Tuesday, August 23, 2011
After working back to back 16hour shifts I finally have some down time. I am sore. I am tired. And I am truly emotionally exhausted. I had to finally delete my email account that I had since the internet started to stop the hate emails that I was receiving from Joe. I already feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I wish that my blood pressure would go down. The heat today is too hot for walking so I am stuck indoors waiting for the sun to go down.
Lonliness is different than alone. I will have boughts of lonliness but the longer I stay single the longer the bouts come. I was single for 14 years so I am no stranger to either state of being.
I miss being in a marriage. I miss being in a relationship. I really miss the companionship. But I have to deal with the emotional trauma that Ed put me through compounded by the emotional rape that Joe did before I can even begin to think about attempting to date again.
I look at the date sites and I am truly disheartened. After my encounter with Joe I look at men through different eyes. Joe was truly predatory and I was very easy prey.
I know I will learn to intermingle again...but trust? That is a different animal.
Wish I could find my little stairstepper but my whole life has been in storage for so very long. I feel that my life has existed by OPW (other people's whims).
I am still trying to figure out how to eat. I have had eggplant and water today...so it is a start.
MAN I AM CRAVING SPAGHETTI SQUASH!