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Today ... some emotional stuff. A real mess actually


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Well, I went over to see Terry again last night. A mutual friend of ours texted me and told me Terry is really sweet on me. Lol. Had to tell Terry. Watched him get all red, but it's nothing I didn't already know.

The way he looks at me when he thinks I don't notice. I know that look. The poor boy is really smitten. He makes me smile. It's been a very VERY long time for that.

But it's getting messy.

Colin started texting me yesterday. We ended up kind of fighting over texts. Nothing major. He asking me why I'm gone. Me telling him honestly. Seems he still thinks an "I'm sorry"
will fix it all. I hate to say it, but it won't. Especially now.

I'm not saying this with Terry's gonna work out, but it's nice. It's been a long time since I've had anyone look at me like that. That's made me so happy. Someone how like me just because I am ME. Not for anything they think I can do for them. Or anything they think they can get from me. Just because I am who I am.

But the entire time I'm trying to enjoy this, I have Colin in the back of my mind. He's really hurting now. He was just short of begging me to come back and try again yesterday. I told him I couldn't do what he wanted. I told him what he did that kept hurting me so badly. I told him I can't anymore - that's why I left.

But he's saying he gets it. He wants to change. He wants me back.

I just can't. I'm not choosing one over the other. I am choosing my happiness.

Terry has his own faults. I really saw a few of them last night. I'm going to have to keep an eye on a few things. I do have concerns. The main one, I'm not 100% sure he's grown up yet. It's okay to feel and act young. Even toss responsibility out the window once in a while. But I think he has never even tried it.

But I haven't been drawn to anyone like this in years.

So how do I do it? How do I let Colin know I need space. To re-discover who I am. and find my happiness again? I told him I'd meet him for supper tonight if he wanted. He's wanted to get together for a few days now. I've just been so busy.

Colin finally told me last night, he hasn't been as happy as he was when I was with him this past year. Funny how he shows it. There were times we really were happy. Would enjoy spending time together. Then he'd realize he was happy, and he'd destroy it - usually by destroying me. Destroying my happiness. Trying to tear me down and make me feel completely worthless. Or making it very obvious I was not important enough to him. I called him on all of that yesterday. Making me feel so badly all the time. Making me feel like I wasn't good enough. Like nothing I could do was right.

Wow. Guess my head is really screwed up today.

Maybe the answer is that neither one is right for me. Maybe I should just find myself. Find my passions again. Rediscover that I really am worth it. That I CAN go out alone and not feel lonely.

But there's something in those eyes of Terry's that just has me captivated. I'm pretty sure it's the way he looks at me. I can see what he's feeling. It's actually kind of creepy. We are so much alike that way. Cuddlers. We both wear our hearts on our sleeves, and for someone who's actually paying attention, they can tell what we are thinking or how we are feeling. He lies about as badly as I do too...

And the whole time I'm getting this all out, I'm still wearing his sweater that I borrowed from him last Saturday night.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STAYPRESENT 8/17/2011 8:58AM

    That is nice to be cared for, just because you are you. This Terry guy sounds like a good person to have in your life. As for Colin, I would recommend reading about codependency. The confused feelings you have will suside when you realize that he isn't healthy for you. People can change, however they have to do it for themself. As we know in our own journeys. You are working so hard on yourself. Don't let someone else sidetrack you.

You may want to get some litature on abusive relationships, too. The pattern is that they promise to change, things go good for a while, things get bad again. This repeats in a cycle if the person doesn't get outside help. Also, you will stay in those type relationships if you don't get help, too.

Katrina, you are a very strong, wonderful woman that deserves the best life has to offer.

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SAMMYSWEETPEA 8/17/2011 12:42AM

    Agree with others that Colin should be out of your life - period. If he thinks a "sorry" is all it takes to fix things, then he's too stupid to deserve you.

I'd see where things go with Terry. Just go slow & check in with your brain as well as your heart.

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JIBBIE49 8/16/2011 10:54PM

    emoticon Use u brain. The "heart" can be deceived.

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NEWNAC304 8/16/2011 5:43PM

    Sorry that you're struggling with this. It does sound like you need to take some time for yourself to find out what you want. Good luck.

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CHARLIESGIRL69 8/16/2011 4:11PM

    I would just focus on you. You will continue to go in a circle if you don't step back away from everyone and take some time for just you. Only then will you know what you truly want and what is best for you. Trust me I have been in your shoes.

Good luck to you!

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THISYEARSMODEL 8/16/2011 2:02PM

    "When someone tells you who they are, believe them. The first time." --Maya Angelou.

In other words, get rid of him and stop inviting him in by responding. Focus on YOU!

Comment edited on: 8/16/2011 2:03:22 PM

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SAMYEDAVIDSON 8/16/2011 12:36PM

    I agree with everyone. Colin Is not going to change. Maybe for a moment to get you back...but I promise...It will go back to the old way, I have been there...I finally got free, found myself and I will NOT settle ever again. I have been single AWHILE and you know what...It is AWESOME! I now know who I am,and guess what I LOVE ME!! I want you to take care of you!!!
Thinking of you
Sam emoticon

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BUTTERFLY_MT 8/16/2011 12:22PM

    Find YOURself....and you're not going to find you in someone else.

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NATESMOM1910 8/16/2011 11:16AM

    People don't change. I'm with freecandy - cut him off. It's not doing you any good. Focus on you and what you want from your life and the rest will fall into place. emoticon

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ALICIAYOUNG1127 8/16/2011 10:46AM

    FIND YOURSELF!!!!!

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KHARISSASINKO 8/16/2011 10:34AM

    Go with your heart, it is never wrong, and be cautious of those that don't care about you as a person, but are in it for themselves alone

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FREECANDY 8/16/2011 10:28AM

    Colin is not going to respect your boundaries. I really think you need to stop responding to his texts.

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