Vending Machine and Beyond
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Poptarts - oh how I crave these things – frosted strawberry ones to be specific. It’s the one thing in the vending machine I crave on a regular basis now; I’ve already hit the vending machine at least once this week for them. So, first thing this morning I’m walking into my building for work and the urge hits me – what’s up with this??!! I haven’t even got into the office yet! Nothing really stressful has happened this morning (usual reason for eating when I’m not hungry), just the usual not wanting to get out of bed, but manage to drag myself out and get ready anyway. So, I bypass the turn to the vending machine and get on the elevator to go up to my office – yay me right? But oh the haunting call from the sugary box of heaven that is the vending machine does not leave me. And so I’m sitting in my office, not busy enough and can’t find things to do to deter my thoughts and I WANT those blasted poptarts!! I WANT THEM I WANT THEM I WANT THEM!!! And I’m mad because I can’t have them and that I sound like a spoiled child. Well I can have them, but I know they’re not good for me and I certainly don’t need an extra 400+ calories in my system. And let me tell you, I have healthy treats in my drawer at work and in the refrigerator, but that doesn’t cut it when I want poptarts – ya know what I’m sayin’? When I’m eating for emotional reasons (and I think I am), healthy treats just don’t cut it, I want the bad stuff – the surgary, carb laden, processed poison that I’ve become addicted to I think. It’s almost like I’m torturing myself…..and thus the vicious cycle begins. Why me? Why us? Why have I and oh so many others on this site and beyond (at least I don’t think I’m alone in this) been dealt this card? A battle of the mind really. Sometimes I feel like a crazy person because I’m constantly talking to myself (in my head)…. “I want this” “no, you can’t/shouldn’t” “I don’t care, I want it” “it’s not good for you” “want it anyway” “fine, go do whatever you want…..but you’ll pay for it later”. *sigh*
I’m SO tired of this battle, so so tired and think that’s why I’ve been stuck for so long. I know in my head what I need to do, I’ve done it before, and that it can be done again, but for some reason can’t make it happen. It is the most frustrating battle, one that leaves me feeling helpless and hopeless some days. So say I stop beating myself up, quit the “you can’t/shouldn’t” talk, then what? What DO I say to myself, huh? What do I replace the “you can’t/shouldn’t” with? I think the negative talk has been so ingrained in my brain I don’t know how to do anything else. And if it’s been that way for years it’s not going to be undone in a snap. I think that’s what really frustrates me – this is a long and difficult battle, there really are NO quick fixes here. It’s going to take time and when you live in a world of instant gratification it can be difficult to deal with the “no, I’m sorry, but it’s going to take hard, consistent work and time” – no one wants to hear that. It saddens me that I’ve wasted so much time and I see how quickly time slips away now. I see my daughter on the fast track to the teenage years, I’ve seen friends move away and become terminally ill and others that couldn’t find enough compassion for themselves to save their own lives.
This is SO much more than losing weight for me, SO much more. I realize I’ve been on Spark for almost 5 years and should have this licked by now, but I think I’m just finally getting to the point where I’m becoming much more aware of my behaviors and getting closer to a place of acceptance. I know for me, this is what it’s going to take – for me to get to a place of acceptance, to accept that this is the card I’ve been dealt , that I need to quit fighting it, to accept that I need to be as nice to myself as I am to others, to accept and BELIEVE that I am worth the battle.
Poptarts/vending machine successfully avoided today.