Friday, September 16, 2011
Hi Folks, for those of you who've known me for any length of time, you'll know, or have guessed--by my very absence, that I've been off my eating and exercise plan for awhile. About 6 weeks now, more or less. I had some health issues, family concerns, and other worries that I allowed to throw me into relapsing from the all important job of taking care of myself. When that happens--and oh yes, it's happened before, I usually stay away from SP due to an unhealthy mixture of guilt, shame and self-disgust. A really good friend on here calls me a "Flight Risk" and as much as that made me smile (thanks, Kate), I can't help but admit it's an apt title. Another good friend on here, after accepting my apologies for giving her a good scare with my being away so long without a word from me, wrote me a few things that really touched me, and gave me food for thought. I hope Di doesn't mind that I'm going to share those words here.
"But here is one thing I really, truly hope that you will make your goal for the rest of this year: and that is to STOP believing that you do not deserve to be here if you are doing poorly. When you are just maintaining along...not losing but just up and down a teeny bit...or losing well...you are on SP and active. The moment you fall into a 'relapse' (for lack of better term) you go away. And it is not because you think we'll throw you away, but because of some expectation you have of yourself that you are supposed to not ever do that. And I am here to tell you that just isn't true. You ALWAYS deserve to be here, you are always wanted here, everyone misses you when you're gone...and the absence has a way of feeding into that sense of self-loathing that makes it okay for you to keep in the relapse. I understand it-truly i do. But I would like for you to TRY next time you're in a full blown chocolate-pit to just stay here and see what happens."
These words really hit home--because I realised of course, that that's exactly what I always do. I do have these impossible self-expectations of perfection that are really just a perfect set-up for failure. No-one can be perfect all the time. I do know that, at least in my head I do, and when I see a friend slipping by the wayside, I'm the first one to tell her or him that no one gets it right all the time, and that THIS IS A PROCESS NOT AN EVENT, And I honestly, genuinely, truly believe that----when it applies to them, but somehow, when I start to falter, I never seem able to apply these affirmations to myself, but instead, just slink away to lick my own wounds. It's like a switch shuts down in my head and I turn myself OFF. That's it. Closed for business. Pull down the shades. Well, I want to change all that. I want to shut that switch off for good. I want to make myself open and available to all the help I can get.
I want to make a promise to myself -and to my dear friends, that I will honestly try and do just that. The next time I feel one of these funks coming on, and I start self-medicating with my drug of choice (chocolate, I know you can hear me) I promise to stay and "see what happens"...or as Kate also says..."Fake it until you can make it". And I will.
Thanks, friends, and I mean all of my friends here on SP, for always being there for me--even when I'm not there for myself. You are all simply THE BEST!