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KATERYN
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A mindful eating breakthrough

Saturday, August 20, 2011

So, today was a big day for me. I went out for the second time this week and I didn't overeat! I didn't eat at all. I made plans to meet friends for coffee. And by golly that is exactly what I did. I just had two coffees! No pastries, no cookies, no munchies or sandwiches of any kind. Breakthrough for the WIN! I can go out to meet friends at restaurants and coffee houses without stuffing my face!

The other big breakthrough is one I am also sharing here. I admitted that I use food as an emotional crutch to my friend. This week after getting back from vacation I found myself stuffing my face more than usual. And as usual the weight that I had just spent a good six weeks losing started piling right back on. Why was i doing this self-sabotage? I admitted to my friend that I sat down and cried when I figured it out. I eat to make myself less desireable and to drive people away. This way I don't have to deal with failed relationships or rejection because of who I am inside. I can be rejected for my fat - much less personal rejection that way and much much easier on my ego.

As soon as I recognized what I was doing I was able to get my eating under control! And it is such a relief. I literally do feel like I can stand straighter because that admission not only to myself but to my friend (and now you) is a ton off my back!

I've known for sometime that I put on a lot weight after each breakup with a boyfriend throughout my life. About 25 lbs each time. And now I need to get rid of the boyfriends because they are killing me! I want to have fun again! I want to be brave enough to get involved again with someone. But this week is when I first recognized the signs in myself of how I try and reject someone before anything has even begun on anyone's part. The person on whom I have a crush is probably not even aware that I have a crush on them. This way I can't be hurt by rejection. I'm protecting myself by killing myself? What's up with that? I need to confront this part of me and work it through! And writing it here is a part of that.

Thank you for listening. I need to go drink more water now. I've allowed myself to become dehydrated this week as I started a self-destructive cycle. Now I need to overcome it with good food and lots and lots of water! Not to mention lots and lots of exercise!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • v JAVENEL
    I saw a lot of myself in this post, Kateryn. That fear of rejection is a powerful thing, isn't it? I find myself doing the pushing-people-away-before-somethin
    g-can-happen thing too, though I only recently realized that's what I was doing. Bravo to you for seeing your way out of it! You're a fantabulous person and deserve every good thing to come to you--and it's only a matter of time before someone special recognizes that! emoticon
    1834 days ago
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