Thursday, August 11, 2011
So, Iím trying to analyze/criticize/jazzercise my life at this point. I have majorly stalled, but at the same time feel like I have done pretty well for myself. I really enjoy and look forward to my gym workouts, and have done quite well on eating my best, amid the craziness of summer. I had no idea it was going to take me so out of my element! I knew there was stuff going on, but my goodness, it was nonstop. Not that that is an excuse or like it should be ok to gain weight or anything, but at the same time I canít help but feel so glad if I am able to get through those situations without gaining like crazy. Before I started seriously on this journey (roughly a year ago) I was just gaining and gaining and everything was an excuse to splurge to the extreme.
Iím trying to stay happy and trying to feel positive about how far I have come. My doctor was proud! So thatís good :)
But amongst that lies the deeper, darker emotions and fearsÖwhat if I canít lose any more weight? What if I am sabotaging myself because Iím afraid to lose more weight? What if I just canít do it? What if Iím not meant to be any smaller? What if no one will like me if I lose more weight? What if I have to dramatically change what Iím doingÖagain? What if I start gaining again? What if all my problems donít disappear when I lose the weight (because they wonít)?
Man, I can really freak myself out sometimes. Thatís why I felt like I needed to blog about it. Get it out in the open, where it looks stupid and seems so dumb to even think those types of things. When someone else says things like that, I can see the ridiculousness of it. Why canít I when my own voice in my head says it? It is so unhelpful in getting where we want to be.
My 24th birthday is in a week and a half and Iím really looking forward to it. Iíve lost around 35 pounds and feel so much better and can do so much more. Sure, Iím not all the way there, but wow, am I a lot better off than if I had never begun? You betcha!!!!
I can just feel it, that my 24th year is going to be amazing and hold all types of wonderful things and experiences. And I want to live to the fullest and be in the best possible shape to enjoy and participate in all of those wonderful things. I think of the way I never could have imagined going to the swanky clubs in town last year for my birthday. But, you know what? This year I want to! And I want to sing karaoke in front of everyone! Because I may not be at my goal, but I feel beautiful and I feel like me. And that is a wonderful thing that the stupid stuck scale can never take away from me!!
I hope you are all on the path to loving yourself more, despite our imperfections. Our imperfections make us who we are! And life would be really dull without themÖ. So let's live it up for today!!