Monday, August 08, 2011
I woke up this morning and felt awful, I still do really. I think it might be that time of the month and so life feels rubbish for no particular reason anyway, plus I've been fed up at home with family irritating me and lack of funds to do anything fun!
But of course what is really depressing me is my weight/size/food/fatness - the whole lot. So many times lately I just wish that I could stop eating, like quitting smoking or drink, but it's not that simple with food addictions! Yesterday I ate okay, scrambled egg on toast breakfast, veg soup and more toast for lunch, pizza and salad for dinner and big portion of cherry cake and cream later. It was too much food, but nothing bingey and yet still this morning I woke up feeling guilty and awful about things. To add to this instead of dragging my body out of bed to do the 30 day shred, as I did every week day last week, this morning I snoozed my alarm and talked myself out of doing it. My reason? I don't enjoy getting up and doing it, so I won't do it. Even though last week once I got started it wasn't so bad and I felt good afterwards! Arghhhh. Oh and then I weighed! Last Monday I weighed and told myself I wouldn't weigh again until September - lies!! I have sneaked a peak on the scales a few times and mid week they were down a couple of pounds, but today I was 2lbs heavier than a week ago!! I can't afford a 2lb weekly gain!! I have gained 4 stone (56lbs) in the past year!!
Agghhhhhh, so this morning I felt scared of eating, delayed doing so and sat browsing diet/healthy food sites. The general impression I got was what I already know - eat healthy and sensible, don't deprive and take things slow aiming for the long term!! So I ate breakfast. I was thinking about counting calories again, but it doesn't help, I just get obsessed and when I go over my intake I blow it badly! So today back to the plan - healthy foods, listen to my body, with the addition of NOT overeating after dinner. Maybe even not eating after dinner?! I feel so confused and such a failure :-(