Thursday, September 15, 2011
I haven't blogged in what seems like ages. So much has gone on in my life lately that I felt I needed to write to one day remember this feeling and never come back to this dark place I've been in. I want to see myself the way my friends and family see me, not the pathetic woman I see myself as. I know it sounds horrible to say that about oneself, but this is the place I've sunk to.
A few month ago my husband decided he was no longer in love, but he cares for me. His words felt life a knife stabbing in my heart. We have two children and have been together for 16 years. I know we have had our ups and downs, but never did I expect to hear these words from him. Now I'm trying to get out of the dark hole i'm in. I stopped taking care of myself and have gained back 15lbs. The thought that I am not good enough keeps going through my head and I am really trying hard to squash it. I am feeling needy and starved for his attention which is were the pathetic thought comes from. I know all it does is push him further away. He says he feels confused and needs time away from our home to figure our what he wants. I need to give him the space he needs and some. I need to focus on my children and keeping my sanity.
Last night I read an passage from an inspirational text I received which read. "...Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5, NKJV) I decided that all this moping and self hatred needs to stop right now. He has made a decision that benefits his life and is being true to his heart. I need to do the same and accept his words as a passage to whatever it is God has planned for me. I choose to open the door to joy because I am loved by many and I have a purpose in this life.