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    WRITERGIRLMEL   16,422
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Of Failure


Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Well, here I am. The day I said Iíd be 50 pounds lighter than I was at the beginning of this journey. And guess what. Iím not. In fact, Iím a whole one tenth of a pound lighter. So instead of counting down the days until my husband comes home by going out and buying a new outfit without all the usual restrictions, Iím staring at my closet trying to figure out what I can wear that he a) hasnít seen a dozen times already, b) covers my upper arms and belly roll, c) is conducive to chasing an active 2-year-old around the airport when we have to wait for his flight, and d) isnít hotter than the hinges on the gates of hell all while trying not to cry about the fact that my husband -- already a good 8-9 inches taller and 10 pounds lighter than me -- always comes back from deployment about 30 pounds lighter than he was when he left (despite all the boxes of junk food I send him).

This time, I didnít want to walk through the airport with part of my mind wondering if people are looking at him thinking ďWhatís he doing with that fatty?Ē or looking at me thinking ďTypical military wife. Fat and lazy.Ē (I wonít even get into my personal rant on that.) I didnít want that special moment when the little dude is finally tucked into his bed to be overshadowed by the body image issues that have plagued me for the past decade. When Iím more worried about the lighting and the dimples on my butt than the fact that my husband has been away too long to care about them. But I guess we donít always get what we want.

What I hate most is the complete sense of failure I feel. I remember the first time I lost a significant amount of weight. It started on my birthday in 2003. Yes, I said my birthday. I was born in early summer, and my birthday happened to be the first day of the year that the temperature caused shorts to veer from acceptable to mandatory. I pulled on my favorite shorts from the year before. They didnít fit. I pulled on another pair. They didnít fit either. And so on until I got up to my designated ďfat shorts.Ē Those didnít fit either. I was officially bigger than Iíd ever been, and I called my mom in tears. I started the Weight Watchers program that day -- yes, birthday cake, homemade ice cream, and all -- and ended up losing about 45 pounds over the course of about 6 months. I wish I could figure out why I canít seem to do that again. Iíve been trying to lose these 50 pounds for over 2 years. TWO YEARS.

What is so different? Ten years ago, I started a weight loss plan on my birthday and managed to stick to it until the job was done. (I didnít derail myself again until I got a little too comfortable after marrying my husband. Losing our first baby and dealing with our first deployment as a married couple soon after probably didnít help either.) Now, Iím lucky if I can stick with it for a week. I can think of plenty of ďreasonsĒ I get derailed. Some are legit, and some probably land more in the territory of ďexcuses.Ē Iím sure there are people who would disagree with me about which are which. Some people seem to think anything is just an excuse. I tend to disagree. I think the difference, like beauty, lies in the beholder. What is a minor setback to someone might be a major struggle for someone else.


So here I am. Square one. Again. Body image issues, self-esteem issues, belly rolls and all. Will it be the last time? I donít know. Guess I need to figure that out.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
MORTICIAADDAMS 9/1/2011 4:02PM

    Your problem is that you need to learn to love yourself where you are at now not where you feel you should be. I'm sure your hubby will just be glad to be with you again and though you would like to be perfect for him, there is no perfect. As you grow old together warts and wrinkles will appear. Things will sag. Hair will disappear and grow in places you don't want. All of this will be ignored because true love is bigger than all of that. You are not a failure. There is no time limit on realizing our dreams.

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CATHYGETSFIT 9/1/2011 2:15AM

    I'm glad to see you back Mel! I was just thinking about you yesterday and wondering how you were doing.

I've been on SP for two & a half years now and haven't managed to lose the 40 pounds I need / want to lose. Not because I'm not doing what I need to do but for many other reasons. So, please know that you are not a failure. I know that you care more about your weight and how you look more than your husband does. That's the way it is with most couples. Just take baby steps towards what you need to do to get to where you need. Focus on one thing for a while so that you can get used to doing that. Maybe focus on no sweets or maybe focus on going for a walk with Toby every day. Then after you've been doing that for a month or more then add something else to your focus.

