really decadent, top your grits with cheddar cheese and bacon. I plan to use turkey bacon and 2% shredded cheese this weekend.
    You know you are Southern when your favorite Chef owned gourmet restaurant always has White cheddar grits on the menu. emoticon
    2152 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/30/2011 3:33:19 PM
    SADIE emoticon
    2152 days ago
    Never had Grits till I tried Martha Stewart's recipe, you add cottage cheese. That was the beginning of a love affair!
    2152 days ago
    I've never tried them but if I ever do I will use your recipe.
    2152 days ago
    love your blog and I do enjoy my grits in the morning too!
    Thank you for sharing it with us!1 emoticon
    2152 days ago
  • SUSAN134
    Ha! Always wondered what Grits were and now I know LOL! Thanks Missy!
    2152 days ago
    Red eye gravy ROCKS! emoticon

    Thanks for sharing the funny. emoticon
    2152 days ago
  • 4MRSDAND123
    This is SO funny! I luv it! emoticon emoticon
    2152 days ago
  • MISSG180
    This is hysterically funny! Thank you for sharing it. I always regarded grits as one more nasty regional food until I had them cooked right and served with just butter and salt. Delicious!
    2152 days ago
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