To say that it's been a while since I blogged would be a vast understatement. Since April, when I last wrote, I've been sort of off the grid, wrapped up in summer and all its glory--swimming, vacationing, lazing away, and generally in a state of suspension when it comes to fitness. Not a downward spiral, mind you (I only gained 2-3 lbs) but just a sort of noncommittal, unfocused state.
And now my sisters are back in school and I'm sort of on my own again when it comes to my free time. Although it's been years since I've had an actual "summer break," the girls are 9 and 11 years younger than me (I just turned 30 myself), and I guess I was in a summer break state of mind with them.
And now it's back to reality. And, now that my sisters are back in school, back to my utter lack of a social life outside of my husband (who I adore, but let's face it--we all need friends) and back to facing myself in the mirror and hating where I'm at with my body.
My natural inclination is to make a list of things that will make me feel complete and then create a plan to accomplish them ... but I don't even know what those things are right now.
My life is almost completely devoid of creativity. I'm a painter who doesn't paint. A writer who doesn't write. I told myself I'd take up sewing, join an open painting group, learn to throw on a potting wheel, learn to bake, join a reading group to make friends. I haven't done any of those things.
I guess I want to be inspired. And I know only I can do that for myself---I'm just not sure what form it will take yet. So this part of the story is "to be continued."
The one thing in my life that isn't open-ended, that already has a plan mapped out, is my weight. It's a number, it's reachable, I will have accomplished something. So I'm back at it, in a place where I have a good support group, working to feel at 30 like I did at 20. I'll always be the older sister, but I don't want to be the heavy one, too.
Here we are this summer, me in the middle. I'm readjusting to life without them, and hoping next time I see them I'll be closer to reaching one goal and finding out what the others should be.