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I'm scared- this is a VERY difficult blog to post!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Okay Spark Friends. I want to apologize ahead of time. This is NOT a happy blog. And I NEED to get this off my chest but I can't tell anyone I know in "real life" if you know what I mean.

I'm terrified out of my mind right now. I am now 8 weeks pregnant and I am realizing that I really really really don't want another baby! I know it's a HORRIBLE time to realize this, after the baby has been conceived! My husband and I talked it over... and I thought it was what I wanted. Well, I sorta knew all along that I was fine with the two kids I already had. But I felt that my husband REALLY wanted another and I want to make him happy. So I figured it wouldn't be so bad. And besides, I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which makes conception more difficult. However, what I didn't realize was that losing 127 pounds made my body extremely healthy and thus more accepting of conception. I told my husband we would "try" to conceive until I was 34. After that, I felt I was too old to be having children. It's not worth the "over 35" risks to me. I have 2 beautiful healthy children and I was fine with that. And honestly, I didn't think I would get pregnant. I have a history of not ovulating regularly. And I always ovulate from the left side. And it's always painful. Well, guess what? I'm healthy now, and I ovulated from the right side and I never felt it. And here I am... 8 weeks along.

I was so upset the other night that I couldn't even sleep. I cried for 2 hours. Thankfully my husband woke up so we could talk about it. I told him I was scared that I would always look at this baby as the "child I didn't want." And just now, I was thinking about how I really don't want to be pregnant. And the reasons are fairly simple and extremely selfish, which makes this whole situation ever worse!

See, as much as I love my husband, I have to tell you, he is super lazy. He owns a very busy restaurant and bar and he works his ass off every day. But at home, he doesn't do crap! I have to beg and plead to get him to fix things around the house. His idea of interacting with our baby is to hold her while he sleeps in a chair or to lay on the floor and doze while she crawls all over him. It pisses me off to no end and I know that when the baby gets here I will have twice as much work as I do now! I do everything for Lorelei and soon I will have to do everything for Lorelei and for the baby. And I don't feel right asking my teenager to do all kinds of things for the little ones... they aren't *her* babies! My husband also weighs just over 400 pounds and I know this is his problem. I don't believe in my heart that he's happy with his lack of participation in our kid's lives. But yet, he does nothing to remedy the problem, even after watching me lose so much weight.

SIGH

The other problem is that I worked SO HARD to lose 127 pounds and now I am going to gain. I know, I know, I did it before I can do it again, but DAMMIT I don't WANT to do it again, you know? That thought makes me sick! I also know "it for a good reason" and all the other reasons anyone could give, but it doesn't change the fact that I DO NOT want to gain weight back. I was working on ME. I was becoming a healthy woman, wife and mother. I was happy.

And now... I'm just not. I'm not happy at all. Now, could this just be hormones? Lord, I hope so! But what if it's not? What if I truly don't want this baby? What the hell am I going to do? This is absolutely the worst I have ever felt in my life. I mean, I want desperately to love this baby growing inside me because he/she is a product of the love I share with my husband... but I just can't bring myself to be happy about this. And I'm terrified that I won't be able to! And what if this turns into my inability to bond with my baby when he/she is born! I can't even bear that thought! I told my husband that the other night and he told me that would never happen because I "don't know how not to love." But I'm scared to death!

I just do not know what to do. I mean, I do know what to do... I have to ride this out and try my best to be positive and just accept this. I am going to be a mom of 3 and it's going to mean I'm going to have some very difficult years ahead of me. But I just want to be happy about it. I just don't know HOW to be happy about it!

Sorry to be so down, but I had to get this out...
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLAHNIK27 8/29/2011 10:14PM

    I had lost 120 pounds when i found out i was pregnant with my daughter- and i was devasted that i would have to gain back some of the weight i worked so hard to lose. Not only do we give up everything for 10 months while being pregnant, the sacrafices keep on coming when they are born- but just take a look at that beautiful little girl you have and remember how you felt the first time she smiled or giggled- how all the sleepless nights suddenly becamse worth it. You will feel the exact same joy when your new bub comes along- i promise!
And talk to your hubby- tell him he needs to get hus butt into gear, because with two small little ones, you really will need support. Sometimes you really do need to nag- and while i get tired of telling my husband what to do around here, i really believe they just don't see what needs to get done... just like they can't multi-task! I guess that's why we are the mumma's :)


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AMEDEAU 8/29/2011 4:44PM

    That's a difficult place to be in right now. I wish you the best, and I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

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SEESTARS 8/29/2011 4:38PM

    Such a difficult situation! But you are a strong woman to have already lost 127 pounds. You will love this baby when it arrives and you will find the way to get those prego pounds lost, too.

