Wednesday, September 07, 2011
I don't know why I hate my family so much. I know HATE is a strong word. But I don't mean to actually HATE my family. Is just to describe how Angry I am at them. So It doesn't even matter I have family. I don't want to be near them. I need time off from them. I know this is Sparks People. And this is like the 578693 time I've came back, still being fat... I still weigh 204. I know that I have achieved something due to the fact that I was 233 before. And somehow I have managed to keep that weigh off. Although I did go back up to 214 but Now I'm back at 204. So I dont know if I will be able to do more this time. I mean I can't seem to go down more weight. Something is stopping me, and I'm done with that. I don't know why I cant seem to go down more, but I am mad at myself for trying "not trying hard enough." So I came back hoping I will do it this time.
So I recently enrolled in a community college to get my GED. Since I never got my high school diploma. So I am so ready to get this out of the way. I don't know what is more important to me, my GED or my health and fitness. I guess I have to choose GED. and somehow manage to get my fitness in during the day. I am just going to stay away from my family. and dedicate myself more and only to #1 my daughter, #2 School, and #3 those together and fitness and health incorporated everyday. I see it hard to do, but I'm done being scared of lazy. I'm going to show myself that I can do it, that I can do it by myself. SO my family can see that I did something they thought I couldnt do.. Because my own sister put in a bet that I would'nt be able to do it. So I wont even show her that she was right. I'm going to show MYSELF that she was wrong.
This is going to be a challenge for me, but I know I can do it.. even if i fall out of the wagon, I know I will get back on.
Something inside me still wishes I had a nice strong bonded family though. They don't understand me or how I have blue days sometimes. Some worse than others... Especially the time during PMS. I actually did go to the doctor for a check up... He said I have had depression for a long time and that I need to see a psychologist also he said I have anxiety so he gave me medication for that.. Which I never went to the pharmacy to get because I've been like this for so long I thought I could handle on my own, and fix it some other way. Sometimes i do think i should get it though. Cuz' there is days when I feel im going to lose it. but i manage to go through those days. Never went to the psychologist because I D K. But I am managing to get through this.
I am done feeling like this. Especially towards my family. and towards myself. So I'm going to take a break from them and from my feelings. I am going to dedicate myself to just 3 things. and thats it. I will get somewhere. I want to be proud of myself and things I accomplish.