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#23 - I Feel Lost.

Monday, September 19, 2011

emoticon This blog isn't happy. It contains complaining. emoticon

I feel lost about everything.

Since I last blogged about the problems with my boyfriend, we talked a little bit. Some things have gotten better; other issues have stayed the same. We talked again on Friday before a planned trip to see a college football game with another couple who are our friends. I was really nervous about the trip because the last time we all hung out, I did not have a good time. However, this weekend was just what I needed. My boyfriend really focused on making me happy, and he was really supportive. We had a good time. While this weekend was great, it's back to reality, and I'm scared of it going back to the usual. Fast forward to last night: his mother told him that his Grandmother's cancer is back, and there is nothing they can do for her. Needless to say, he's been upset since yesterday. I did my very best to console him. I feel like my feelings about this relationship are important. In order for me to be there for him, I need to feel better about things. I really want to talk to him about the issues that I see, but how can I now? It would be very selfish of me to say "hey, can we talk?" because I feel like all we would do is fight. Plus, I am afraid that this talk would lead to a break up, and I don't want him to have any more pressure on him. His Grandmother is a very important person in his life. So, I guess my feelings are on the back burner (as always, it seems). I feel lost because I know I need to make myself happy for my health, but he's got his own problems to deal with.

In addition to boyfriend issues, I am bored at my job. I have nothing to do (usually). The highlight of my day is walking to the mail box. (Ha) I've looked into going to get my Masters, but I'm scared I will fail. However, I can't stay at this job forever. I hate it. I want to do something that I will enjoy. I want to get my Masters, but it's just seems like a lot, and I am not sure I will be able to keep up. I feel lost because I don't know if I could even get through a class.

These feelings as well as TOM have me going on food binges. I feel like I am eating everything. I can't seem to stop eating. I don't feel full either. I just hope TOM moves on soon.

I know what it's like to be exercising and eating better. Sure, I was tired, but I felt like I was getting smaller and healthier. I loved that. However, I still have not found my motivation. In addition to all of those above, it just seems like exercising and eating healthy is so far off. It's a distant dream. I feel like those things above have me depressed because all I want to do is sleep and eat. I need to go to counseling, but I don't have the money nor do I really want to share details of my life with someone. Some things are just too deep to talk about.

I've also been thinking about taking a break from Spark People. Here are my reasons:

1. I'm a hypocrite. - How can I go encourage someone when I can't encourage myself? How can I give advice when I don't even take it?

2. I feel like I have been so negative. - The last few blog entries are full of complaining: no motivation, boyfriend problems, etc. I don't want to fill Spark with negativity. I don't want people to "catch" my negativity.

3. I keep saying I will get back on track but I don't. - To all of my amazing Spark friends who stick by me and encourage me, I am so very sorry. I feel like I have let you guys down. I know I have let myself down too. I feel like I shouldn't been on this site until I am absolutely ready to start. No more false blogs of starting back. I join challenges that I don't finish. I joined a 5K that I haven't even started training for.

I know quitting is stupid, but I don't know what else to do. I have tried to get back into it, but nothing seems to work. I need to just get my act together. Maybe I will find my "Spark" one day, but it just seems so far away. I hope you all reach your goals. Good luck.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You sound so confused! I'm sorry that you are going through so much right now.

    I think you are right to give your boyfriend some time to digest what he's going through with his grandmother. When you love someone, you have to cut them a little slack sometimes. Just make sure that you don't stay silent forever! And, don't let this be an excuse for him to treat you badly (if he does).

    Anyway, enough with the advice...

    If you quit, you will only feel worse. You will just be procrastinating.

    It doesn't matter how many times you have to re-start or how long it takes you. Every day is a new day and every day presents it's own challenge whether you are on spark people or not. You might as well have the support of you friends here. Most will be there regardless of how much progress you have made.
    2315 days ago

    I know what you're going through, but hang in there. Things have a funny way of working out.

