Friday, August 12, 2011
The other day, I was at Costco checking out. The cashier took a double take when she looked at my membership photo.
"Wow," she said, "You've lost weight!"
The response began to formulate in my head. "Well, actually I've lost weight and now I've gained weight back. I was 248 when that picture was taken, my highest weight ever, but I got down to 190. Then I injured my ACL and stopped tracking food on Sparkpeople and eventually over the past year I've gained back 25 pounds. I feel fat and disgusting and like a failure. Even though I'm exercising like crazy and I've completely healed from my ACL surgery and now I'm jogging and spinning and mountain biking and hiking, I'm still not losing weight and I'm feeling panicky and desperate and I wish I'd had the self control to keep up with the SP tracker, and even though you're complementing me I don't feel like I've lost weight at all."
Of course, I didn't say any of that, as she handed back the card to me after showing it to the box boy (man) who said, "Wow, good job!".
I saw this grainy black and white picture of myself looking unhappy, a little like an obese convict.
And I said, "Thanks!"
And I walked out of Costco, tearing up a little at how hard on myself I am, realizing that no matter how much of a failure I currently feel like, I am still 33 pounds lighter than I was.
Yes, I have lost weight.