Thursday, September 29, 2011
wallowing: to become or remain helpless
Ive been doing this for a while now. I have nearly gained back all of the weight I lost. My fat clothes fit again. My knees hurt again. I canít get enough sleep anymore. The only solace I can take is that I know there is more muscle under all that fat. My two and half years of doing cardio at the gym have given me a fairly good foundation.
I cannot stop eating. I am so miserable and beaten down by life that I just donít care enough to go through all of the effort. And it takes MOUNTAINS of effort to eat right. What worked for me was just tracking everything. EVERYTHING. I found I could eat absolutely anything, as long as I ended the day under my caloric and fat goals. Even though what I was eating didnít look healthy, the portions were, and the weight fell off.
It wasnít easy, not by any stretch, it was monumentally difficult. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Every moment of every day was built around food, obsessing about it, counting everything, being strict. I would plan one meal, then almost immediately think about the next meal. Counting, counting, counting. It is incredibly labor intensive, cooking. Cleaning. Cooking and cleaning cooking and cleaning.
I donít have the energy. I know from experience that beginning to eat right will create the energy, but I still lack the will to begin. So I lack the will to get the energy that I need.
So I have been wallowing, I know I am killing myself. I am regressing, but I just donít care. I donít care enough to get started. To start it all up again, I havenít stopped going to the gym, I have slowed down, but I am still there at least once a week, some weeks I hit my goal and get there four times, but it does not stem the tide. My uncontrollable appetite coupled with my nearly total loss of self control makes it almost moot issue.
I just donít care enough to eat right.
I just donít care.
I want to care, but I cant.
I donít know what is wrong with me, but I donít care enough to find out.
To fix anything
I just want to sit here and wallow. Not in self pity, I donít care about that. I just donít care enough to bother with any of that. I am just going to sit here and wallow in the fact that I am losing.
Its easier this way.