    If you need to give yourself a mental break from tracking/sparking, then go for it. But then come right back and do your thang when things get easier in your personal life.
    2344 days ago
  • ASHESS85
    FIRST OFF- YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU! I know your boyfriend is going through a hard time emotionally but that does not mean you need to pretend that everything is fine with the relationship when it isn't. I suggest you just sit down and talk again. Just make sure you start off with "I know you are going through a tough time right now but..."

    2ND- YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO NOT BE A STRONG, HAPPY, CONFIDENT PERSON 24/7. We are human like many and we have feelings and emotions and you have a right to be feeling the way you are. We are not here to judge. I go through cycles where I am a sad and negative person...but then I bounce back and am back at it. Sometimes this process takes months so be patient. I know you will get your spark back.

    3RD- DO NOT GIVE UP!!!

    I feel if you completely give up on spark may makes things worse. I think you should just keep doing what your doing and just try to do at least 1 healthy thing daily. Whether it be taking that walk, drinking that extra glass of water, or choosing a rice cake over a donut. That's all it takes to slowly get back on track. I know you can do this!!!

    Let me know if you ever want to talk! emoticon
    2344 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/20/2011 4:01:23 PM
    Wow ...

    It is so much in the blog. Let see here with your boyfriend situation the best thing I can say to help you is think about yourself because in the end you are the most important thing. If you feel yourself being put on the back burner or that your not happy or that you cant talk then maybe you need to take a break from that. To be healthy you have to rid your body of all unhealthy things and the way that you feel about your boyfriend and/or the relationship with him is not healthy. Stop looking at it is complaining but instead see it as venting. If you hold all your feeling in and continue to be blue in silence then that is also not healthy. I would say that you should have one last talk with him. Rather it is a calm conversation or an argument don't end it until you feel like the both of y'all have came to an understanding of how the relationship is and if it can be fixed or not.

    Second I am right there with you the job thing. I hate my job to end. I hate waking up everyday to just come here. Throughout the day i am rarely doing my work but instead on SP. I feel like if inside you are saying that you want to go back to school you should do it. Stop thinking negative and saying that you will fall behind before you even try.

    Also you are human. You have the right the be sad, happy, or whatever emotion you are experiencing. Don't give up SP. I have had complaining depressing and sad blogs also but with the help of my sparkfriends they help me see where I can make my situation better. If you feel like you need to see or talk to someone you should do it. Do whatever you think is gonna make you happy in the end.
    2344 days ago
    Dont Quit! I love you girl! When I feel really negative, I just think about my life with an objective lense and stop myself if I start adding in emotion, and then when I am objective I see that my life IS manageable and not so bad. I try to look at my life pragmatically, because it is important to keep moving forward. Maybe it is time to move on and live life for yourself, and then you can focus on Grad school. I shouldnt give you advice on stuff but it seems like one door is closing and the universe is urging you to change some things around. IDK, at least that is what it sounds like. Grad school is important and you can do it!!
    2345 days ago
    Whoa whoa whoa!!! Don't you even think about quitting... you haven't failed until you've given up. That's my take. I have fallen off the wagon more times than I could ever count. I can say without a doubt I have had more "bad" days than good days. But I have still seen success, you just have to keep trying, every day.

