Monday, September 26, 2011
Today I realized I was becoming someone I didn't really like. Funny thing is the reason I am becoming that person is because I don't like myself very much right now. Depression is so strange. It caught me off guard again and is tearing me apart. I am convinced that this is an attack of the devil. I was drawing closer to God and growing so much, and than Satan sees an opportunity...
I left the door wide open really. Placing all my attention and energy in places it doesn't need to be. Worry about the cleanliness of my home but not my heart; making time for my childrens' spiritual nourishment but not my own; worrying about everything and praying about little. I really did set myself up. Don't get me wrong; I am not saying depression is a sin. I've battled all my life. What I can tell you, however, is that had I been more in touch with God I would also have been more in touch with myself and caught myself before I fell so far down. Now, here I sit again, in a pit.
Had I been reading scripture, I would not have forgot my worth. God loves me so much he has even counted every hair on my head! I am the daughter of THE King! I am worth so much!
What angers me so much is that I can see my blessings so clearly and not FEEL blessed. I have a wonderful husband and children, great friends, I am living in an amazing place...I have so much. So why do I feel so, for lack of a better word, crappy? This makes me feel even angrier with myself. I find myself screaming in my head, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!"
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people whine about things they don't like, but don't take steps to change those things. So, here is the plan. 1) I have made an appt with a counselor. This is a HUGE step for me. I've been procrastinating here, so this goes down as a big accomplishment on a day when I truly accomplished little else. 2) I am going to be more diligent in proper nutrition and daily exercise. 3) For each failure I note at the end of the day, I am going to also note a success. 4) I will remind myself as many times as I need to each day of my worth as a child of Christ.
One step at a time, one day at a time, one pound at a time....ONE PRAYER AT A TIME.