Sunday, August 21, 2011
I'm going to preface by saying that this is difficult to "say outloud", but here goes: I don't like me. I find me very boring, and right now, very sad and not fun to be around. And its only made worse by the fact that I have lost 20 pounds, and I'm not ashamed to say that I look good. While I feel good ABOUT it, it hasn't changed anything about my personality. I'm still so full of anxiety that I never know if I'm going to burst out crying or vomit most of the time and unfortunately, I'm not exaggerating.
I love my DH. With every breath in my body I love this man. But I am so envious of him sometimes I find it harder and harder to manage. He has such confidence. As I write this, he's in the basement (just under me) in our tanning bed (yes, I know, don't say it) singing with his earphones on, full volume. Now I could wonder if maybe he doesn't realize how loud he is, but I know it wouldn't matter. He is fully capable to being and doing whatever he wants without any apparent fear. I'm going to be honest and share a personal fact. DH and I are hitting a rough spot and I'm starting to feel that if I can't let some of my fears go, he's just going to lose respect for me. So...
I'm not entirely sure how to go about this. One step at time I'm sure. And if anyone has any suggestions, bring it on. I am fairly certain that as hard as I have fought it, it will involve medication. I fight because my mom and my sister suffer from depression and are on medication and frankly I don't see that it helps them at all. And I hate taking meds. And the thought of it makes me feel like I'm failing at life. I hope I don't offend anyone who takes these kinds of meds, but for me, its something I've grown up with and have been trying to separate myself from.
But I'm back to one step at a time. And thanking my Sparkfriends for their continuous support. Thanks for "listening" :)