    I'm definitely scared of grad school. I wasn't the most stellar student in undergrad; I really struggled. I'm still sort of amazed I graduated at all. However, I know I HAVE to go back to school to get the job I want. The support is there, you just have to take advantage of it. Furthering your education is never a poor decision. If you're really nervous, start with just one class. That's probably what I'll be doing!
    2345 days ago
    Where do I even begin? You have touched on so many things in this blog that I feel overwhelmed. First off, I know exactly what you are going through. It seems like nothing is going right and the last thing you want to do is fight yourself over what you're going to eat. Restraining yourself is exhausting enough without dealing with the rest of the BS in our lives. I have felt like a hypocrite for the last two weeks myself. Right now, I'm sitting in a food court and and asking myself "Would it really hurt to eat something from Panda Express?" when I know that it will just put me a step back & I'll hate myself afterwards. One day, I hope that I can live without this constant push and pull feeling. SO, my dear, everyone feels this way. If you need to take a break, do it. Regroup, focus and reevaluate your home situation and future, and come back strong! BUT, don't give up & talk to somebody. You deserve to be happy and healthy. Take care. emoticon
    2345 days ago
    Sometimes it is good to take a break and if that's what you need, then do it. There are people who've come to Spark, left it, then came back stronger than ever and reached there goals just as there's people who've been on Spark for a few years and still haven't reached their goals but still keep working at it. It is just a tool to use when you're ready to use it.

    It's time to be selfish--even if that means that you and your boyfriend "take a break". It is time to say No to everyone else and Yes to yourself. Also, being bored at your job (vs. being stressed at your job) can actually be a blessing especially if you decide to focus on healing because it won't drain/distract you.

    Again I do think it is vital for you to get a support system and you already acknowledged that you do need help. The benefit is that it's NOT someone that you know and won't be connected to your family and friends--it's like having a secret treasure chest that no one needs to know about and it's just something that you do for yourself. If you have health insurance through your job, then find out what help you can get and use it to the max!

    People don't realize how important it is to deal with our spiritual & emotional "stuff"--a person literally CANNOT achieve success in ANY area of their life because that "stuff" will completely and devastatingly sabotage every single bit of progress that's made. I know because I went through it (and CONQUERED it)! And I know that I was only able to deal with my weight and eating habits successfully AFTER doing that intense healing work.

    Regardless, I do wish you the best in whatever you do! Rest assured that no one here on Spark judges you AT ALL and we are completely supportive and will help out in any way possible. And please know that YES it IS possible for you to be happy and live the life that you want to live. Blessings!
    2345 days ago
  • BECCAJ98
    You know I am having problems too.....and I feel bad about my negativity as well, but I found it was harder not to be here and get random smiles from my sparkfriends!! I totally understand where your coming from, and you know I am always here if you need me!!! Sending big hugs to u!!!!
    2345 days ago
    I was reading your blog entry and ya are right it is a tiny bit blue....however, everyone has a minute, hour, day or even days where they are blue, sad, lonely, eating out of control. You need to find a upside to all of this. Leaving Sparks isn't going to help. If this is where ya can vent then do that.

    Here try this just for a day if ya like. Whenever something makes you smile or feel even a wee bit happy right it down, now don't loose this paper. At lunch or the end of the day go over what made you happy and then tell your self tomorrow you will look over these items whenever ya are sad or make a new list every day.

    Now on the boyfriend thing seriously...if you feel left out or just on the back burner the only thing anyone can say or do for you is to tell ya, you are the only one that will ever be able to make yourself happy. I know it sounds harsh and when ya think of it, it is...but, my dear life is life with good and bad...and we are only put here to live. Your man will have problems and so will you but, you can not always look to him to make you happy. Find away for you to make yourself happy...this can be a hard thing to do. But as time goes by you will find that being next to him is easier and more fun. If you find a way to make yourself happy and things with him still feel like your sitting on the back burner or in a slow cooker my dear that is a way your self is saying it is time to move on. Then please listen to yourself and move on.

    IF you are not happy you will not stick to a healthy lifestyle it is proven. IF you keep giving yourself a reason to quit you will. IF you keep IF'n YOU will never move FORWARDS.

    Do one thing new today or even tonight. For 5 minutes just walk in place if you can't get outside to walk...that is a step forward and in the right direction to your 5K challenge.

    When you do this ad it to your list of things that made you smile and then tomorrow go for 6 mins.

    I know you can do all of these things and I understand all the problems...and feeling blue...but, life is to short and ppl do not make you happy ... you make yourself happy..please remember that.
    2345 days ago
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