This blog isn't happy. It contains complaining.
I feel lost about everything.
Since I last blogged about the problems with my boyfriend, we talked a little bit. Some things have gotten better; other issues have stayed the same. We talked again on Friday before a planned trip to see a college football game with another couple who are our friends. I was really nervous about the trip because the last time we all hung out, I did not have a good time. However, this weekend was just what I needed. My boyfriend really focused on making me happy, and he was really supportive. We had a good time. While this weekend was great, it's back to reality, and I'm scared of it going back to the usual. Fast forward to last night: his mother told him that his Grandmother's cancer is back, and there is nothing they can do for her. Needless to say, he's been upset since yesterday. I did my very best to console him. I feel like my feelings about this relationship are important. In order for me to be there for him, I need to feel better about things. I really want to talk to him about the issues that I see, but how can I now? It would be very selfish of me to say "hey, can we talk?" because I feel like all we would do is fight. Plus, I am afraid that this talk would lead to a break up, and I don't want him to have any more pressure on him. His Grandmother is a very important person in his life. So, I guess my feelings are on the back burner (as always, it seems). I feel lost because I know I need to make myself happy for my health, but he's got his own problems to deal with.
In addition to boyfriend issues, I am bored at my job. I have nothing to do (usually). The highlight of my day is walking to the mail box. (Ha) I've looked into going to get my Masters, but I'm scared I will fail. However, I can't stay at this job forever. I hate it. I want to do something that I will enjoy. I want to get my Masters, but it's just seems like a lot, and I am not sure I will be able to keep up. I feel lost because I don't know if I could even get through a class.
These feelings as well as TOM have me going on food binges. I feel like I am eating everything. I can't seem to stop eating. I don't feel full either. I just hope TOM moves on soon.
I know what it's like to be exercising and eating better. Sure, I was tired, but I felt like I was getting smaller and healthier. I loved that. However, I still have not found my motivation. In addition to all of those above, it just seems like exercising and eating healthy is so far off. It's a distant dream. I feel like those things above have me depressed because all I want to do is sleep and eat. I need to go to counseling, but I don't have the money nor do I really want to share details of my life with someone. Some things are just too deep to talk about.
I've also been thinking about taking a break from Spark People. Here are my reasons:
1. I'm a hypocrite. - How can I go encourage someone when I can't encourage myself? How can I give advice when I don't even take it?
2. I feel like I have been so negative. - The last few blog entries are full of complaining: no motivation, boyfriend problems, etc. I don't want to fill Spark with negativity. I don't want people to "catch" my negativity.
3. I keep saying I will get back on track but I don't. - To all of my amazing Spark friends who stick by me and encourage me, I am so very sorry. I feel like I have let you guys down. I know I have let myself down too. I feel like I shouldn't been on this site until I am absolutely ready to start. No more false blogs of starting back. I join challenges that I don't finish. I joined a 5K that I haven't even started training for.
I know quitting is stupid, but I don't know what else to do. I have tried to get back into it, but nothing seems to work. I need to just get my act together. Maybe I will find my "Spark" one day, but it just seems so far away. I hope you all reach your goals. Good luck.