Saturday, August 20, 2011
So, today was a big day for me. I went out for the second time this week and I didn't overeat! I didn't eat at all. I made plans to meet friends for coffee. And by golly that is exactly what I did. I just had two coffees! No pastries, no cookies, no munchies or sandwiches of any kind. Breakthrough for the WIN! I can go out to meet friends at restaurants and coffee houses without stuffing my face!
The other big breakthrough is one I am also sharing here. I admitted that I use food as an emotional crutch to my friend. This week after getting back from vacation I found myself stuffing my face more than usual. And as usual the weight that I had just spent a good six weeks losing started piling right back on. Why was i doing this self-sabotage? I admitted to my friend that I sat down and cried when I figured it out. I eat to make myself less desireable and to drive people away. This way I don't have to deal with failed relationships or rejection because of who I am inside. I can be rejected for my fat - much less personal rejection that way and much much easier on my ego.
As soon as I recognized what I was doing I was able to get my eating under control! And it is such a relief. I literally do feel like I can stand straighter because that admission not only to myself but to my friend (and now you) is a ton off my back!
I've known for sometime that I put on a lot weight after each breakup with a boyfriend throughout my life. About 25 lbs each time. And now I need to get rid of the boyfriends because they are killing me! I want to have fun again! I want to be brave enough to get involved again with someone. But this week is when I first recognized the signs in myself of how I try and reject someone before anything has even begun on anyone's part. The person on whom I have a crush is probably not even aware that I have a crush on them. This way I can't be hurt by rejection. I'm protecting myself by killing myself? What's up with that? I need to confront this part of me and work it through! And writing it here is a part of that.
Thank you for listening. I need to go drink more water now. I've allowed myself to become dehydrated this week as I started a self-destructive cycle. Now I need to overcome it with good food and lots and lots of water! Not to mention lots and lots of exercise!