I'm here if you need someone to talk to. You can do this!!

emoticon emoticon

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SURENDERISNOTME 9/1/2011 12:53AM

    Mel, I have missed you along with the others here! You have a full plate right now with your DH coming home. I do hope that you will consider coming back to the challenges after you have had sometime for your family settling back in. Remember though if you need someone to talk to or just someone that will listen. I am here and you don't have to be on a BSG team for that.

HUGS
Debbie

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BARBIE176 8/31/2011 9:59PM

    I am so sorry to hear that you haven't met your goals, but I know that your hubby will be so happy to see you. He loves you just the way you are. I pray that your reunion will be awesome and once you settle back into the routine of being a family unit again, I am sure you will get back on track. I too have missed you on the challenges, but I know that they can be overwhelming. However, they have become much less stressful with the new outline that Sheila has outlined above and you only ever have to do what you can do. I have found that on every team I have been on we are there to support all of our teammates irregardless of how much or how little they can contribute. If you still feel like they would be overwhelming, maybe you can find one or two spark friends who will be there to help you along the way.

This summer I have tried focusing on one thing, exercise, and by doing that I have become really consistent with that and have managed 1500 minutes each of the last two months. When I get back I want to work on nutrition while not letting fitness slide either. Maybe you can come up with something like that wthat will help you.

I pray the best for you in your reunion with your hubby and I would live to walk your journey with you if you want a friend. Sending love and hugs!
I've missed you on the challenges. They've been cut back quite a bit so you might want to check the newest one out. We basically keep track of fitness, one aspect of health/nutrition, write a blog and respond to one another's blogs each week. We dropped reading articles, doing the trivia quiz and some other things.
Please know that you are NOT a failure - failures don't care and your caring shines through every word you wrote.
You can do this - one ounce at a time!
I'm here to support and encourage you whenever you need me! Don't hesitate to let me know when you need a pat on the back or a kick in the butt

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48MYYEAR2014 8/31/2011 4:20PM

    hi we have`nt "met" but i was on a plateau for months until i joined this team, but since i did i have achieved so much, i have made so many good friends and got back on track in so many ways i am sure if you commit yourself to one month of challenges on the a&i team it could help you too, do`nt worry we have all been in your situation you will pull through emoticon YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE

Comment edited on: 8/31/2011 4:29:07 PM

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JAKEANDNELLIE 8/31/2011 10:20AM

    Hi~
I've missed you on the challenges. They've been cut back quite a bit so you might want to check the newest one out. We basically keep track of fitness, one aspect of health/nutrition, write a blog and respond to one another's blogs each week. We dropped reading articles, doing the trivia quiz and some other things.
Please know that you are NOT a failure - failures don't care and your caring shines through every word you wrote.
You can do this - one ounce at a time!
I'm here to support and encourage you whenever you need me! Don't hesitate to let me know when you need a pat on the back or a kick in the butt!
Sheila

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WRITERGIRLMEL 8/31/2011 9:48AM

    Toby is doing great. He started daycare a couple of mornings a week last week, and he loves it. It also helps me take a little time for myself. The people who work at his center were amazed that I'd done almost all of a deployment without leaving him with anyone ever. It doesn't seem like a big deal to me. I'm more lost without him than frazzled with him.

My husband comes home "soon." That's about as specific as I can get. The last care package was sent and received awhile back. If I'm lucky, I might be able to meet my first mini-mini goal by the time he comes home. That will help me feel better.

I thought about getting back into the BSG challenges, but I think it's a little much for me to handle right now. I'm slowly realizing that I can easily feel overwhelmed with accountability, and since we have a lot of things going on in the next few months (homecoming, travel over leave, toilet teaching, NaNoWriMo, etc -- not in that particular order), I think the BSG challenge might do me more harm than good.

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NICKI109 8/31/2011 9:10AM

    Hi Mel, so glad to see you back on! I've been exactly where you are, well not in seeing my husband come home from deployment, but in the weight battle and going back and forth. Heres the positive, you are still trying. You seem to have accepted that you want to lose the weight. Its hard to get on board 100%. We are here if you need help! Start by doing one thing, like maybe exercising for 10 min a day, and build up from that. Start small and build on to that. You can do it, I know you can. We are just starting up the September Buddy Support Group in A&I if you want to join us. We would love to have you there.

PS. How is Toby? And when does your hubby come home again?

~Hugs

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