As for husbands! humf! Mine is really bad too (hard worker at work, lump around the house), and we don't even have kids! Just two dogs. LOL. I've been making progress by explaining to him that I CAN'T be expected to do EVERYTHING to care for us and fur babies. And that his helping out has a HUGE impact on my overall happiness/stress. That is important to my husband and we are working on building positive habits and attitudes toward houseowork. But for the time being it is another chore for me to keep track up and doesn't really reduce my overall work. But someday... someday...

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MINDA31807 8/29/2011 1:06PM

    emoticon Hang in there. It does suck to have lost all of that weight and then have no choice but to gain some, yes, some of it back. Even if you gained what you did with your other pregnancies it will be less then what you have lost so far. This time around your body is healthier, you will be able to be more active and get right back on the wagon to getting the baby weight right off again.
In your blog you say you do everything for your teenager, time to delegate some tasks to her. It will help her be more independent and free up some of your time. It doesn't have to be baby related stuff, just making dinner once a week, or doing her own laundry.
Keep talking to your husband, make sure he knows that a third child will mean he needs to make more of an effort at home to help you. Be it watching the kids or doing some chores. (Tip: Men rarely do things to a womens' standard, but it is like exercise some is better than none)

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KANSASROSE67 8/29/2011 12:34PM

    I feel you are doing the right thing by reaching out for help. I think your feelings are perfectly understandable and you don't need to be ashamed of them. But I also think that you don't need to worry that you won't bond with this baby or love him/her. Yes, things won't always be easy, but those years of babyhood do fly by and before you know it, you'll have more time for yourself. Best wishes to you.

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CMPEARL 8/29/2011 10:30AM

    emoticon ...will email you later because I know my ramble will be a looong one. I just wanted to let you know I'm here emoticon

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CMCLAIRE 8/29/2011 5:15AM

    Oh, I'm so sorry you're feeling upset about this. I hope that you can talk with someone who can help you to work these feelings out.

Cxx

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CATS_MEOW_0911 8/29/2011 1:30AM

    I wish I had a good answer for you...I hope you can find peace with the situation. You are entitled to all of these feelings you are having, but as others suggested, maybe talking to a counselor, perhaps recommended by your OB, would help.
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DAWNFIRE72 8/28/2011 11:50PM

    I came across your blog from a mutual friend's feed and I want to let you know that you are NOT alone in these feelings.

I will share my own story with you to give you some perspective (not a lecture). I was 16 and found myself pregnant and of course the "Daddy" left me high and dry. To cut it short I put that baby up for adoption. Then I married the man of my dreams and we said we didn't want kids EVER. I found myself pregnant after having my very badly infected wisdom teeth removed when I was 23. I didn't want the baby but my husband convinced me that while it wasn't in our life plans that we should roll with it and I hid the pregnancy just as ashamed at 23 as I was at 16 to find myself pregnant and not really wanting the baby. Fast forward to being 39 and the mom of 2 great girls aged 16 and 13. I wouldn't trade either for the world. I didn't bond with my oldest while I was pregnant but I found that once she was in my arms I couldn't imagine life without her.

I am assuming by the tone of your blog that terminating the pregnancy is not an option (not advocating this as a solution just making an observation). Perhaps talking to a councilor or your family doctor about your fears is a good idea. I really hope you find a solution to your emotional pain and I hope that things turn out the way you want. emoticon

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HOWDOIHEARTTHEE 8/28/2011 11:23PM

    emoticon It is understandable to be nervous and have doubts...but know that everything happens for a reason...I truly believe that...I am 47 and I would love a baby! I only had one. I wish I had been blessed with another. emoticon

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LINDAGRAVEL 8/28/2011 10:24PM

    Will be praying you find the right answers for you.

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JULIA1154 8/28/2011 10:18PM

  That's a terribly difficult situation, isn't it. I agree with Musicmom, above. Just be sure to choose said professional very carefully. emoticon

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WONDERBUG381 8/28/2011 10:11PM

    First of all BIG BUG HUGS for you. It takes real courage for you to post a blog like this. I wont try and tell you what to do or how you should feel, but i can see where you are coming from. You have worked so hard and have been through a lot so it is scary. Now the hubby situation i can say i know how you feel. my hubby was over 600 lbs when our 3rd child was born and i didn't get much help. Then he got on a C-pap machine and had gastric-bypass surgery and it has made a huge difference. As far as you not loving your baby when it is born i don't believe that will happen. Again BIG HUGS and good luck to you
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MUSICMOMOF2 8/28/2011 10:05PM

    Oh sweetie. I honestly don't know what to say. Maybe you could talk with a professional and get all these feelings out. I hope that everything works out for you.

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