Thursday, August 11, 2011
Poptarts - oh how I crave these things Ė frosted strawberry ones to be specific. Itís the one thing in the vending machine I crave on a regular basis now; Iíve already hit the vending machine at least once this week for them. So, first thing this morning Iím walking into my building for work and the urge hits me Ė whatís up with this??!! I havenít even got into the office yet! Nothing really stressful has happened this morning (usual reason for eating when Iím not hungry), just the usual not wanting to get out of bed, but manage to drag myself out and get ready anyway. So, I bypass the turn to the vending machine and get on the elevator to go up to my office Ė yay me right? But oh the haunting call from the sugary box of heaven that is the vending machine does not leave me. And so Iím sitting in my office, not busy enough and canít find things to do to deter my thoughts and I WANT those blasted poptarts!! I WANT THEM I WANT THEM I WANT THEM!!! And Iím mad because I canít have them and that I sound like a spoiled child. Well I can have them, but I know theyíre not good for me and I certainly donít need an extra 400+ calories in my system. And let me tell you, I have healthy treats in my drawer at work and in the refrigerator, but that doesnít cut it when I want poptarts Ė ya know what Iím sayiní? When Iím eating for emotional reasons (and I think I am), healthy treats just donít cut it, I want the bad stuff Ė the surgary, carb laden, processed poison that Iíve become addicted to I think. Itís almost like Iím torturing myselfÖ..and thus the vicious cycle begins. Why me? Why us? Why have I and oh so many others on this site and beyond (at least I donít think Iím alone in this) been dealt this card? A battle of the mind really. Sometimes I feel like a crazy person because Iím constantly talking to myself (in my head)Ö. ďI want thisĒ ďno, you canít/shouldnítĒ ďI donít care, I want itĒ ďitís not good for youĒ ďwant it anywayĒ ďfine, go do whatever you wantÖ..but youíll pay for it laterĒ. *sigh*
Iím SO tired of this battle, so so tired and think thatís why Iíve been stuck for so long. I know in my head what I need to do, Iíve done it before, and that it can be done again, but for some reason canít make it happen. It is the most frustrating battle, one that leaves me feeling helpless and hopeless some days. So say I stop beating myself up, quit the ďyou canít/shouldnítĒ talk, then what? What DO I say to myself, huh? What do I replace the ďyou canít/shouldnítĒ with? I think the negative talk has been so ingrained in my brain I donít know how to do anything else. And if itís been that way for years itís not going to be undone in a snap. I think thatís what really frustrates me Ė this is a long and difficult battle, there really are NO quick fixes here. Itís going to take time and when you live in a world of instant gratification it can be difficult to deal with the ďno, Iím sorry, but itís going to take hard, consistent work and timeĒ Ė no one wants to hear that. It saddens me that Iíve wasted so much time and I see how quickly time slips away now. I see my daughter on the fast track to the teenage years, Iíve seen friends move away and become terminally ill and others that couldnít find enough compassion for themselves to save their own lives.
This is SO much more than losing weight for me, SO much more. I realize Iíve been on Spark for almost 5 years and should have this licked by now, but I think Iím just finally getting to the point where Iím becoming much more aware of my behaviors and getting closer to a place of acceptance. I know for me, this is what itís going to take Ė for me to get to a place of acceptance, to accept that this is the card Iíve been dealt , that I need to quit fighting it, to accept that I need to be as nice to myself as I am to others, to accept and BELIEVE that I am worth the battle.
Poptarts/vending machine successfully avoided today.