I am not perfect.

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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

My weight has been fluctuating between 174 and 176 lbs for the last week. I know it is normal, I should not worry about this and keep doing what I am doing. I gain weight mostly around my belly, the problem of being an anxious person. So I measured my waist and I am not gaining weight around my belly, in fact, is slowly decreasing. I know I should not obsess about this. However, my need to be perfect is haunting me. The nirvana fallacy attacks me everyday and sometimes stops me from doing anything.

I feel like I need to be perfect because of my deep fear of being rejected. When I was a child people around me, including my mother, used to say I was ugly and many many times I felt rejected. I was extremely smart, that was one thing that everybody seemed to unanimously agree with. I could not be pretty but I was smart. I went through life pushing myself to a higher education so people would accept me.

Last year I finished my PhD in Astrophysics. Many people, who I talk to, do not know what Astrophysics really means but they know it means being smart. However, I feel miserable about it. In my mind my PhD thesis was far from being perfect and I did not deserve the degree. I feel I am unable to move forward with my life. Nowadays I feel I am not smart and I fear that sooner or later people will find it out. I am so so afraid of being rejected. I feel like I have nothing to offer.

I know it is silly. I know I am wrong, thinking like this, dismissing anything in the real world because in my mind I compare it to an unrealistic and perfect alternative. It is a logic error. I am not perfect, in fact, nobody is.

So what if my weight is not going down? I should be patient and keep doing what I am doing and try to move forward. Keep in mind that I am not perfect and I may not be the best but I am resilient and strong.

Then I went jogging... I ran for about 2 miles without stopping.

I know I am not there yet but I can already see the changes in my body when I look at myself in the mirror. For me, this is not just about losing weight. It's about moving forward, being patient, loving myself and finding peace and contentment in every moment of my life. Seeing every step for what it is and above all being patient is the key for me to realize that I can do this.

Sometimes, I close my eyes and I imagine myself with less 10, 20... 50 lbs When I open my eyes again, the 10 to 50 lbs are still there and I am disappointed with myself.

So I try to I imagine myself to be one of my friends. I always try to be patient, understandable and encourage my friends to follow their dreams. If one of my friends would tell me they would like to lose weight, I would encourage them to be patient, to take one step at a time, to follow a healthy diet and to work out instead of expecting them to do the impossible. So why do I expect myself to do the impossible and to be perfect? If all have I done is to close my eyes, what am I expecting to happen? Some kind of magic that will make 10-50 lbs of my body mass to vanish?

I am taking the right steps and I can do this. The only thing that is in my way is my need to be perfect, my fear of being rejected. The good new is I can not change reality but I can change the way I look at it. I am not perfect and I will never be. What's the fun in being perfect anyway?

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    You are amazing!
    2365 days ago
    2365 days ago
    Thanks for sharing! I know it's hard to be patient with the pounds! I would love to see mine falling off faster too, but we have to remember this is a life long journey. We are on our way to a healthier self! Hang in there and appreciate the small, subtle changes.
    2365 days ago
    I know what astrophysics is because I love science fiction! But what I actually do is psychotherapy, so I gotta tell you the only thing that is really wrong with you is a negative and false self-image! Believe it or not, you can work on that just the same way you work on the lifestyle changes to lose weight. You are not a fraud!!! You have a mean, lying, creepy little gremlin in your head telling you negative stuff. You can tame and convert that critter to a supportive voice. Might want to look for some stuff on self esteem on SparkPeople. The Spark has a lot of good stuff in it about self esteem. Hang in there! You are brilliant and beautiful! emoticon
    2365 days ago
    Instead of looking at how much weight you still want to loose, you need to focus on how much progress you have already made. You ran two miles without stopping! emoticon Also if you are loosing inches and not weight, you are most likely gaining muscle! Which is so much better for you in the long run! Muscle helps you loose fat. Since muscle weighs more than fat, you might be like me and begin to gain weight. Believe me it is no fun to see the scale start to climb back up, but when you see the inches fall off and your clothes fall off, it is! So just keep going and moving forward, you are doing amazing! And as far as you being perfect, you are the perfect version of you! No one is "perfect" because society has an idea of what perfect is and it is unattainable! Just remember no one can be a better you than you! emoticon
    2365 days ago
    “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”.......Anna Quindien

    You are doing an amazing job of taking care of yourself. Congratulations! emoticon
    2365 days ago
    Hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself. I think people think if they lose weight their life would greatly improve...don't waste today thinking about tomorrow because you'll miss out on your life!
    2365 days ago
    I totally get what you are saying. I may not have a degree in Astrophysics but I have always considered myself very logical and smart. I teach math to middle schoolers now and have always had a mind for how to do things more efficiently. I have also had the perfectionist curse following me throughout my life and it is a bear to live with. I constantly have to remind myself that if I am doing my best, then it must be good enough!

    Be kind to you!
    2374 days ago
    Thank you for sharing. I think that many of us think that we are frauds in some way or another when in fact we are very capable and what we do is of a high standard. Be kind to yourself. Tell yourself the nice supportive stuff. Do things that acknowledge your wonderful abilities and talents consistently. I wish you success in meeting your goals.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2374 days ago
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