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New Fat Memories or I Need a Hug

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I normally weigh myself once a week, same time, same day, same lack of clothing. My weigh in day is Monday but today for some reason this little voice whispered, "Get on the scale." So I did. To my surprise I lost 3 pounds which means I weigh under 250 pounds. I haven't been under 250 pounds for years.

The last time I was at this weight we had just learned of our father's illness. Once we had a proper diagnosis for Dad I became his primary caregiver. During his illness and the year after his death I gained over 25 pounds.

At first I was really happy to see 248 pounds on the scale. Then I was overwhelmed with anger. I found myself going over the disappointment of finding myself without adequate support during my father's illness (he had ALS). I found myself mentally lashing out at people who didn't come through for us, who just disappeared when we needed them the most. I was stewing in this anger for at least an hour.

Something finally snapped and I said out loud, "Why am I so angry?" Especially since I thought that I had resolved many of the issues surrounding my father's illness and passing. I really thought I was in a good place. What could pull up these feelings for no apparent reason? And then it occurred to me that this is where I was when everything started to go "bad" and fear started to over take me.

I sat down and attempted to write about these complicated feelings. This helped me bring myself out of the fear and anger. I had a good conversation with myself to gauge where I am emotionally and mentally. In the past, this would have started a day of a non-stop binge, all sugar and fat. So I'm really proud that I was able to recognize the start of something that could have been self destructive.

This episode left me wondering, does our excess fat have memories? Logically, I know it doesn't but sometimes I think my body really doesn't want to be at a specific weight because of some trigger memory. I will need to really focus on my emotions while I loose the next 10 pounds due to the memories of this weight. I need to build a positive memory around the 240s because I know that this weight means more to me than just eating too many donuts. So I'm going to go make some new fat memories, some positive one to get me through and keep me going. In the meantime, I think I'll go see if anybody will give me a hug. Boy, do I need one!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    2373 days ago
    Those are some amazing insights. emoticon on being able to sort things out and deal with it without turning to old destructive habits. Thanks for sharing - this seems to be something we may all need to look out for and I'd certainly never considered it.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    2373 days ago
  • ASHL_84
    emoticon Hope you can make some good memories at this weight! You deserve to feel good about losing weight and getting down to what you are now!!!!
    2373 days ago
  • SAMI199
    I am impressed by your insight.I am sorry you went through so much with your Dad.Anger is a funny thing-you think it is resloved,only to have it return. I am of the mind that anger is not a bad thing.I spent too many years stuffing "negative" emotions by eating evrything in sight. Keep up the good work,my friend-you are doing great!

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    2373 days ago
    Great post Chessie! Congrats on finding an alternative to binging, that is a huge achievement. Also big WTG on losing 3 pounds! But mostly loads of hugs, I am sorry that you didn't get the support you needed during your Dad's illness and passing, I looked after my MIL during her last months and I found it very stressful.
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    2373 days ago
    I will also send you emoticon . Caring for a dying parent is draining and in my case filled with self recriminations. The constant what ifs? You did your best and should be commended for everything you did to ease your father's passing. Now let it go. You are losing the weight for you. You are a great person and deserve happiness. emoticon
    2373 days ago
    Thanks for sharing and you maybe on to something there I know there is a reason why I gain once I get to my goal but never thought of it as memories

    Sorry no one was there for you when you were taking car of your dad similar situation for me so I know where you are coming from emoticon
    2373 days ago
    I will be happy to give you a big emoticon and wish I could in person.I just had this similar realization as you have,you are welcome to read.I can empathize and relate to you,I was with anger and frustration over my health and weight,which is steadily going the wrong direction emoticon ugh! We all really do have to get our emotional part ready for positive success to be successful on our lifestyle journey's! emoticon emoticon Diana emoticon
    2373 days ago
    I think you are doing well. You acknowledged the feelings and emotions and did something about them. Your post made me think and that is good. Thank you for posting.
    2373 days ago
    Oh so very interesting.

    Thank you so much for sharing that. I have some thinking of my own to do after that! And here are some cheesy internet emoticon

    Best I can do, I'm afraid. I hope that's ok. emoticon
    2373 days ago
    The happy and sad part of loosing weight is in all of us. I too have feels of not some not so good times that seem to fit with certain numbers on the scale. Talk it out and then write a new story line for your self. Do a scrape book page of what the new you is. Congratulations on the weight loss. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2373 days ago
  • FORME551
    Wow, that was a powerful post...made me think hard. Weight does have associations for us just like anything else. You had a major victory there when you actually realized what was happening instead of eating unconsciously to numb the pain.
    I wonder how often we do that. have been a motivation and an encouragement!
    2373 days ago
  • ELSAG83
    don't hold yourself back. Be happy with the progress you've made! You're doing great and keep it up!!
    2373 days ago
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