Tuesday, August 23, 2011
My weight has been fluctuating between 174 and 176 lbs for the last week. I know it is normal, I should not worry about this and keep doing what I am doing. I gain weight mostly around my belly, the problem of being an anxious person. So I measured my waist and I am not gaining weight around my belly, in fact, is slowly decreasing. I know I should not obsess about this. However, my need to be perfect is haunting me. The nirvana fallacy attacks me everyday and sometimes stops me from doing anything.
I feel like I need to be perfect because of my deep fear of being rejected. When I was a child people around me, including my mother, used to say I was ugly and many many times I felt rejected. I was extremely smart, that was one thing that everybody seemed to unanimously agree with. I could not be pretty but I was smart. I went through life pushing myself to a higher education so people would accept me.
Last year I finished my PhD in Astrophysics. Many people, who I talk to, do not know what Astrophysics really means but they know it means being smart. However, I feel miserable about it. In my mind my PhD thesis was far from being perfect and I did not deserve the degree. I feel I am unable to move forward with my life. Nowadays I feel I am not smart and I fear that sooner or later people will find it out. I am so so afraid of being rejected. I feel like I have nothing to offer.
I know it is silly. I know I am wrong, thinking like this, dismissing anything in the real world because in my mind I compare it to an unrealistic and perfect alternative. It is a logic error. I am not perfect, in fact, nobody is.
So what if my weight is not going down? I should be patient and keep doing what I am doing and try to move forward. Keep in mind that I am not perfect and I may not be the best but I am resilient and strong.
Then I went jogging... I ran for about 2 miles without stopping.
I know I am not there yet but I can already see the changes in my body when I look at myself in the mirror. For me, this is not just about losing weight. It's about moving forward, being patient, loving myself and finding peace and contentment in every moment of my life. Seeing every step for what it is and above all being patient is the key for me to realize that I can do this.
Sometimes, I close my eyes and I imagine myself with less 10, 20... 50 lbs When I open my eyes again, the 10 to 50 lbs are still there and I am disappointed with myself.
So I try to I imagine myself to be one of my friends. I always try to be patient, understandable and encourage my friends to follow their dreams. If one of my friends would tell me they would like to lose weight, I would encourage them to be patient, to take one step at a time, to follow a healthy diet and to work out instead of expecting them to do the impossible. So why do I expect myself to do the impossible and to be perfect? If all have I done is to close my eyes, what am I expecting to happen? Some kind of magic that will make 10-50 lbs of my body mass to vanish?
I am taking the right steps and I can do this. The only thing that is in my way is my need to be perfect, my fear of being rejected. The good new is I can not change reality but I can change the way I look at it. I am not perfect and I will never be. What's the fun in being perfect anyway?