Thursday, September 01, 2011
I'm not sure what happened exactly. I was moving through my days with practically "the eye of the tiger" song proceding me. And then, anxiety hit, again. BIG TIME. And I spent the next week or so in a ativan induced haze so I could cope, and do things, like go to work, and not cry there all day.
So, as I've heard it put, the hierarchy of my needs shifted, I went into survival mode, survival mode, isn't really worried about diets or working out. Survival mode, truly is content with a fast food cheeseburger, and it doesn't think twice about it.
I made the appointments one is supposed to make, and then I decided to try seeing a therapist. Again. I have accrued somehow, a lot of therapy horror stories, and it's hard when it's mental health, because one begins to question, is it them or me...maybe I am delusional. But...I have some pretty conclusive evidence that I'm not crazy on this point, and that I've seen some pretty strange koo-koo for coco puffs types.
The first visit got me thinking about school years, and it finally occurred to me, that I was bullied. Or rather, that's what my mind thinks about it. I always think of bullying as being pummeled in the back of the schoolyard, but....9 years of being teased, ridiculed, and a few bruises incurred, and comparing that with the symptoms of bullying, I was decidedly of the bullied. There's this whole interesting concept called "learned helplessness" where you think you simply aren't adequate or competant. And after reading up on it, I was able to see where those threads of thinking and acting were running rampant. And that was SO much easier to try and correct, then simply thinking at myself "you need to have more confidence" "be more confident" now I can say "this isn't school, use your words" and speak up a little more then I could before.
That was helpful.
Now we are working on self-esteem. The word acceptance was used very heavily in this conversation. And I have yet to find it in myself to be able to accept me. Or rather, I'm so convinced that the world has a problem with image and appearance, that I can't accept, the lack of acceptance around me. Or what I think it is...or may be. I started doing some research on image/body dysmorphia, and I do exhibit a lot of those things, but...I don't think I can be convinced at this point that what I think is defective, isn't. I'm pretty certain that what I see in the mirror that I don't like...is unlikeable. ....so is it dysmorphia or reality? Hard to know.
Working on self esteem makes me feel more anxious, and sort of sick to my stomach. Because I have to think about it more, and it's something I think about, truly all the time, every day, but I don't try and analyze it this much, I don't tackle it and try to make it change. All this focus, makes me feel a little sick to my stomach, and angry, and like I can't change at all.
And the sick feeling, doesn't seem as strong when I'm distracted by food. There's some crazy binging going on here. And I know it's not proactive, but I'm waiting for it to pass. Like the strong anxiety passes eventually, like moods pass eventually. I keep thinking things will calm down, it will pass...right?