I've been willing to tell everyone about my journeys with fatloser.com (as barbaric as it sounds) and bodyrock.tv and my own internal struggle, but I've failed to mention the one resource that can possibly lead to a clinical recovery.
Constance Rhodes, the founder, wrote to me after I sent them a desperate email back in April. I wrote to ANYONE about my concern for my singing voice, one of the mentors passed the message along to Constance (also a singer), and I took nearly 2 months to write her back. I was terrified at what her concern actually meant: I'm sick.
When I finally did write her back, I didn't expect much. It took a few months after that, but she sent me a free, signed copy of her book LIFE INSIDE THE "THIN" CAGE. She said: "Tasha, you are more than a number on the scale. Let God - not Man - be the one to determine whether you're worthy of a crown. (you are) 6 Aug '11"
While I'm grateful for her concern, the fact that she IS concerned still freaks me out. It's difficult for me to tell anyone about this. I told one of my good friends last night because he's on FB and I don't have to face him until he gets back from Afghanistan in March. I write about my struggles on here because I know that I will probably never meet any of you. This is my judgment-free zone.
But do you know that when I tell other people about this website I'm terrified of giving them my link or my username? I would be mortified if my family found out... in their eyes, I'm kinda the black sheep to begin with. Living out my formidable years halfway across the country really allowed them to take minimal interest... and when I moved back to get to know them last year following my failure as a beauty queen (nowhere near my right mind) all of those relationships just seemed to blow up in my face.
I can't tell you how truly and utterly alone I feel sometimes. Most times. It's probably prepping me for the mental struggle I'll face when I get to medical school... or at least that's what I keep telling myself. (Mainly because I want to believe I'm cut out for med school)
"This is God's will for me" What a load of crap! Doesn't God want me to be happy with who I am, because He created me?
I know that this blog will leave many of you in the online community scratching your head about me. I'm a puzzle even to myself. But what I appreciate most from all of you is the unrelenting support. You could probably be calling me "guano" (my new term for "batsh*t"... use it, because it's awesome, lol) behind your computer monitor, maybe you read and don't respond, others still may take one look at how much I write and move on... but the fact that someone is "listening" makes a huge difference to me. It's like free therapy. I guess.
Anyway, I'm only in the second chapter of this book, LIFE INSIDE THE THIN CAGE, and every word I read is like validation. I'm not the only one that's felt this way. Her journey was VERY different from mine in many, many ways... but the core struggle is the same. And she's beat it. Other people have beat it. And if my friend, who's halfway around the world being shot at, sincerely believes that I'm a strong person that's capable of beating it... maybe there's something to it. I had to acknowledge this part of my recovery publicly, though... I'm a spiritual, God-fearing person, but I've been dealing with my illness on my own. And I can't anymore. This is not solely my battle to fight. I'm tired of being a hypocrite.
So here's to being real.