Sunday, September 11, 2011
I've always been "not skinny"... now, looking back at old pictures of me from High School... when I thought that I was "FAT" I wish that I realized a little bit more what I really looked like, it must have actually been like a funny mirror, you know, like the ones in the Fun House? I never saw me as anything other than disgustingly fat. I remember feeling good in some of my outfits, and I remember feeling like I looked "pretty", but please... let's not confuse pretty for skinny. I think I was blessed with my mother's looks, and cursed with my father's metabolism. It's amazing that I can put on one outfit one day and feel amazing and then when the wind blows my t-shirt against my stomach I'm hoping that no one was around to see it hug to my muffin top.
I'm not reallly sure how I'm going to get over this, I'm realizing that maybe my weight is what has been preventing me from having a normal relationship with a guy that has a real job and goals in life... my sister called a guy the other day a "Chubby Chaser" lol... I laughed and said WHAT?!? lol She said, "Yeah, he's a guy that goes after girls who have low self-esteem because that way he basically feels better about himself." hmmm.... have I been settling for Chubby Chasers? My other sister went out to dinner with us the other night and laughed when I said I hoped to be married in the next 5 years... she said "you better get started, that seems a little fast?" .... I feel like my time to do these things is slipping away, everywhere I turn I hear about another friend getting married or having kids, and I feel like I'm stuck in neutral over here, in la la land... I'm getting really frustrated and I'm not sure what it's going to take to get me out of this funk, but I was looking at some of my Spark pictures and realized... I wasn't always in this funk, and I'm only ten pounds from feeling "okay" again... so I need to stick with it.
I gained a half of a pound this week, but there are far worse things in life than gaining a half of a pound. I don't think it's so much the weight that I gained, as much as looking in that funny mirror again and not being able to let the pretty out anymore... I just feel exhausted. It's very hard, and extremely lonely right now, but I just don't have the time to waste or the money to spend to have any kind of a social life right now. My phone rings 15 times a day with bill collectors, and my Dad and Mom just keep handing me money like it's going out of style. Maybe if I can lose a couple of pounds this week, (2-3) and get my financial aid award letter figured out, I can pull myself up by my boot straps.
I feel like if one more person tells me, "You can do it!" ... that I may punch them. I don't know why, but I just feel like there's no way that people can understand, unless they are standing in my shoes. Things could be worse, I see that there's an upward trend... but I don't want to be a crazy cat lady when I'm 35 and sometimes I feel like time is just slipping through my fingers...