Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Well, I went over to see Terry again last night. A mutual friend of ours texted me and told me Terry is really sweet on me. Lol. Had to tell Terry. Watched him get all red, but it's nothing I didn't already know.
The way he looks at me when he thinks I don't notice. I know that look. The poor boy is really smitten. He makes me smile. It's been a very VERY long time for that.
But it's getting messy.
Colin started texting me yesterday. We ended up kind of fighting over texts. Nothing major. He asking me why I'm gone. Me telling him honestly. Seems he still thinks an "I'm sorry"
will fix it all. I hate to say it, but it won't. Especially now.
I'm not saying this with Terry's gonna work out, but it's nice. It's been a long time since I've had anyone look at me like that. That's made me so happy. Someone how like me just because I am ME. Not for anything they think I can do for them. Or anything they think they can get from me. Just because I am who I am.
But the entire time I'm trying to enjoy this, I have Colin in the back of my mind. He's really hurting now. He was just short of begging me to come back and try again yesterday. I told him I couldn't do what he wanted. I told him what he did that kept hurting me so badly. I told him I can't anymore - that's why I left.
But he's saying he gets it. He wants to change. He wants me back.
I just can't. I'm not choosing one over the other. I am choosing my happiness.
Terry has his own faults. I really saw a few of them last night. I'm going to have to keep an eye on a few things. I do have concerns. The main one, I'm not 100% sure he's grown up yet. It's okay to feel and act young. Even toss responsibility out the window once in a while. But I think he has never even tried it.
But I haven't been drawn to anyone like this in years.
So how do I do it? How do I let Colin know I need space. To re-discover who I am. and find my happiness again? I told him I'd meet him for supper tonight if he wanted. He's wanted to get together for a few days now. I've just been so busy.
Colin finally told me last night, he hasn't been as happy as he was when I was with him this past year. Funny how he shows it. There were times we really were happy. Would enjoy spending time together. Then he'd realize he was happy, and he'd destroy it - usually by destroying me. Destroying my happiness. Trying to tear me down and make me feel completely worthless. Or making it very obvious I was not important enough to him. I called him on all of that yesterday. Making me feel so badly all the time. Making me feel like I wasn't good enough. Like nothing I could do was right.
Wow. Guess my head is really screwed up today.
Maybe the answer is that neither one is right for me. Maybe I should just find myself. Find my passions again. Rediscover that I really am worth it. That I CAN go out alone and not feel lonely.
But there's something in those eyes of Terry's that just has me captivated. I'm pretty sure it's the way he looks at me. I can see what he's feeling. It's actually kind of creepy. We are so much alike that way. Cuddlers. We both wear our hearts on our sleeves, and for someone who's actually paying attention, they can tell what we are thinking or how we are feeling. He lies about as badly as I do too...
And the whole time I'm getting this all out, I'm still wearing his sweater that I borrowed from him last Saturday night.