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    HEALTHY156   20,655
20,000-24,999 SparkPoints

g, this is not a happy/feel good blog.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Wow, I really thought my days of purging were behind me. Yesterday, though I haven't tracked it, I'd say I binged on close to 5,000 empty calories. It was not the secret, ten minutes of shoveling food into my face kind of binge that you see on Lifetime movies. It was all day. And I was out of control.

Edit, I tracked every bit, it was
Totals: 4564 CALORIES 510gCARBS 210g FAT 99g PROTEIN

I'm always preaching to start over and take control, every bite is a choice, etc. And I really do believe that to be true for almost all situations. I took action at lunch and had a very healthy meal, had a healthy snack at 1:00. Back on track, changed my attitude, made a better choice right? Then at 3:00 it was chili dogs and fries, then cookies and cheese puffs, then I'm in the bathroom puking my guts up and swallowing a handful of colace. I was filling my head with thoughts of how disgusting and shameful my behavior was. My gentle healthy fairy was nowhere to be found.

The crazy part is that I never once felt "full". I am sure that is because the void I was trying to fill was not "hungry".

Today is a new day. I packed 1,000 calories of breakfast, lunch and snacks, including 5 servings of fruits and veggies. I am only eating what I packed. I ran two miles yesterday (between the chili dogs and the cookies). Today I am going to try a trampoline aerobics class. I'm not de-railing my whole plan because of one really effed up day. I'm working on being gentle with myself but it's a bit tough right now. really thought I'd never do that again.

Living, Learning, Loving and hurting,

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
KALISWALKER 8/19/2011 3:14PM

    Towanda I agree with Munchie's advice. As in all over eating situations we need to recognize what triggers us and then learn to recognize pre-trigger situations. For me that would be going to a restaurant very hungry with my friends. They will encourage my bad behavior and I lose all control. I eat a small amount before I go out with them and it helps a lot.

I wish you all the best in your journey to better health!


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TAICHIDANCER 8/18/2011 12:26PM

    Must be something in the air. Last night I finished my calories but I wasn't finished eating. emoticon So this morning, I weighed myself, said "okay, that's what you get" and resolved to be good today. I'm trying to adopt the attitude that one day's misstep doesn't undo all that we're doing here and so far my weekly weigh-ins (which are the ones I record on my ticker) bear that out. So cut yourself some slack, my friend, and get back on track.

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ASHARON 8/17/2011 8:47PM

    Sorry you had a rough day but very happy and proud to hear that you are not letting 1 day derail your whole plan.
Good job on planning for today. Remember lots of water to flush out yesterday.
Move on and learn from yesterday.
Great job.

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ANNIE1114 8/17/2011 4:30PM

    emoticon Sorry that you had such a rough day.

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GEMINISUE 8/17/2011 3:34PM

    Towanda- I am so proud of you for sharing what happened! That took guts and that also told me you know something happened, that hasn't happened in a long time.

I like that you plan what to take with you, so you know what your going to eat when your gone, how about having something ready to eat that you plan on when you get back in, maybe that will help you because it is planned for and you know it is okay to have. Also, remember water.

Like you said it wasn't hunger, do you know about the word HALT?
Are you really HUNGRY or are you ANGRY, LONELY OR TIRED? Do you know the emotion your feeling? Sometimes reaching for the phone will help, other times reaching for a pen and paper will help

Remember Struggling on team page!
Remember spark Mail, send it to many, if one is busy maybe another will see it, send it to the team if need be.

We all Care
Also, realize how much exercise you are doing in a day, and in a week, are you within the correct limits that is healthy for you?
Linda WL

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TERESA159 8/17/2011 1:24PM

    Every once in awhile the crazy person inside of us wins. You know that the important thing is to just keep going and that's exactly what you did. Good for you!

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TWNOMWE 8/17/2011 1:18PM

    One bad day does not mean you have failed and you have already established that.
As Muchie718 says just find out what triggered this set back and find a way to deal with the situation. Also know that you are not alone, find help, talk to friend and we are also here. You are strong than the disease/addiction.
So stay focused by reflecting on your Spark name (HEALTHY 156), and you are on way to good healthy.

emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 8/17/2011 1:22:08 PM

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TEMPERANCE88 8/17/2011 12:36PM

    Having recently come off a weekend of bingeing, I know it's tough being kind to yourself. But you ARE worth a whole lot more than you could ever imagine, and even though something triggered that binge/purge cycle, you didn't let it win. You're back on track and making healthy choices again. Even if you fall sometimes, you have the strength to rise again and make each day new. I believe in you, and know you will grow from this. Hugs to you, my friend, and God bless.
emoticon Lauralyn

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MAUITN 8/17/2011 10:42AM


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FINDING_CRYSTAL 8/17/2011 10:34AM

    Great advice Munchie! Eating disorders are so heart wrenching. I hope you take Munchies advice and check out all the teams for support. Sparkpeople are family and great supporters. Be strong and healthy for you! Great choices today keep it up! emoticon

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MUNCHIE718 8/17/2011 9:46AM

I am sorry to hear that you had a relapse yesterday. It can catch you off guard when old behaviors that you thought were long-gone re-emerge out of the blue. One relapse doesn't make you a failure, and it doesn't mean that an ED controls you. You are stronger than it is. You know yourself best. take some time & think about what triggered it, and what you need to do to help prevent it from happening again. there are Spark Teams for just about everything here, so maybe explore the teams and see if there is one that would help you thru this if you need support.

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