Monday, September 26, 2011
It's been a long time since I made a blog post. I'd love to give an update on my amazing weight loss and success but really I've been hiding from the disappointment and sense of failure I have. Many months ago I developed a pain in the arch of my foot when I ran or when I walked or really anytime. Being unable to go to the doctor I did all I could to heal and get back into it. Unfortunately my foot took longer to heal than I had hoped and I started to lose my progress and slowly the weight started to creep back on.
For a while I blamed my foot and how I couldn't walk, do aerobics, or really anything at all. Not to mention my new job and how busy I was working and just didn't have time to work out. It was becoming excuse after excuse. First the exercise, then the eating right, and finally the water consumption all disappeared and with that the weight I had lost found its way back. I had gotten into a size 6 and was one pound away from reaching the 130's. Now I struggle to stay away from 150 and going back over into that dreaded overweight category. My size 6's don't fit and some of my 8's are started to be uncomfortable and tight. I've lost my motivation.
After dwelling and lamenting on my failure I came to realize a major problem I was having. I had been doing everything based on my running. I ate right so I could run, I drank water so I could run, I exercised for cross training so I could run. EVERYTHING I did was for my running. The weight loss was just an added benefit. When I lost my running I let everything else slip away because there was no reason for it. I started this to lose weight and found a passion in my running and once that was gone so was everything else. Perhaps passion is the wrong word perhaps what I did was find a new addiction. I started running two weeks after quitting smoking and that became my new addiction; the thing I did when I was hungry, bored, or stressed. Thankfully I haven't had any desire to start smoking again but now it is back to the eating when I'm bored.
So here it is... I've gained 8 pounds (sometimes 10), have stopped exercising completely, barely drink 3 glasses of water a day, make more and more unhealthy eating choices, and am about to need a whole new wardrobe. I'm fighting depression and stress and have done nothing to help myself. All I can think about is running. I sat and watched the Biggest Loser the other day and all I wanted was to get up and go out an run (even though it was the middle of the night) but I'm worried about my foot. I'm scared I'll injure myself forever so instead of trying I just sit there making excuses.
I don't know how to get my motivation back. I don't know how to make this about being healthy instead of about running. I dont' even know how to get my running back. I figured I would get a new pair of shoes and then start running again but I think I'm scared. This is the second time I've gone down to injury and I'm worried about losing everything permanetly. I dont' know how to balance and I often obsess and take things to the extreme. I am an all or nothing kind of person and I think that comes from my addictive personality. Really I just don't know what to do anymore but I figured finally talking about it and no longer hiding and making excuses was a good first step.
I need to stop being an extremist. I need to stop focusing on only work and my failures. I need to stop being scared. I need to try and run again and IF that isn't an option there are others I need to find. I mean I have a free gym at work for goodness sake. I shouldn't have any excuses!! Ugh I'm just so frustrated and I need to get back into it. I'm going to miss the 10K I planned on running since February when I ran my first 5K and then of course there was the adventure run I had planned for late November to run with my son. It's all gone unless I get off my rear and fix it. Now if I can only figure out how.