Putting it all out there for the world to see

Sunday, September 04, 2011

It's been almost two years since I've joined Spark People. That being said I'm totally ashamed of my weight loss progress. A lot has changed in my life since I joined Spark People but one thing that hasn't is my weight.

When I started SP I was at my heaviest and I felt awful about it. I had already started going to the gym but I wasn't actually getting anything accomplished. Then I joined SP; it took a little bit to get going but then I found a great support group on here and I actually made progress. By Thanksgiving I was down a pant size and almost 10 pounds.

I fell off the wagon in December; between finals, holidays, and adjusting to my work schedule I stopped going to the gym. I told myself that I would start back up as soon as I was done with finals.

Finals came and went and the gym that I was a member of was by school and that was a thirty minute drive and it's cold and blah blah blah.... I wasn't going consistently anymore.

Then we sold our condo. Who would have thought that a condo that sat on the market for two years without any offers would get two offers on the same day. So now we have to pack, find a place to live, and juggle school and work. Okay so we aren't eating great but it's not bad and I'm not going to the gym but I sure am running around a lot and I'm not really putting on weight either.

I cancel my gym membership since our new apartments have an "awesome gym" so I'll no longer have to drive to the gym great. We adopt a dog and I'm walking him all the time so I loose a couple more pounds. Problem is I'm miserable when it comes to school and the new job that I thought was going to be great. I'm having a really hard time juggling it all. To be honest by the end of April or so I was doing a lot of crying. I had some unbearable co workers and professor that weren't used to students who worked to support themselves. I was behind in school and miserable all around.

I did manage to get some bike rides in that summer. Not a lot but I did ride the Trek Across Maine and did so in a respectable fashion. I jogged with the pup and tried to get my life back in order. I planned on going back to school that fall.

September came and the prospects of staying in school, going hugely into debt, and hating every second of it for the next 2-3 years was not appealing to me. I withdrew from the class, planning on going back for the Spring semester and figuring things out.

I was only working part time. Top it off it was second shift and totally drained me to the point that I didn't want to move most days. That amazing gym at our apartments never saw me more than twice and since we now trusted the dog off leash jogging didn't really happen and walks were less structured. Weight started to creep back and I got more jiggly.

I started job hunting, I applied to quite a few and oddly enough ended up staying with the company that I had already been working at. I started at the end of December and was able to get a full time position by working a combination of first and second shift. The schedule is a little rough sometimes but it's only a matter of time until I'm all on one of the shifts.

Summer came and I'm barely riding my bike. I love the dog but he has pretty massive separation anxiety. Since we live in an apartment we can't just let him bark a few times and hope he starts to get better or used to it. That means when I'm riding my bike I'm alone. I hate riding alone, especially when I'm not in the best of shape and have no one to push me. It's so easy to just not pedal as hard if you start to feel tiered. So I wasn't really active; yes I rode the Trek Across Maine again but it hardly felt like it was respectable. I finished but I considered giving up multiple times and couldn't enjoy it b/c I was so out of shape.

I said I would start in August, that I would loose at least 5 pounds each month that way I could not be obese on my 25th birthday, and although I logged into SP many days I didn't do much other then log in and spin the wheel. I keep putting it off, I'm in this rut and although I tell myself I want to get out of it I haven't done anything about it. Heck , I've even put off writing this blog for at least a month. I know it's time for things to change. I need them to change sooner rather than later. I don't want to be obese for my 25th birthday.

For some reason I never wanted to admit to anyone these reasons for wanting to loose weight but here it goes (besides if you got this far into my blog entry you deserve to get some insider knowledge into why I want to loose weight)

I want to be able to wear any wedding dress I please, for that matter I want to be able to try on sample dresses. I don't care that I'm not engaged yet and that we probably won't have a wedding where I get to wear a big poofy dress I want to be able to try on which ever one I please.

I don't want to be the fat American when we travel abroad. Now that the boyfriend has a job with an international company and traveling seems like it's going to happen I don't want to be that stereotype.

I don't want to be 200+ pounds when I'm pregnant. I just don't want to worry about being heavy and then putting on more weight.

If I loose the weight now I'm less likely to need fertility drugs. The less needles I have to deal with the happier I'll be.

So with all that said I really need to figure things out. I'm trying to budget joining a gym again because I feel like I was the most sane when I got my time at the gym. We're also getting an exercise bike that we're going to have at home. I'm going to figure out how to pack all my meals and snacks again too.

Most of all, if anyone is still reading this, I need a buddy. I've felt alone and like a failure so much through this process and my coping mechanism has been to run away. Is anybody willing to help me out?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You've made a ton of changes, good bad and otherwise, but the next step is making some changes for yourself. Even one change, like trying to get 5-7 servings of veggies a day, can make you feel more in control and healthier, and that can help you build to bigger goals. Good luck!
    2353 days ago
    Wow. I felt like I was reading my own story! I, too, started my weight loss journey about 2 years ago. Every day is a struggle for me...every day I find more excuses...every day I think that it will be a new beginning. I have hit my reset button so many times I think I broke it! But that's just it - I do want to press that button - I don't want to give up (like I have so many times in the past). I am here for you! I don't know how much of a "buddy" I can be for you via the internet/sparkpeople...but count me in :) Let me know how I can help you!!! *HUGS* ~Susie
    2356 days ago
    I wish I could be that buddy for you, but my own time and commitment on Spark has been limited lately. I like Chocaholic's suggestion of joining a team challenge. I know my commitment to my team during a challenge definitely helped me stay focused and committed. I did not wan to let my team down and it helped me get out of my comfort zone.
    2356 days ago
    emoticon That's a LOT of change lady! Don't give up on yourself, ya hear me? You CAN do this - you've already proven that, you just need to come up with strategies for when life throws you curve balls. Just take it one day at a time.
    2356 days ago
    My goodness Kim you have been going through a lot!! It sounds like you have a good plan in place emoticon

    Sometimes you will have to make some hard badly do you want it? What can you really commit to? 30min a day too much? Aim for 20?

    Now if it all seems overwhelming start with baby steps. Post why you want to lose the weight somewhere you can see it so it can be a constant source of motivation. I'd be happy to be a buddy, have you joined other teams also? Joined a challenge? I found you through the Leaving 170-ville thread...try posting in daily:) emoticon
    2357 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.