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    TSABONIS   14,662
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wallowing

Thursday, September 29, 2011

wallowing: to become or remain helpless

Ive been doing this for a while now. I have nearly gained back all of the weight I lost. My fat clothes fit again. My knees hurt again. I canít get enough sleep anymore. The only solace I can take is that I know there is more muscle under all that fat. My two and half years of doing cardio at the gym have given me a fairly good foundation.

But

I cannot stop eating. I am so miserable and beaten down by life that I just donít care enough to go through all of the effort. And it takes MOUNTAINS of effort to eat right. What worked for me was just tracking everything. EVERYTHING. I found I could eat absolutely anything, as long as I ended the day under my caloric and fat goals. Even though what I was eating didnít look healthy, the portions were, and the weight fell off.

It wasnít easy, not by any stretch, it was monumentally difficult. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Every moment of every day was built around food, obsessing about it, counting everything, being strict. I would plan one meal, then almost immediately think about the next meal. Counting, counting, counting. It is incredibly labor intensive, cooking. Cleaning. Cooking and cleaning cooking and cleaning.

I donít have the energy. I know from experience that beginning to eat right will create the energy, but I still lack the will to begin. So I lack the will to get the energy that I need.

So I have been wallowing, I know I am killing myself. I am regressing, but I just donít care. I donít care enough to get started. To start it all up again, I havenít stopped going to the gym, I have slowed down, but I am still there at least once a week, some weeks I hit my goal and get there four times, but it does not stem the tide. My uncontrollable appetite coupled with my nearly total loss of self control makes it almost moot issue.

I just donít care enough to eat right.
I just donít care.
I want to care, but I cant.
I donít know what is wrong with me, but I donít care enough to find out.
To fix anything
To stop
I just want to sit here and wallow. Not in self pity, I donít care about that. I just donít care enough to bother with any of that. I am just going to sit here and wallow in the fact that I am losing.
Its easier this way.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMYNUNLEY 1/15/2012 12:00AM

  hey bro, i just read this sorry i haven't been very good at checking in on spark people. revolving your entire life around food is too exhausting. why is it so easy for some people to eat JUST enough? why do some people over indulge OCCASIONALLY and quickly recover from it?? It's not fair! i, too have been in a pit of despair over my weight. why won't it budge? i've gained about 10 pounds which i know isn't THAT much but come on! i've been at this for years now and that fat is like cement on me! I hate full length mirrors, I avoid contact with the public at all costs, i don't go out with friends or do anything that requires me to be "out" for any length of time because it's too risky. i haven't sang karaoke in YEARS and it's 100 PERCENT ENTIRELY WITH OUT A DOUBT BECAUSE OF MY WEIGHT. I'm always worried that i'll run into someone from facebook out in the real world, so i hide. the entire reason i don't go get a job outside the home is because i don't want to be seen. i'm a prisoner of my own vanity. I don't want anyone who knew me when i used to be pretty to see me. I do think medication will help you. at least for the depression. there's another sword out there for you, one that won't require a life consuming obsession with portions and calories and fat. you just became exhausted. anyone would. too much counting, planning, cooking, cleaning, counting, planning, cooking, cleaning, counting, planning, cooking, cleaning... it's a never ending suck fest. you've fought the WAR for so long, and you've been a warrior. but here's the thing, you can still WIN! and what a great come-back story you will be! you now understand what it's like to lose hope, soon you will be able to tell everyone how to get it back again! i have faith in you! you're gonna kick that beast square in the ass.

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TLN-NOW 10/29/2011 10:53AM

    T.... You sound like me when you wrote to check up on me last January, when I was just peeking in. Now...10 months later... I'm 10 pounds more than I had ever been.
What are we going to do. I really do miss my knees NOT complaining to me! I know we can make this better. But...there sits my treadmill right in front of me, unused...while I'm just about to burst every pant button on the larger pants I've bought...

It's nice that you checked up on me. I'm doing the same for you. Let's try to straighten out our heads.

hugs

Mary emoticon

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NEWKIM1 10/4/2011 11:31PM

    Don't give up - hang in there - getting started is the hardest part - quitting is the easiest...but sticking with it is the most rewarding and healthy thing you can do for YOU and your kids! You can do this - you go this! Make me proud, again!

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IUHRYTR 10/3/2011 9:44PM

    I can relate, T. I, too, have gained back some of what I had lost. My lack of motivation is due to depression that tells me what you said, that it is easier to give up, to not care any more, to not make the effort that I know will make me feel better about myself and my life. Guess it's time to get back on the medications. Will that help you, too? -- Lou

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KINSBAILE 9/30/2011 11:19AM

    Well, I think there are people here that DO care.

You're worth it to be healthier.

Hope your life becomes better.

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TERRYMEMPHIS 9/29/2011 7:48PM

    My friend this is Terry. Do you have facebook? I would love to talk to you. I too have had issues. I have gained back 21 pounds. I've been battling too. I'm riding again. I too have had issues with my body killing me. I have started tracking my food again. I always got mad when it seemed like somebody was screwing up or did not care, or did not do spark for a while. I was like why are you getting bored. Then it hit me I was in like two years and then I stopped tracking and then I was hurting and then I was like well I still have managed to keep 50 pounds off. But I felt a lot better at 216 than 237. We need to help each other my Iowan friend. My face book is Terrance houck. Please send me a friend request. I'm in your corner, I never left. emoticon

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HUZZAH39 9/29/2011 3:40PM

    I feel your pain. It is hard to keep committed especially when things seem to come against you. I know that you were made for more than wallowing and if you are in a place where you don't care, would you allow me to care for you? I can not physically be there but I can saturate you in prayer, if you would allow me to. Hugs, Christine

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