Friday, September 16, 2011
Warning: this blog is completely muddled, and pretty much a stream-of-consciousness. I promise they'll be better in the future.
My summer of becoming healthy (obviously) was a failure. It was an awesome summer, don't get me wrong. I didn't become nearly as healthy-making as I'd wanted. My mental health has (though not perfectly) greatly improved, however, and at times I think that is more important than the physical aspects. At the same time, I relapsed on smoking yet again over the summer, and am now 4 weeks smoke-free again. With that came an extra 15 pounds, as of Wednesday. I had seen in myself that I'd gained weight, but I was truly afraid to see how much I'd gained until a couple of days ago. There are a possibility of many things causing the gain, though.
Yes, I stopped tracking. I thought that I was doing okay because my BF and I eat relatively healthily, and we've been lifting weights for a few months now. Turns out, I was totally wrong. I tracked today for the first time since May, and realized that I had stopped paying attention to drinks completely. I drank a cappuccino today, because I barely slept last night and I was super late this morning and exhausted. Tracking it, I saw that it was an extra 400 calories in my breakfast.
Of course, I've known all along that things like convenience store cappuccinos are full of sugar; it just didn't occur to me how much. (It should since those things are delicious and don't taste at all like coffee, but we all like to trick ourselves).
I've decided, though, that I have to do this, once and for all. It hit me like a punch in the face earlier this week, because my BF told me he is afraid I'm diabetic. I've been having wicked mood swings, and my mood is quickly leveled by eating. This scares me, because the one thing I told myself when I started trying to lose weight (4 years ago) was that I'd never get to the point of being diabetic. I'm in a situation now, where my BF and my mom want me to get blood sugar tests, and I'm terrified to see the numbers. I know I have to do it, though. I need to know for certain, especially because if my blood sugar isn't the problem with the mood swings, I really need to find out what is.
So here it goes. I'm going to take the next week (possibly two, if I really need it) to really get back on track with my food. I have a plan that throws into play such necessities as eating breakfast, writing grocery lists, cooking at home, and dealing with eating left-overs. (that was a HUGE problem over the summer) I am also going to start doing cardio regularly. BF and mom think that the weight lifting contributes greatly to my weight gain, but I think it's more to do with the lack of cardio, combined with eating like I was still doing cardio.
It's going to be rough, but I need to do this. I need to fight through the cravings and tears and stress and stop tricking myself into thinking it's okay for me to be this obese. What a dirty word that feels like...but I need to start being honest with myself. I am obese. In fact, according to the BMI, I am morbidly obese. Being fat enough that it can kill you isn't okay for anyone. Someone asked me kind of recently if I thought that I was killing myself slowly because I am too chicken to do it "fast and dirty." I never thought of it that way before, and I almost fear that somewhere inside me, it's the truth. I've been suicidal before, but always had something to keep me from going through with it. At the same time, those are the points where I really self-destruct and go on binges, stop exercising and start smoking all over again.
I can't do this anymore. It's time for some real change. I can't continue this slow suicide. Time to get real, and get healthy.