...toxic....these are the men of my life.
Monday, August 22, 2011
I have a lousy history with men. One time my mom said that men I am attracted to are not attracted to me and the men who are attracted to me are profiled on AMW....
I am a romantic who is always waiting for that one diamond in the muck. I have found that when you go rooting around in muck, you don't find a diamond and you just get covered in muck.
I have been understanding, forgiving, supportive. I have been the mate that I wanted to have. For what? To be taken advantage in the worst way.
I want my heart to love without letting these monsters get victory over my heart. Why should a man be penalized for what another man has done to me? That isn't right.
I was so very starved for attention that I was ripe prey...
I have just come out of a situation where I was involved with a man who any woman halfway in her right mind would not date. I also took care of his dying mother while working full-time. I then found out he had another girlfriend who knew about me and laughed about it. He sent me emails that were written between him and her where they ridiculed me. Why he sent these to me I will never know.
His mother died and I am not welcome at the funeral. I gave wholeheartedly to this man and his family just to be kicked in the teeth. The pain is unbearable.
During this stressful time I stopped eating. Think I would lose weight? WRONG!! I gained 16lbs! I am the ONLY person I know who gains weight when they do not eat. My blood pressure has gone through the roof. And if that is not enough....here come the bill collectors! OH....and I am still married to the neurotic lying cheating husband who is a totally different monster altogether!
So...how does one work through this emotional ordeal? One foot in front of the other...literally!
I will throw up anything that I try to eat so I am going to drink smoothies. I can't walk in this heat (tried it...got the medical bill to prove it) so I will do laps indoors. There is always a way around a problem.
So...how do I deal with this pain? I cry. I write. But I will probably have to go to therapy to get over this one.
I am stronger than this. I will survive this. God is my rock. HE will see me through.